Young Writers Society

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Version 2
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He looks one way, she another
and then their gazes meet
while the world slows down for them
though people still rush past in ignorance.
Their eyes glance off one another
again lost in the sea of people
now never to meet again.

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Version 1
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He looks one way, she another,
their gaze meeting then glancing
and the world slows down for them
as people rush past in ignorance.
It's amazing they found each other again
in the midst of so many strangers
but who knows to appreciate such a miracle?


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Note
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Version 2 better?
:grr: I'll get around to rewriting/editing/etc. ... eventually.

I like it but even poems this short can be improved, "then glancing" can be turned into thn holding, and I feel that "in ignorance" can easily be turned to somethig more elequint or it might sound better as simply ignorant. Also it may just be my opinion but the title, No Miracle makes little sence. Yes you use the word miracle, but the no is contradictory, you could call it Unwitnessed Miracle. But the poem is not implieing the, if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it does it make a sound? theory, to miracles is it? I really liked the first line.

The feeling I get from the first three lines is really strong, the words make everything surreal and important. The "Glancing" and how they look opposite ways makes me feel like the meeting is too important to look upon, to focus properly on.

The fourth line, with the ignorance doesn't fit in with the start and it could be more eloquent as ChurlishLassy said.

but who would care?
Who is there to appreciate such a miracle?

I'm not a big fan of questions in poetry and I don't think that ending on two works. One would be good but two followed in such quick succession is a bit of an anticlimax to the beautiful mood that you originally create.

I enjoyed this, and Im not even a poetry person. It had a very story-like feel to it. It was short sweet and simple. well done

I very much enjoyed this piece. Normally, I would have given you a nice juicy crit, but it seems that Mad and ChurlishLassy have stolen my words, therefore I shan't repeat.

Keep it up!

Best wishes,
Rosaleah

this is really god but it kind of throws me off at the end and stops suddenly

I like it. It really cute.

He looks one way, she another,
their gaze meeting then glancing

gaze should probably be "gazes" as you're talking about two gazes meeting. I was confused what you meant by "glancing"? The next line doesn't seem to qualify it and it sort of hangs meaninglessly there. I assume you were probably trying to say glancing away, but glancing on it's own doesn't work. You need another verb to describe the ending of the meeting, I feel.

and the world slows down for them
as people rush past in ignorance.

I'm not a fan of the "and" at the start of line 3. L4 - what are the people rushing past ignorant of? The boy and the girl looking at one another? What is so special about their brief meeting of gazes that warrants this to be called ignorance? I wasn't sure what the intended meaning there was.

It's amazing they found each other again
in the midst of so many strangers
but who knows to appreciate such a miracle?

Well, that at least explains L4 a little better -- so the meeting is something special indeed.

I was left a little empty at the end of this. I'm not really sure why them meeting again is so special at all. Also, L1-2 seems to indicate that all they shared was a brief glance rather than finding each other. At first I thought it was two people that just caught each other looking rather than anything else. Your original meaning seems to be a little skewed in any case, so maybe you should work on clarifying your intent a bit more within this poem.

Hope that helps.

He looks one way, she another
and then their gazes meet
while the world slows down for them
though people still rush past in ignorance. [This line irritates me, because I feel like the sentence should have ended on L3, so when it continues, I'm baffled as to read it. I don't expect it.]
Their eyes glance off one another
again lost in the sea of people
now never to meet again. [The last two lines don't really work for me. I want to put a comma after "another" but your structure is obviously sans much grammar, with a purpose. "Now never to meet again" really bothered me but I couldn't say why, nor how to fix it.]

I feel useless in my critiques... I think I like your poetry more when there is more to them, more meat to pick apart and enjoy. They're very thin, and small, which isn't always a bad thing, but with you, it's too simple for me to enjoy. It's like having a Christmas tree; you would much rather have a decorated one, rather than just a tree, though both are nice.

I actually like the version 1 better. It seemed more full, more flowing--but of course, version 1 isn't flawless either. I sort of combined the two here, to make sure they are both better than what they were:

He looks one way, she another
and their gazes meet.
The world slows down for them
as people rush past in ignorance--
It's amazing they found each other again
lost in a river of strangers.

The last lines of both seemed too amature, so I decided to just leave them out.

This poem was really good. It was sort of cliche, though not really, in the sense that you portrayed it originally. It makes me recall one of those black and white pictures of a couple making out while everything around them is fast.

I think the combination really works. PM me if you have any questions!

Awww, 'Melia... It's sad! But good! And sad! And good! Good sad.

I think I like Version 1 better than Version 2. It flows better, and conveys more feeling, at least to me.

But yeah. I thought this was nice. Something I'd write on one of my school folders. Hmm. I think I will.

Uh, a bit of both i guess. Neither of them seemed convincingly sympathetic [or whatnot] to whatever kind of audience there is. Something lacks and seemed rushed in version 1 while in version 2, it lacked depth and that complex residue of the emotions of the ill-fated lovers.

BUT....a beautiful but.

I shall say this has pulled a string from my heart. Well written. No doubts there.

Yay!