Sirens' Symphony *Edited 2nd May*

This is unfinished (still) and normally I'm very against posting such rough work on the site but I'd really appreciate some feedback. Could you see a revised version of this working in a musical?

Siren 1: Dear sister - look at me - let me speak,
on matters of the heart.
I think you'll find I have some
wisdom to impart.

Siren 2: That's as may be, my sister dear,
but times have changed, the pages turned.
Please forgive me of my faults;
let the memories be burned.

I will die___
[spoken]: I will die to set him free.

Siren 1: Listen for a while -
You don't know what you say,
your words are being commanded:
part of someone else's play.

Don't be a fool, my dear,
don't go dancing with these notions,
always filled with fears; emotions!
Beyond these homely oceans
is no life for you.
Love is nothing true.

Love is but a lie; a tainted substance
and a poison -
meant for drinking, not for tasting,
meant for using - but with caution!

We've been such fools, me and you,
tempting fate with handsome faces,
witty minds and -

Siren 2: -Empty places.
So lonely, so lonely, so alone.

Oh how can I endure this -
life without him all amiss,
such pain that only love... may eclipse.

Siren 1: Then keep him here -- with us --
And don't let him leave your lips.
be his master not his mistress -
don't go taking chances
thinking he will follow kisses;
love takes what it will,
doesn't ask who you are
or what you've been through.

Siren 2: Then let love take me,
let him hold my hand.
Siren 1: But he will forsake you;
I don't understand. Siren 2: Can't you understand?

Siren 2: Love is like a melody and
someone sings beside you.

When you're in danger or in trouble, Siren 1: I'm singing, sister dear.
they're always right beside you. Siren 1: Dear sister, right beside you.

Siren 2: Oh sister, dear, I don't sing for me.
He's in love with her
and she with him.
They should be together, writing melodies forever;
he should hold her hand
while standing right beside her
and both would understand. Siren 1: I still don't understand.

Siren 1: Will you drown her with this fate?
Just think what love has done to you;
how quick it turns to hate.
preserve her life and happy memory -
don't set him free.
Do her a favor, without him, she'll pull through.

Siren 2: She'll pull through...
Siren 1: Better off without him
but I need you.
Love is sometimes true. Siren 2: Love is nothing true.

Siren 2: Love is but a lie; a tainted substance
and a poison -
meant for drinking, not for tasting,
meant for using - Siren 1: but with caution!

Both: We've been such fools, me and you,
tempting fate with handsome faces,
Siren 1: witty minds and romance traces Siren 2: Empty places not empty any more;
but now we're through. Siren 2: now we're through.
Both: He'll be the last of a long line of men,
stranded on shore on a paradise isle.

__________________________
Which parts are weak and which strong? I know it's hard without the tune but any and all comments will be greatly appreciated.

*Edit* It still needs a more conclusive ending and some of the additions are very sketchy and don't quite work but I can't seem to fix it. Help me?

*sniffles* its just sooooooooooo beautiful!
*wails*

*blows tissue and walks away*

Wow... That was beautiful. I don't know how else I can put it. There weren't any grammer errors that I saw.

This was my most favorite part:

Oh how can I endure this -
life without him all amiss,
such pain that only love... may eclipse.

This was my least favorite, when I read it out loud it didn't seem right to me.

Love is but a lie; a tainted substance
and a poison -
meant for drinking, not for tasting,
meant for using - but with caution!

Anyway... I loved it!

This seems like it would sound very good. Musicals are supposed to be more of telling a story with song, not as much lyrical poetry as regular music. And I thought that this was just like that. It still had poetic verses, but it was still interesting and descriptive. Though, it is hard to judge without the tune.

=D

Whee, this is for the musical you're working on, I take it? *gets excited*
I can imagine the secene and I think it'd very well in a musical once you're done revising.
I'd be interested in how the second siren reacts in the end. Does her sister convince her? If yes, mabe let her join in? Just curious

PM me when you're done revising or if you'd like a 'proper crit' on this, though I'm kind of just getting back into the whole lyrics business... I'd be glad to try to help you

All the best,
~Kalli

Hey Heather.

I really enjoyed this and can see it working well as part of a musical. In fact, I can hear the tune in my head as I read through this.

I agree with kittykat and I think the weakest part was this:

Love is but a lie; a tainted substance
and a poison -
meant for drinking, not for tasting,
meant for using - but with caution!

It's the last two lines that just don't flow. Perhaps in song it would be easier to work through.

Overall this was great and I don't have anything to critique!

'Lainna
xxx

Wow.

-blink, blink-

I really like this, a lot. And it does seem to be from a musical, which is good. It's believable, which is hard to accomplish a lot of the time. Nice work.

Dear sister - look at me - can we speak,
on matters of the heart?
I think you'll find I have some
wisdom to impart.

The questioning of "can we speak" as well as "I think you'll find" make Siren One sound wishy-washy when placed so close together. It's ambiguous as to whether they're equals or whether one is more apt to dominate over the other.

That's as may be, my sister dear

I love the circular, almost archaic wording of this. It adds an extra element of mystery to the idea of a siren.

and life gets merely second place;
my priorities re-arranging.

Something about the rhythm of these two lines needs tweaking. There are a lot of little words in the first line, and it's a full phrase, and not enough in the second, where it's a fragment. Maybe drop the "and" or add a "while my priorities are rearranging"?

Don't be a fool, my dear,
don't go dancing with these notions,
always filled with fears; emotions!
Beyond these homely oceans
is no life for you.
Love is nothing true.

I really like the rhyming here, and it's a lovely stanza all around, besides. Just be careful you don't overuse the word "fool" throughout the poem.

meant for drinking, not for tasting,
meant for using - but with caution!

I like the specification of drinking rather than tasting, but doesn't the "use with caution" in the line that follows contradict this idea? I suppose it's a little like the middle of the two extremes, but it makes everything seem a little grey when stark contrasts might be better.

We've been such fools, me and you,
tempting fate with handsome faces,
witty minds and -

Now they're being equally foolish? This weakens the wisdom the first siren was *imparting* at the beginning. The examples of witty minds and empty places are pretty with the rhythm and word choice, but I don't think they make enough sense in context. It's nice how Siren Two picked up where Siren One left off ^_^

-Empty places.
So lonely, so lonely, so alone.

This makes things seem so siren-like with the lonely, haunting repetition ^_^

but chain him to the table;
be his master not his mistress -
don't go taking chances

This seems a little more choppy than the rest of the song. He's randomly chained to the table, when everything they've talked about previously is so abstract.

Love is but a lie; a tainted substance
and a poison -
meant for drinking, not for tasting,
meant for using - but with caution!

I think this is a little awkward as an ending, just this last stanza, because it doesn't really resolve anything new, and I don't see the chorus in a new light as compared with the first time it's sung. Maybe play off this:

Then keep him here -- with us --
but chain him to the table;
be his master not his mistress -
don't go taking chances
thinking he will follow kisses;
love takes what it will.

stanza more to sum things up?

I'm sort of confused; at the beginning, Siren One seemed to be talking about how love itself is foolish because it can never be attained, but Siren Two doesn't seem to be looking for love: "Oh how can I endure this...such pain that only love... may eclipse". Eh, I guess I slightly take that back (yay for disproving your own point ^_^), but still at the end, they're talking about chaining the guy to keep him with them. Is this the guy that broke Siren Two's heart, or the new guy she wants to forget the first one with? I think they could be a little more plotting for sirens since in mythology, they're always the ones to wreck the ships, not help save them

I like all the mentions of keeping things within and things that are taken away and changing; it provides a nice structure.

This would be perfect in a musical! PM me when the revised version's up?

Thank you so much for the lovely feedback everyone! I have some ideas of how to finish this now and I can see that the content is at least vaguely understandable though it needs to be clearer in places. I can't wait until the framework of the script is finished and we can start inserting songs (Claire is not one hundred percent behind the idea but she likes two of the songs I'm working on so far)

I'm trying to think of answers to all your lovely questions Leja but it's quite difficult. I'll try though:

It's ambiguous as to whether they're equals or whether one is more apt to dominate over the other.

Both are generally equal though siren 2 perhaps a little more dominant.

I like the specification of drinking rather than tasting, but doesn't the "use with caution" in the line that follows contradict this idea?

Well use with caution as to who it's given to you see, not that it should be drunk with caution. It sort of reflects an event later in the story.

Now they're being equally foolish? This weakens the wisdom the first siren was *imparting* at the beginning. The examples of witty minds and empty places are pretty with the rhythm and word choice, but I don't think they make enough sense in context.

Rather, it makes little sense out of context which is a slight problem. They've both been equally foolish in the past in that, occasionally, they keep some of the men that they lure to their island (usually through wrecking their ships or pretending to be stranded) and the sisters are attracted to both good looks and 'witty minds.' The empty places is partly her empty heart but also something a little more complex that is still being thought out. Lol.

Is this the guy that broke Siren Two's heart, or the new guy she wants to forget the first one with?

This is the new guy she's fallen in love with and the idea behind siren 1's suggestion is that if a man escapes their island, the siren who brought him there will die and siren 1 knows that he's looking for a way to escape.

_____________________

More reviews are always welcome and appreciated =)

Hey Heather,

Siren 1: Dear sister - look at me - let me speak,
on matters of the heart.
I think you'll find I have some
wisdom to impart.

Siren 2: That's as may be, my sister dear,
but times have changed, the pages turned.
Please forgive me of my faults;
let the memories be burned.

I’d say this part has somewhat improved. As intended S2 sounds a bit more dominant, but S1 still has enough authority to be able to influence her sister. To thoroughly understand the second verse one must probably know more about the context. Does S2 point out that she has changed to show that S1s wisdom may not be accurate anymore?? It’ll probably make sense in context and overall I think this is very strong. Wouldn’t change a thing, except if absolutely necessary.

I will die___
[spoken]: I will die to set him free.

She will die if he leaves the island and he loves another, yes? Wonderful idea to have it spoken. It combines the acting and singing even more and gives the statement more weight.

Siren 1: Listen for a while -
You don't know what you say,
your words are being commanded: I’m not sure whether commanded is the best word here. Try destined or maybe directed? (They both start with “d” ô.O)
part of someone else's play. I love this line.

Wonderful verse.

Don't be a fool, my dear,
don't go dancing with these notions, Lovely image!
always filled with fears; emotions!
Beyond these homely oceans
is no life for you.
Love is nothing true.

Love is but a lie; a tainted substance
and a poison -
meant for drinking, not for tasting,
meant for using - but with caution!


We've been such fools, me and you,
tempting fate with handsome faces,
witty minds and -

Siren 2: -Empty places.
So lonely, so lonely, so alone.

Lovely how they complete one another.

Oh how can I endure this -
life without him all amiss,
such pain that only love... may eclipse.

Up until here all I can do is flood you with praise for this. Simply wonderful.

Siren 1: Then keep him here -- with us --
And don't let him leave your lips.
be his master not his mistress -
don't go taking chances
thinking he will follow kisses;
love takes what it will,
doesn't ask who you are
or what you've been through.

The underlined part seems a bit sketchy and too casual in places.
Here's an alternative, which hopefully is some help to you:

don’t expose your weakness
believing he’s ensnared by kisses;
love takes what it will,
doesn’t care to ask your name,
or notice your sustain / blind for your sustain.

Siren 2: Then let love take me,
let him hold my hand.
Siren 1: But he will forsake you;
I don't understand. Siren 2: Can't you understand?

Siren 2: Love is like the sweetest song and

“A melody” sounds a bit flat out, so perhaps this would work?

someone sings beside you.
When you're in danger or in trouble, Siren 1: I'm singing, sister dear.
they're always right beside you. Siren 1: Dear sister, right beside you.

Argh, I need to go. The rest of the crit's done and I'll post it sometime tomorrow, sorry for breaking it off here...

Hope this half is help!

~Kalliope

*Huggles* It's very helpful, dear. I'll try and make more edits later this week. There's something about it that doesn't feel quite right... but at least I have you guys to help me fix it =)

Okay, here's the rest.

Siren 2: Oh sister, dear, I don't sing for me. The third “sister dear” seems to be a bit much, so maybe replace that with something else? Also “I don’t sing for me” sounds a little awkward. Maybe try “Oh sister, I’m not singing for me”?? (Although I’m not so sure about that…)

He's in love with her
and she with him.

So she’s singing for both of them? It’s a bit unclear what these two lines refer to.

They should be together, writing melodies forever;
he should hold her hand
while standing right beside her
and both would understand. Siren 1: I still don't understand.

Siren 1: Will you drown her with this fate? I think this could be somewhat clearer. Try something that sais: Do you want her to suffer the way you did? And see how that works out.

Just think what love has done to you;
how quick it turns to hate.
Preserve her life and happy memory -
don't set him free.

This part is a bit weak. I wonder if this would work:
You’d wreck her life and happy memory
by setting him free.
Maybe a bit drastic, but she’s trying to convince her after all… (If it’s too strong you could try to substitute wreck as well.)


Do her a favor, keepinghim;she will start anew /she will weather through.

Siren 2: She will start anew… / She will weather through…

Siren 1: Better off without him
but I need you.
Love is sometimes true. Siren 2: Love is nothing true.

“She will pull through” seems to cut the flow in my ears, plus I think it sounds a bit too casual.

Siren 2: Love is but a lie; a tainted substance
and a poison -
meant for drinking, not for tasting,
meant for using - Siren 1: but with caution!

Both: We've been such fools, me and you,
tempting fate with handsome faces,
Siren 1: witty minds and romance traces Siren 2: Empty places not empty anymore;
but now we're through. Siren 2: now we're through.
I don’t know if this is a fitting way of saying it, but I can’t think of anything better that would be even nearly as short.
Both: He'll be the last of a long line of men,
stranded on shores of this paradise isle.

They can only speak of what’s within their reach, which means their island, if I’m not mistaken thinking that’s what they’re talking about?

Overall I find this amazing and I love your closing lines. Great, really. I’ve pointed out the places I think that could be improved and have tried to come up with suggestions. Feel free to ignore them if they’re no good
I hope I was some help to you (This took me forever…) and just PM me if you make any changes or have questions or something.

Good writing!
Kalliope

Quote:
I like the specification of drinking rather than tasting, but doesn't the "use with caution" in the line that follows contradict this idea?

Well use with caution as to who it's given to you see, not that it should be drunk with caution. It sort of reflects an event later in the story.

Ah, I see!

This version is so much... fuller, you know? It really feels like it has context now, with lines like these: " I will die___
[spoken]: I will die to set him free. " Kinda creepy, actually. Though I suppose that's a good thing, given that they're sirens?

Siren 2: Love is like a melody and
someone sings beside you.

When you're in danger or in trouble, Siren 1: I'm singing, sister dear.
they're always right beside you. Siren 1: Dear sister, right beside you.

^ I'm not sure about these lines; the sentiment's there, but they seem to change the tone of the song. Of course, that's just the impression I get from the words. The melody might make it something else entirely ^_^

Both: We've been such fools, me and you,
tempting fate with handsome faces,
Siren 1: witty minds and romance traces Siren 2: Empty places not empty any more;
but now we're through. Siren 2: now we're through.
Both: He'll be the last of a long line of men,
stranded on shore on a paradise isle.

I love this new last verse! In terms of it being more conclusive, maybe look towards the idea that he's trying to escape and they're trying to keep him there? See if you can incorporate the feeling of the last two lines through the whole thing?

The only slightly "sketchy" additions I see are the harmonization with the background lines (ex: "Siren 1: Better off without him/ but I need you./ Love is sometimes true. Siren 2: Love is nothing true"). They're so short that they might come off a little cutesy. Maybe if you lengthened them? Then again, I don't really know what I'm talking about

I'm having trouble determining the overall mood for this. Is it supposed to be a little dark and sinister, or is it supposed to be more wholeheartedly romantic dilema?

I'll try to help as much as I can...

Siren 1: Dear sister - look at me - let me speak,
on matters of the heart.
I think you'll find I have some
wisdom to impart.

Get rid of the look at me bit, it makes it very hard to sing. Then I would make the last line longer by putting something in front of wisdom. The only thing I can think of right now is important, but you might be able to come up with something better.

Siren 2: That's as may be, my sister dear,
but times have changed, the pages turned.
Please forgive me of my faults;
let the memories be burned.

I would write,

That may be, my sister dear,
but times have changed, the pages turn.
Please forgive of my faults;
let the memories burn.

I will die___

Is the die supposed to be a long note? If so, putting ---- in would be better, because___ makes it look like you're trying to find another word.

Siren 1: Listen for a while -
You don't know what you say,
your words are being commanded:
part of someone else's play.

I'd write the last part as-

Your words, they be commanded,
for someone else's play.

Don't be a fool, my dear,
don't go dancing with these notions,
always filled with fears; emotions!
Beyond these homely oceans
is no life for you.
Love is nothing true.

I'd change the third line so it reads, always filled with fears and emotions! And the last line to, This love is nthing true.

So lonely, so lonely, so alone.

I think this bit should be spoken.

Oh how can I endure this -
life without him all amiss,
such pain that only love... may eclipse.

This bit doesn't work very well. Perhaps, life without him is amiss. And then I'd change the may to can in the last line.

love takes what it will,
doesn't ask who you are
or what you've been through.

This bit just doesn't seem to go. I'd try and think of something else to put there.

Can't you understand?

Should be spoken.



Overall I liked it. Of course, it's lyrics and your tune could be different to what I was putting with it. I liked the idea behind it, and I could see it being used in a musical (why do you ask?). I just think that some bits need to be changed. (Don't fret- lyrics are really hard).

Good job and good luck in future!

Kalli - Thank you so much! That really helps me see where the weakest sections are; I'm forever in your debt. If you want a critique in exchange or even more than one, just go ahead and ask.

Leja - Thank you so very much. I'll gladly critique anything of yours in return.

I'm having trouble determining the overall mood for this. Is it supposed to be a little dark and sinister, or is it supposed to be more wholeheartedly romantic dilema?

A little dark and sinister for sure but also sad and soft, it's hard to explain the tune that's flitting through my head. I never was too good at music but certainly quite dark and sad.

Chocoholic - Some great suggestions, thanks and I'll be using at least one, possibly more when I start my next editing process.

Overall I liked it. Of course, it's lyrics and your tune could be different to what I was putting with it. I liked the idea behind it, and I could see it being used in a musical (why do you ask?)

I'm co-writing an animation script with my sister and we've been discussing turning it into a musical. To try and convince her, I've started working on two or three possible songs.