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Gerrymandering (1) [edit 07/01]



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Fri Jun 06, 2008 5:24 am
Sam says...



Note: if you're not acquainted with the madness of extemporaneous speaking, click the spoiler.

[spoiler]Extemp[oraneous] speaking is a speech event in which a contestant is asked a question regarding current events or politics and has thirty minutes to prepare a seven-minute speech using only printed materials brought with them to the event. These materials are kept in the file box. Before large meets, the files are check to make sure that you adhere to the rules. Pre-event trash-talking and blatant racism is encouraged between team members. Papercuts are acceptable if responsible-types are not looking.[/spoiler]

__

[035, Enunciate]

If there was anything that Shuqiao hated more than Jehovah’s Witnesses and vaccinations, it was Akshay Sajid.

“You can’t, like, totally write off an entire race of people,” her best friend Zoe had told her. They were seated in the back booth of Village Inn, across from the kitchen—that way, Shuqiao could watch her food being prepared and make sure that the cook wasn’t slipping poison into her baked potatoes. “And Akshay. He’s all right. He has a sexy accent.”

Shuqiao sighed and stirred the strawberry syrup coagulating at the bottom of her lemonade. It sifted in lethargic chunks through the ice––overly abundant ice, considering that the thermometer perched on the frost outside read twenty degrees. She liked that she could play God through her beverages; though it was winter outside, she could make it Malibu in her cup. She wanted a miniature Al Gore to go with the paper umbrella—he’d be happiest there, amid melting icebergs. “Do I have a sexy accent?”

“You just sound British.”

There were only so many times Shuqiao could stand being accused of Britishness before she had to obliterate Akshay and his Sexy Accent, his curry in a thermos, his Muslim Youth For Zardari pin. His destruction had to be during speech, cornered in the back of a library where he was most nervous and vulnerable—Districts, preferably, where tensions ran high and the bathroom Ritalin trade blossomed. As she sewed buttons back onto her blazer, she watched him standing by the file box, organizing. A girl with a clipboard came by and began to thumb through them.

“Don't worry, I didn’t put any bombs in there.”

She giggled madly. “I bet you totally would,” she said, voice high-pitched and hysterical. “I mean, you’re just so…bomby.”

Akshay smiled at her and she stopped, hands numb, jaw slack with adoration and longing. Shuqiao had often thought it might be nice to make a life-sized cut out of Akshay and bring it with her to rounds—it would make most of her female and a good chunk of her male competition weak at the knees. They’d be reduced to puddles of wool and chino fabric, and she could mop them to the side of the room, give a wonderful speech, and be carried off by jubilant judges to Stanford, full-ride.

Shuqiao differed from her competition in style and execution, but more importantly, she hated Akshay. She hated his well-tailored suits and his big brown eyes and his perma-tan. She hated his organization and his activism and his niceness. She hated the fact that when she came in first, he always came in second.

She hated the fact that she hated him.

“Hey, Shuqiao,” he said. “Do we still need the Huckabee stuff?”

Be the Ann Coulter, she willed herself. He’s a Muslim. Hate him. Burn his country. Be the Ann, Shuqiao. Be the Ann.

He looked at her expectantly.

Become the outspoken white lady you know you can be. Hate him. Eat him. And his curry, too.

“Uh…no, I don’t think so.”

“Okay.”

When he wasn’t looking, she slammed her forehead into the table. As sparks of pain fired through her skull, she inhaled the disinfectant smell of the plastic to rid herself of any additional brain cells that she had missed. Revenge would have to come later.

She could not summon the courage for another try until standing up on stage, with the lights in her eyes. His cologne was still pungent, even after finals.

“It’s always an Asian who wins Districts,” he whispered to her.

Outwardly, she giggled. Inwardly, she cursed his subliminal subservience and all of the other sub-s he had become without her cue. He wasn’t supposed to know that she wanted him ashamed and beaten. He wasn’t supposed to know that she wanted him ashamed and beaten, like the others, to a wool-and-chino-fabric pulp.

In third place, from New Prague, Todd Delaney!

Shuqiao’s heart fluttered a little. She always won, but it was always a relief to be past the Boundary of Embarrassment—the boundary where she wouldn’t allow her mother to put the trophy anywhere besides the basement.

In second place, from Lincoln Northwest, Shuqiao Chang!

She stared, flabbergasted, at the acne-riddled boy who handed her her trophy. Who could possibly have gotten—

First place champion in extemporaneous, from Lincoln Northwest, Akshay Sajid!

An Asian had won Districts. A Southwest Asian.

As she numbly shook his hand, she tried to imagine what could possibly have gone wrong. They had both picked topics where they would get Children of Atrocities Points—the assassination of Benazir Bhutto and the Sichuan earthquakes. They had both shamelessly exploited their heritages in the pursuit of pathos. However, Shuqiao had offered properly pronounced Chinese. Was that not enough for them?

She felt utterly alone as she boarded the bus, with Zoe attached at the mouth to an orator called Oliver. She sat by herself next to the window and folded her coat on her lap, looking out the window into a decrepit parking lot overgrown with weeds. The sun had long gone down and all that was left was the flickering light from the street.

“Can I sit here, Shuqiao?”

She looked up.

Crush him, burn him, slay his children—“Sure, yeah. Go ahead.”

She put her iPod headphones in and tried radiating waves of loathing in his direction, but he blithely turned on the reading lamp above their heads and sifted through his judges’ comments. They all had blue ribbons stapled to them—blue ribbons that belonged to her. She had a boxful of them at home to prove it.

He tapped the smiley face one of the judges had scribbled on her scores and said, “You kind of pwned.”

“You won,” she said.

“I won, but that doesn’t mean I pwned.”

Bomb him, skin him, mistake him for being Afghan—

“Kind of does.”

He laughed. He had nice teeth.

She twitched involuntarily. As the bus rolled down the interstate, it became engulfed in snores. Akshay was still reading. It seemed as if they were the only two that couldn’t sleep.

She ran her thumb along the click wheel until it felt like her head was going to explode—the same effect as smashing her head into the table, but without the bruises. When she felt a headache coming on, she lowered the volume and fell herself slipping deeper and deeper into her seat.

When she awoke, the overhead lights were glaring down at her, police flashlights in a midnight drug bust.

It was then she realized where she was. She was curled up on her seat with her head draped across Akshay’s slacks. He’d pulled her coat over her, but his legs were warm and he smelled like cologne, he smelled wonderful, he smelled--

“Comfortable?” he asked, grinning.

Shuqiao wanted to die.
Last edited by Sam on Wed Jul 02, 2008 9:46 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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Fri Jun 06, 2008 5:52 am
BigBadBear says...



Haha. Man, Sam, I love you, first of all. So much. I wanna squeeze you till your amazingness covers me.

Okay. Now that that is taken care of, there was a spot that troubled me.

He tapped the smiley face one of the judges had scribbled on her scores and said, “You kind of pwned.”


First off, the 'pwned' has gotta go. This isn't a chatroom. And the first part of the sentence was incredibly difficult to understand.

Okay. *sigh* I could not tell if these were adults or not. They sounded like them... but didn't exactly act like them. If they are not adults, please ignore the following: I didn't understand why she hated him. They were opponents. Yeah, I got that much. It was for some type of election. Maybe it was the over-usage of larger words that crampled my blondish brain. I dunno.

Well done, Sam. You're the best, and we all know it. This story was terribly funny and yet sweet.

“I mean, you’re just so…bomby.”


Best sentence of the story right there. XD

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Fri Jun 06, 2008 7:25 am
RandomGrrl says...



"She stared, flabbergasted, at the acne-riddled boy who handed her trophy."

Handed her "the" trophy? Handed her "her" trophy...? Missing a word. Simply not cricket, dear.

"Crush him, burn him, slay his children—“Sure, yeah. Go ahead.”"

There are no words to describe how funny this is- only hysterical, ant's in your pants kind of laughter.

Wow, I enjoyed this so much. The writing is humorous and interesting, and I just wanted more. The characters are awesome... Besides the above comment I find no fault with this... oh, yeah, and what Jared said. Ixnay noay hatspeakcay. That's about it.
Thanks for a super-stellar read!
  





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Fri Jun 06, 2008 3:14 pm
Ohio Impromptu says...



Sam, you have to let me do this again tomorow, but right now, far past the point where lack of sleep lets me be coherent, that that was like a joke you tell to a large crowd of people, and very few people laugh (because the ones you are aiming it at are a minority). The hilarity, wasn't the foremost feature, but the themes were, although it was prominent. The undercurrents of racism, the subtle hints of elitism amongst students, the familiarity between author and characters because of the situations they share, all of them lead to a read that gives readers the feel of an unbridled account of events, rather than a constructed representation in an author's mind. Who wants more than that?

Please, let me do this again when I wake up. It'll be better for both of us.

Well done, although you don;t ned my encouragement.
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Gone, gone from New York City,
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Fri Jun 06, 2008 3:21 pm
lyrical_sunshine says...



hahaha! Very nice, very nice. Great job. Everyone else found the mistakes I saw, so yeah. Very well done.
“We’re still here,” he says, his voice cold, his hands shaking. “We know how to be invisible, how to play dead. But at the end of the day, we are still here.” ~Dax

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Sat Jun 07, 2008 12:16 pm
JFW1415 says...



So, I finally get to critique a piece by the amazingness that is Sam? Exciting. :)

I’m kind of worried that I won’t find anything, but I’ll give it my best shot, okay? It’s the least I can do for the brilliant critiques you always give me. :)

Oh, and sorry about the delay!

Nit-Picks

“You can’t, like, totally write off an entire race of people,” her best friend Zoe had told her, in the sticky booth across from the Village Inn kitchen, where Shuqiao could oversee her food being prepared and make sure the cook wasn't slipping poison into it. “And Akshay. He’s all right. He has a sexy accent.”

Honestly, I’m a bit confused at this point. She seemed to switch topics very quickly – or is the race and Akshay connected somehow? Also, the narration between the two dialogue pieces was all one sentence. Therefore, my eyes kind of skimmed over it. Even when I made myself reread it, I was a little confused. So, mind splitting that up a tad?

Shuqiao sighed and stirred the strawberry syrup coagulating at the bottom of her lemonade. “Do I have a sexy accent?”

Strawberry syrup at the bottom of lemonade? Odd. Also, the sighing and the question don’t really seem to meld well. The question seems joking, and the sigh seems sad.

It had to be during speech, cornered in the back of a library where he was most nervous and vulnerable.

That doesn’t seem to connect with the previous paragraph. You were saying ‘there were only so many times…’ and then ‘it had to be…’ What had to be?

As she sewed buttons back onto her blazer[s],[/s] she watched him standing by the file box, organizing.

As she numbly shook his hand[s],[/s] she tried to imagine what could possibly have gone wrong.

Don’t slow down the piece.

Overall Comments

Sam, you confuse me. :(

Yes, you did explain what this was about at the very beginning, but shouldn’t that come trough a bit while your writing?

Also, I don’t know where they are. Yes, you gave us the details, but you didn’t give us the general things. When you first walk into a room, you don’t notice everything. You do notice lighting, temperature, how spacious it is, the flooring, how filled with people it is, etc. That’s what we need to see – we can fill in the details if we have the basic idea. Of course, you can tell us the important details, but we can decide if the grass is long or short – you just need to tell us that it’s grass.

I did love the characters, though. It’s obvious that Shuqiao hates Akshay because she’s supposed to, because he’s the competition. Their relationship, while a little odd, was probably the most clear. And your dialogue was perfect.

Um… yeah. I’m not very detailed here, am I? Just PM me with questions, and I’ll be happy to rant for another few hours.

Off to part two! (After breakfast, though, so expect a delay.)

~JFW1415
  





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Sat Jun 07, 2008 5:27 pm
ashleylee says...



This was good! :D

JFW and the others seemed to cover everything so I'm not being very helpful right now.

But, I will give you an overview of what I thought!

1) I felt like you need to describe more of where they are. I was sort of confused on that note. I want to imagine where they stand, where they walk. Stuff like that.

2) I think you need to describe your characters more. What does your MC look like? What does Zoe look like? Ect.

Umm, other than that, I liked it!

On to Part two! :wink:
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Tue Jun 10, 2008 3:31 am
Areida says...



From one extemper to another: HECKS YES! High fives all around for the awesomeness of the Sam!

I know some of your critiquers aren't fully getting it, but please, please, puh-leaze, I beg of you, Sambo, my love, my heart, do not change one. single. thing. about this piece. I love it with all of my heart, Or you know what? Forget my heart. From the bottom of my butt, I love this (because it's bigger than my heart). It makes me insanely happy and giggly and happy and tickled and then happy all over again.

Extemp humor ftw!

Plus all your characters pwn. I don't care how good Shuquiao is at extemp; there's no way her speaking skills could pwn more than Shuqiao, Akshay, and Zoe.

My favorites:

“Hey, Shuqiao,” he said. “Do we still need the Huckabee stuff?”

Be the Ann Coulter, she willed herself. He’s a Muslim. Hate him. Burn his country. Be the Ann, Shuqiao. Be the Ann.

He looked at her expectantly.

Become the outspoken white lady you know you can be. Hate him. Eat him. And his curry, too.

“Uh…no, I don’t think so.”

“Okay.”

Che-yeah-ah! I love this kind of teenaged awkwardness, and especially in this setting. It all comes out so ordinary, but inwardly, there is a whole lot going on that no one ever gets to see. I love being inside her head already.

As she numbly shook his hand, she tried to imagine what could possibly have gone wrong. They had both picked topics where they would get Children of Atrocities Points—the assassination of Benazir Bhutto and the Sichuan earthquakes. They had both shamelessly exploited their heritages in the pursuit of pathos. However, Shuqiao had offered properly pronounced Chinese. Was that not enough for them?

Yes! Hahahhaaha, yeeeeeeeees.

I know a lot of people won't get this, but to someone who's done extemporaneous speaking, this is fricking brilliant. It's so true! I mean, one part of you really just wants to give a good speech, to be opinionated, but not obnoxious, firm, but not inflexible. But in half an hour, you don't really have time to get on your high horse, because you're too focused on convincing those judges that you're part of the Brilliant-Clean-Cut-Bright-Future-of-America.

He tapped the smiley face one of the judges had scribbled on her scores and said, “You kind of pwned.”

“You won,” she said.

“I won, but that doesn’t mean I pwned.”

Bomb him, skin him, mistake him for being Afghan—

“Kind of does.”

He laughed. He had nice teeth.

I love the way this is developing. It's fluffy and lovely, but utterly brilliant and full of Sam at the same time. Love it love it love it.

*le snug*
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Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:02 pm
Curlyqpride says...



I love this story! I love the sense of humor and I loved the part where he smiled and she thought, "He has nice teeth, LOL, this is so creative and new! The characters are so fun and easy so mold and developed, I also love the names! You picked very imaginitive names, and there awesome! U got it going sam!

[i]bomb him skin him!

Lol, this is no normal romance which is what makes it so awesome!! Can't wait till I can get my butt on the computer again and read you'r other chappys! Terrific!
  





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Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:19 am
Pattycakes says...



Haha, this is really awesome. It had me laughing a lot, the combination of random humor and political commentary intermingles very well. The internal monologues really bring out the conflict of 'competition versus friendship' in the two characters relationship.

Shuqaio is a strong character already, really solid characterization and sense of humor. The comments about 'kill him, bomb him... be the Ann Coulter', that stuff is all brilliant. Akshay also seems really smooth and like a couple of kids I know. A little to good to be true but an entertaining character nonetheless. I'm not so sure about everyone else so far though. I know it's just your first chapter but for example Zoe is the main characters best friend but we really don't know anything about her. Even if it's the first chapter a best friend has to be more than a 'bouncing board' for the troubles of the main character. But I'll cut you slack cause its early :)

This leads into my second point. Except Akshay who you did a good job with, the reader doesn't know anything about how these kids look. It's nice that your story wasn't buried in purple prose but characters need physical fleshing out as well as verbal for them to really come to life in the readers mind.

I've never done extemp personally but a couple of my friends do and it certainly seems close enough to policy that the subculture is relatable. That said, you're little world has excellent little things that bring the activity to life. The 'sob story' competition sounds almost exactly how some of my friends have described it. The bit about Asians is quirky and funny as well. The two kids making out on the bus brought a smile as well, the activity has a fair bit of random making out between hormone crazed teens. Nice work!

And excellent ending, it made me smile.

Way to go, this gets my full support!
  





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Tue Aug 26, 2008 3:03 am
Angel of Death says...



Hello Sam,
As I mentioned to someone before, I'm on the random member critiquing bandwagon so I might be dropping in and out every once and a while.
On with the critiquing.
I love Shuqaio. She has this Me complex where she thinks everything should belong to her but then she has this mellow side that is devoured by her hate for everything that doesn't sit right with her. Fabulous character!
Akshay! Every time I read Romantic Fiction I find one thing that I love about the male counterpart of the story. He's every bit as great as Shuqaio, but he's every bit different from her. I'm not going to say more on him until I read more...which I definitely will...but I loved this really much.
-Angel
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Wed Nov 19, 2008 5:22 am
mizz-iceberg says...



Salaams Sam!

I'll echo everyones comments before and say that I loved this. The descriptions were great! Everything flowed so well.

I also liked the random humor. It kept me entertained. I was totally carried away with your words and your awesome characters.

I like Shuqio especially how she tells herself she hates Ashkay; should hate Ashkay but she can't help not hating him.


But I got more than a little confused here:

There were only so many times Shuqiao could stand being accused of Britishness before she had to obliterate Akshay and his Sexy Accent, his curry in a thermos, his Muslim Youth For Zardari pin. His destruction had to be during speech, cornered in the back of a library where he was most nervous and vulnerable—Districts, preferably, where tensions ran high and the bathroom Ritalin trade blossomed.


Kudos for such awesome characters!
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