Young Writers Society

I hope you like it.

___

The things I do for love
First off is to be quiet and gentle like a winter dove

Never lay my hand on the one I love
Because she is the one who has the key to my master glove

Patience is the most important thing in love
That why my girl and I never had sex involved

Baby girl think I am cheating on her with my ex-love
What baby girl don’t know is that I’ve done it all

I have messed with different types, sizes and ages of female
However, the closest I have been to my ex is writing her an e-mail

She wrote me back, but I did not give her a feedback
Because that time is in the past and I do not want to relive that

My ex is just another woman she is no one important
My girl is way better, she definitely more pleasant

Even though she thinks, I am cheating
She is still a great woman in the kitchen

Her food reminds me of my moms cooking
However, her kiss reminds me of my dads saying

If you find the right one, hold on tight, because
Every other one will just be all right

Hey babyboymilky!

First of all, welcome to the site! My name is Saint. I'm a Fiction Moderator 'round here, so if you ever need anything in the Fiction forums, give me a holler!

Second of all, you MUST do two reviews for every one piece you post. This keeps the site in balance and ensures that everyone will get a critique. Not to mention a lot of people like to repay critiques by giving that person a critique back!

Third of all, it's not a really good idea to post your work as an attachment, with the exception of the Advanced Critiques forum -- how do we know you're not posting a virus? It's best to do it text-only.

While I have your attention, be sure to check out the Site Rules & Regulations.

Welcome again, and I hope you have a good time!

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

awwwwwwwww...i liked it.

Hey, babyboymilky!

Welcome to YWS. ^_^ Make sure you do as Saint said and make some reviews--it's a bit daunting at first, but you'll find that they really help you improve.

The problem that I had with this poem was that I didn't get to know your thoughts and feelings as a person at all. I got the idea that someone was cheating, but I didn't quite know who, due to the fact that...well, it was quite confused. This was all because of the rhyming scheme. You've forced yourself into a rhyming scheme that you can't keep up with, and it shows, because you've augmented the lines to fit and...it doesn't.

My advice? When you're first starting out with poetry, avoid the rhyming. It's really hard to make work unless you really know your way around words.

With that said, you should probably scrap this poem. Sounds terrifying, but trust me, your next poem will be all the better. ^_^ Keep in mind to not use rhyme, and to let us understand your feelings as the narrator by using language effectively. If you haven't a clue how to do that, read some poetry to get yourself started.

Good luck!

babyboymilky,


This is awful. S1 starts off with the stereotypical rhymes of love/dove and the subsequent narrative is almost embarrassing to see - cliché follows cliché until the end is reached.

The continual mismanagement of punctuation and spelling fits right in with the rest of this effort. Throw it away.


Best,
Brad

My inner feminist inside of me is tempted to scream. This is such a shallow representation of a woman... especially of a beloved woman. It really doesn't say anything, just goes in a circle saying, "Oh, I'm in love, but I have an ex, but I don't really love her, but I sent her an email, but I love my girl because she has good cooking."

Er... okay.

So it's not really romantic and it's not really conflicted and it's not really... anything.

Focus! You need to figure out what you want to say and then say it. Don't just ramble on and say whatever rhymes. There's got to be a purpose in poetry, always.

ewk. Lol, you have a funny perception of love...I'd hate it if someone I loved came up to me and gave me this. It'd be pretty freaky.

Because she is the one who has the key to my master glove

Whats that? It certainly does not sound romantic.

That why my girl and I never had sex involved

I think you meant thats. And that kinda sounds wrong...

I could go on but like Brad said, it's not worth it.

I hated this lol.

Even though she thinks, I am cheating
She is still a great woman in the kitchen

Uh uh.

Anyway, work on everything

Peace V

If a man I was involved with wrote this about me, I would kick him to the curb.

Save this sort of personal drama for your blog, dear. It does not in any way make compelling poetry. Though it could be at least not mind-numbing if you had any idea of how to write poetry. Line breaks and couplets a poem does not make!

Much, much better luck next time.

Hey dude

You owe YWS four critiques for the two poems you've posted.

Also, this made me laugh. I'm not entirely sure if it was meant to be humerous or not though...

To be honest, I don't think you're a love writer, nor a poet. You should try crime writing, that's just a vague idea looking at your writing style.

Keep trying.

Nice job. But you might need a little more work, seems like it was a little forced, just a little. Don't stop writing, you can only get better as time goes by.

I think this is reeeeeaaaallllyyyy bad. I'm sorry but the language was awful and it seemed very sexist?

Hey babyboymilky!

It looks like you've already gotten some excellent feedback here, and I agree with most of it. Even as a non-poet (which, if you think about it, most of your audience - i.e. the world - is going to be), I can see that this is probably best dumped.

Learn from what the others have told you: don't try and conform to a rhyme scheme if you're just starting out, dig past the surface for original material, find your focus, avoid cliches/stereotypes, and unless you're trying to be sexist, either to prove a point, or to be ironic, or any other reason: don't. It's not attractive, it's not sympathetic, and it just plain doesn't work.

I know you've gotten a lot of harsh criticism, but don't think that means we all want you to give up. No, no, no - far from it. The fact that so many have stopped in to offer their suggestions should actually be a compliment to you, that they (A) cared enough to take their time to do so and (B) that it wasn't so awful they just gagged and hit "back." So take heart! I'm sure your future attempts will be better.

Don't give up!

She needs to be changed to she's in many sentences. Not very proper english. I myself wasn't a fan. I'm sorry.