Young Writers Society

This seems nice, but it's been a while since I read/wrote anything very descriptive. I greatly appreciate comments, and thanks in advance for reading.

A sliver of night descended the bluff that overlooked the little town, seeming to trembling under the caress of the night breeze. It looked up to the sky, twin daughters of the moon looking upward to behold their mother’s brilliance.

A sound permeated the night, piercing the peace of the evening and waking the world. Within moments, the sleeping town rose dazedly from its rest. Unseen, the shadow drifted towards the town, hesitating as new sounds rose from the village—screaming. Like a discordant choir the villager’s voices sang out, ripping through the protective veil of darkness and bringing horror into the world. The shadow shivered, coming to a halt by the stream that ran the length of the village’s southern perimeter.

It waited, swaying with the wheat as they were caressed by a breeze that, undisturbed, carried the sounds of carnage across the fields. The shadow watched the sky, emerald spheres glittering, as they were mesmerized and calmed by the stars. The screams, punctuated by dull crashes, were like the life of the town—as the moon glided across a sea of blue velvet, they began to ebb away.

Night descended once again, claiming the world as its own and throwing its shawl of silence over the land. It was time.

The shadow sighed—a sound sweetened by relief though veiled in resignation—and pulled back its hood, revealing wild brown curls and a tanned brown face. With care, Yazra danced across the stones in the water and made her way to the village, stirring the night as she rustled through the stalks of un-harvested wheat.

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Feedback questions
1) What do you think? Any good?
2) a. If this was the beginning of a novel, would you find yourself bored silly by all this description? b. The scene
3) What do you think of the way I didn't name the character until later in the scene?

Explanation of why Keek has suddenly gone all descriptive
I was getting a little sad, because I've been very plot driven with DoaV and I haven't been spending much time on the description. I wasn't sure I even had any descriptive talent left. Add a 700 word essay I haven't really started, a desire to procrastinate, a peek at 'The Immortals' that filled me with fear that I had lost the art of writing pretty things... and you get this.

^_^ Keek!

p.s. For DoaV readers you might recognize this scene. Hint: it's the beginning of the original DoaV chapter one, from Yazra's perspective. No worries, this is not part of the story I am hiding from you. =P It's just Keek practicing her skills.

To answer your questions:

1) What do you think? Any good?

Yes, it was good but...

2) a. If this was the beginning of a novel, would you find yourself bored silly by all this description?

BORED SILLY. The descriptions were good but I had to read every paragraph at least twice to capture what you were saying. Don't cut out all the descriptions but maybe slim them down a bit. Right now all the describing is just tiring.

3) What do you think of the way I didn't name the character until later in the scene?

The thing is this; the whole time I was reading this I had a hard time understand what the shadow was exactly. It didn't really have any discerning qualities...it was just kind of there...lurking. For a few sentences I actually stopped paying attention to it. It kind of just faded away. So I guess the answer to your question is that I didn't like how you waited until the end of the scene to unveil your character.

But, overall, I did enjoy this piece. The descriptions were a bit overwhelming, yes, but they were very good descriptions. Like "shawl of silence" or "emerald spheres glittering" all incredibly nice. Just trim it a bit, right now everything seems to get gobbled up in the imagery.

But do continue it! I am very intrigued

~hekate

^_^ Thank you. XD I really haven't used this style in a while, so I'm trying to figure what's too much and what's too little. =P I'll definitely see about slimming it down.

1) What do you think? Any good?

It was pretty cool. It was descriptive and well written.

2) a. If this was the beginning of a novel, would you find yourself bored silly by all this description? b. The scene

Ya, I would be. I admit that I'd be curious enough to continue, but I wouldn't be 'too' into it.

3) What do you think of the way I didn't name the character until later in the scene?

Truthfully, I didn't even notice. The reading must not have captivated me enough to make it apparent to me.

1) What do you think? Any good? I liked the description, but I think that you could make it a little bit easier to read.
2) a. If this was the beginning of a novel, would you find yourself bored silly by all this description? Probably, yes... although this is kind of like how I start some of my stories... But if it's a story that I've already gotten hoked on (like, say, DoaV/ToaV or something), I like it.
3) What do you think of the way I didn't name the character until later in the scene? Me like. I do that a lot too.

Good luck! PM me with any questions; I know I can be kind of confusing.

~JFW1415

=P I think I got most of it. Thanks for the feedback. *was sure this had vanished into the depths of the forum*

I will try and work on my description skills. I need to practice balancing between description and actions. =P

Hiya,

I know this was put up ages ago, but I love descriptive pieces, so do you mind if I take a peek...?

A sliver of night descended the bluff that overlooked the little town, seeming to trembling under the caress of the night breeze.

Would work better as:

'As sliver of night descended upon the little town's bluff, seemingly trembling under the caress of the night breeze.'

It flows better and gets rid of unnecessary words. Also, it makes sense.

It looked up to the sky, twin daughters of the moon looking upward to behold their mother’s brilliance.

What is looking up? Also, you have looked and looking too close together. Aside from that it is a nice sentence.

un-harvested wheat.

Do we need to know that it is unharvested? I would find a better adjective, or just not use one here.

a peek at 'The Immortals' that filled me with fear that I had lost the art of writing pretty things... and you get this.

So sweet! Hehe! I don't know what you wer like before you are certainly excellent at descriptive pieces.

Feedback questions
1) What do you think? Any good?
2) a. If this was the beginning of a novel, would you find yourself bored silly by all this description? b. The scene
3) What do you think of the way I didn't name the character until later in the scene?

1) Yes! Just tidy up a few bits her and there and voila!
2)a No, I wouldn't because I love description, and I love the fact that I feel I am there, especially in fantasy. That is just me though. I usually start with a *-BANG-*, like a sword-fight, and then move into a slow description to calm the senses down.
3) I think it is clever, a lot of great writers do it. I think it is fun and keeps the read interested.

General Impression

Well, you clearly have an art for painting a picture. I love that and I would like to see more of this lovely descriptions in DoaV!

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Hi, Keek!

Do you mind if I try my hand at critiquing this? Why thank you -- my pleasure.

It looked up to the sky, twin daughters of the moon looking upward to behold their mother’s brilliance.

I really don't understand this -- ways to clarify: 1. rather than saying "it looked up at the sky," try showing us what "it" is. 2. I like the whole "twin daughters" thing, but frankly, I have no clue what you're talking about. You can keep that bit, but make sure to add something else somewhere (like the previous/following sentence) to let us know what you're talking about. ^_~

Like a discordant choir the villager’s voices sang out, ripping through the protective veil of darkness and bringing horror into the world.

1. there should be a comma after "choir." 2. That last part ("bringing horror to the world") is a bit too dramatic, methinks. Try showing the horror it brings rather than telling us--try showing us that the screams shatter the serenity of the night, show us the havoc spreading like a flood...

It waited, swaying with the wheat as they were caressed by a breeze that, undisturbed, carried the sounds of carnage across the fields.

If you say "the wheat" then you should say "as it was caressed." If you want to say "as they were caressed" then you should say "the wheat stalks" or something like that... If I'm reading this right.

1) What do you think? Any good?Sure, it's good. I'll go more into that later, okay?
2) a. If this was the beginning of a novel, would you find yourself bored silly by all this description? b. The scene Definitely not. I love starting with description! This would make a great prologue.
3) What do you think of the way I didn't name the character until later in the scene? I didn't like it at all. Either you should say her name earlier on, or you just shouldn't say it. If you only say it once -- and in the last sentence! -- then it's just awkward.

The description was really nice... but I still can't imagine the scene that well. I need more description of smells and feelings. I don't know what temperature it is, for example. I also don't really know what the place is like... there's a village, and the "shadow" is like skirting the edge. But I don't know if the village is large, or small; I know that there's a stream and some wheat, but are there trees?

Conclusion: This was good. It just needs more!

I hope this helps! PM me if I was unclear about anything, or you just want to talk or something.

~Azila~

I thought it was pretty cool

I liked it. And no, if it was the beginning of the novel, I would keep reading. Mind you, I don't like fantasy, so I would probably just leave sometime later - but I do like it, and I can almost picture your scene in my head. Ka Pai!

This is a rather old story. Please check the dates when reviewing things.

Thank you!

I declare this topic locked.