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StoweAway #4



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Fri Feb 29, 2008 5:25 am
BigBadBear says...



Ok, I haven't updated StoweAway for a while, so I thought that I would. Ok, it's been too long since you've read #3, so I'll give you a little symponis.

Aly and Zek wander into a canal, where they meet a Raven. The Raven tells them that Lord Isaac has sent an army and they are at North Bristol, just a few miles from where East Bristol is. Aly is determind to tell the villiagers that an army is coming, and she tells a factory worker, but he doesn't believe her. Zek and Aly agree to tell Uncle Steven and Auntie Clair about the army, and that is where chapter four starts.

Captives

4

“I thought I told you and your bloody cat to stay inside!” Uncle Steven roared as Aly and Zek stumbled into the house. Uncle Steven’s face was sour, as if he were eating a lemon. His eyes glared down at her and his fists lay on the wooden table. Auntie Clair was sitting by the fireplace stirring tea, trying to avoid the oncoming contention.

“Um…” Aly said, forgetting what it was they were supposed to tell him. She glanced down at Zek and her beautiful eyes stared back. The cat’s jaw was trembling slightly and Aly could sense fear. Zek prodded Aly’s leg and reminded her of the army.

“Uncle Steven! Please, listen to me! There is this big army attacking North Bristol! We need to help them!” Aly shouted. Uncle Steven didn’t move, but Auntie Clair looked up from her tea.

It seemed like they had all frozen until Auntie Clair glanced at Uncle Steven, whose face hadn’t moved from its original position.

“What are you talking about?” he questioned, his gaze becoming fiercer.

Aly replied, “Someone told me that Lord Isaac is attacking North Bristol. Uncle Steven, please we have to do something!”

“Who told you that, dear?” Auntie Clair asked, placing her hands on her hips. Her soft green eyes were set intently on her niece.

“It was… um…” Aly glanced down to Zek. Should she tell them about the Raven? Would they believe her?

“It was who?” Uncle Steven asked sternly. His fists were turning white because he was squeezing so firmly.

“Um…” Aly didn’t know what to say. “It was… it was a man. Yes, it was a man who saw them attacking. He turned around and ran back here to tell us. He saw me first and so he told me.” Aly looked desperately at the two adults, her hands pleading with them.

Auntie Clair looked at Uncle Steven. The man didn’t seem to believe Aly by the look on his face.

“Who was this man?” he asked. He slid his hands underneath the table and leaned back in the wooden chair, rocking it back and forth on the back legs.

“I don’t know! All he said was that he saw Lord Isaac’s soldiers approaching East Bristol,” Aly replied. She placed one hand on Zek’s head and squeezed her fur. The leopard squirmed, feeling Uncle Steven’s unwillingness to accept the truth. Zek tried desperately to send positive thoughts to the man, but he refused them.

“Dear? What are we going to do?” Auntie Clair asked. Her hands were still on her hips and her eyebrows were buried into her head.

“Nothing. We’re going to do nothing at all. This girl is a liar,” Uncle Steven replied calmly, eyeing Aly. All of the blood rushed from her face.

“No! Please! You have to do something! They are going to kill us if we don’t!” Aly screamed as she ran over to her uncle. She leaned across the table and looked into his eyes. Zek growled and ran under the table and placed one paw on Uncle Steven’s lap. He pushed it away, looking disgusted.

“Put Zekyll outside, Clair. She’s filthy.”

“Please believe me! The Ra- I mean, the man said that the army was attacking! We have to help them!”

Uncle Steven didn’t reply. He glared into Aly’s eyes and suddenly his arm flashed up and slapped her across the face.

Auntie Clair gasped as Aly screamed and fell off the table. His fingernails dug into her precious skin and scraped a layer or so off. Zek growled and ran over to her injured friend, licking her nasty cut. Aly screamed pushed Zek away, who was as frightened as Uncle Steven’s behavior as Aly, if not worse.

“Steven! How dare you!” Auntie Clair gasped as she helped Aly stand up. There was a nasty red welt on the side of her face and tears streaming out of her eyes. She didn’t dare look at her attacker; instead Auntie Clair brought her to her room and laid Aly on her bed. Zek whimpered beside her. Auntie Clair grabbed a towel and wetted it with some nearby water and placed it on the cut. It stung and Aly whimpered. Zek sent warm feelings to her, but again she was pushed away.

Aly tried to say something, but it all came out in jumbled stutters. Her cheek seemed to be swelling and it hurt when Auntie Clair placed her hand on it.

Aly squirmed and said, “N-no… please… it hurts…” Zek whimpered again and placed her head beside Aly’s.

“I’m so sorry, dearest. I don’t know what is the matter with your uncle today. This won’t happen again, you understand?” Auntie Clair promised.

But Aly didn’t care about the nasty bruise that she would be receiving. What was haunting Aly was that no one was going to help North Bristol. As Auntie Clair slid out of the room, blowing out the candle, Aly was reminded from Zek that all of those people were going to die… and it was all their fault.

*

Zek jumped in her sleep as she heard yelling and shouts outside of their house. She looked around, frightened, and growled. Aly didn’t seem to hear anything, so she nudged her with her cold, wet nose.

Aly squirmed in her bed and said groggily, “Zek, not now…”

Zek sighed and jumped up onto Aly’s clothes dresser because there was a small vent that she could see out of. When she was positioned just right, Zek stared into the dark night.

There were men. Lots of them. Most of them held torches in their hands. Others had big rifles. What was going on?

Suddenly, Zek heard a loud bang and jumped. She slipped off of the dresser and fell down onto the ground. She whimpered and yelped. Aly jumped and her head jerked over towards the sound.

“Zek! Oh, Zek! What’s wrong?” Another loud shot filled her ears and Aly screamed. Zek growled and sent Aly pictures of men with torches.

“It’s Lord Isaacs’ troops! They’ve come!” Aly shouted and her bedroom door opened. Auntie Clair rushed in and embraced Aly. Zek stared at them.

“Your uncle is gone outside. He went to see what was going on. Oh, Aly!” Auntie Clair cried and hugged her tighter.

“I told you! I told you and you didn’t believe me!” Aly shouted, pushing herself away from her aunt.

“Aly, we’ll have none of that! All we need to do right now is to hide. That’s what Steven said, and that’s what we’ll do. Come on, dear.”

Aly motioned for Zek to follow her and the three of them huddled together in a corner of Aly’s room. Aly’s heart pounded in her ribcage as she heard gunshots close by. She gripped Zek and the snow leopard laid herself upon Aly’s legs. Aly petted her and Auntie Clair tugged on her dress, her bottom lip trembling.

Outside of the vent was clearly visible from where Aly and Zek sat, although all they could see were the stars. The night was cold and the stars shone bright.

There were more gunshots and yells and with ever the threesome heard them, they all flinched.

Aly whispered to Zek, trembling, “I warned them. They just didn’t believe me. I warned them, Zek.” Zek purred and licked Aly’s face.

“Ouch! Zek, that’s my bruise!” Aly whimpered and Zek sent sorrowful thoughts to her.

The night drew on. It got colder. The gunshots became more distant until they were barely audible at all. It wasn’t until much later when Aly finally spoke.

“Auntie Clair, can we get up now? Is it safe?”

“No, dear. We are going to wait until Steven gets home.”

So they stayed, huddled in the one corner of Aly’s room.

*

Aly was in a very uncomfortable position, so she lay her head down on the hard, wooden floor. Zek purred loudly and nudged herself into Aly’s arms. The girl smiled and hugged her big cat.

“What’s going on out there? Do you know?” Aly asked a while later. Zek had fallen asleep.

“No, dear,” Auntie Clair whispered. “Your uncle didn’t tell me anything other than he had to go.”

“Where is he? I mean, we can’t hear anything outside. The battle is probably over.”

“I don’t know. He told me that we should hide, and we are. We aren’t going to do anything else.”

Aly sighed. “Can I at least go to my bed? Please? I’m really tired and my face is hurting.”

Auntie Clair was silent for a moment and then replied, “Yes, dear. Go to sleep. I’ll go and check outside.” Aly smiled and slowly climbed to her feet. She rushed to her bed and hugged her warm blankets. Zek was snoring softly on the floor next to the wall that they had been sitting at.

Aly listened quietly to what Auntie Clair was doing.

Auntie Clair opened the front door and everything was silent for a moment. Aly lifted her head off her pillow so she could hear more clearly.

“Oh Lord…” she heard Auntie Clair mutter. “No! No, no, no, no!”

Aly’s heart fluttered and she jumped out of bed and rushed out of her room. What was Auntie Clair seeing? What was going on? Was everyone dead?

“No!” she heard her aunt yell again. When Aly finally reached the doorway, Zek was right at her feet.

Aly slowly looked out, absorbing all that she possibly could at one time. Her lip trembled and suddenly she crouched down. She covered her mouth with her hand and looked away, a droplet of a tear sliding down her swollen face.

Zek growled at the dead body that lay just mere feet away from the doorway. The face was unrecognizable; it was torn up and punctured with many bullets.

Aly started breathing heavily and wiped a tear from her eye. What other horrors would await her that night?

“Aunt- Auntie Clair!” Aly shouted, stumbling over her words. Her aunt was not by the house anymore, and if Aly were to find her she would have to venture out into the battlefield.

“Zek? Zek, c’mon. Hurry,” Aly muttered, completely out of breath. Tears were swelling up in her eyes and she rubbed them away. It was then that she saw the horrible sight that used to be East Bristol.

Brilliant flames crept up into log homes. Trees were splintered. Villagers were racing to put out the fire. Smoke slithering into the dark, night sky and Aly was dumbstruck.

What had happened?

Zek moaned in her throat and rubbed her face against Aly’s leg. The poor leopard was utterly terrified because Aly was receiving thoughts of horror and shock.

Aly didn’t know what to expect. Was she seeing things? This wasn’t East Bristol. Her city was beautiful. The fires were kept in fireplaces, and smoke was supposed to billow from chimneys.

Where was East Bristol?

Zek sent Aly a sudden picture of Auntie Clair talking with Mrs. Smith, a neighbor. Aly’s eyes flickered over to the Smiths’ home and saw her aunt.

“Auntie Clair! Auntie Clair!” she cried and hurled herself towards the two ladies. Zek bounded behind her. Aly’s heart thumped against her chest, making it incredibly hard to breathe.

“Aly! Get back in the house, now!” Auntie Clair shrieked, tears streaming down her cheeks. Her blue eyes were not as pretty as they’d used to be. They were now filled with horror and dread, and Aly sensed it.

“What… what happened?” she asked.

“Go! Go back to the house. It’s too dangerous out here. Get!” Auntie Clair cried, pointing a long finger towards their home. Aly was about to protest when her auntie shouted the phrase again.

Zek purred and tugged on Aly’s leggings with her teeth. The girl looked down and said, “Zek! No!”

“Go!” Auntie Clair moaned and then placed a hand on her forehead. Mrs. Smith wiped her eye and embraced Auntie Clair. The poor woman was trying to say something to comfort her, but words were refusing to come.

Aly eyed them until Zek growled. She turned to the cat and said, “What do you think happened?” Zek refused to answer, turned and roved back to the house.

Aly took one final look at Auntie Clair and followed, a million questions racing through her head.

*

It has been four whole weeks since Uncle Steven has been taken. Zek and I think and pray about him constantly, but Auntie Clair is always weeping. Always weeping. There is no end to it. It must be terribly hard to find out that Lord Isaac had taken your husband captive.

Uncle Steven wasn’t the only one, though. Mr. Smith and Mr. Jenson had been taken, along with many of East Bristol’s youth. I was lucky enough to have hidden with Auntie Clair, or they would have taken me.

I got this journal from one of the Rats, a gang of boys. Well, not really. I took it from him, but only because he was about to toss it in the canal. I couldn’t let him to that to an empty notepad! And it was absurd to throw away paper in a time like this!

I have to be off now. Auntie Clair needs my help with something. I’ll write more about Uncle Steven later, if I get the chance.

-Aly


Aly sighed and shut the notepad. It had been her first entry, and her last if she were to know what events would soon follow.

“Yes, Auntie Clair. I’m coming,” Aly replied kindly. She had taken an extra step to be kinder to the dear lady. It was incredibly hard to find out that her husband had been taken, but there was more news than that.

Auntie Clair, just a few days ago, had announced that she was pregnant. Aly was completely shocked to the core. Auntie Clair? Pregnant? But she was indeed.

She was in her fourth month the day that Aly wrote her first and last entry in the journal. Auntie Clair was showing clear signs of roundness near the stomach, and every time she looked at it, it made Aly squeal with delight. Just thinking about a little baby cousin sounded wonderful…

But Aly would have to step up. Auntie Clair was nearing her old age. She (for Aly was positive that the baby would be a girl) would need someone young and playful. The little baby would absolutely adore her.

They would be best friends. They would grow up and do everything together.

If only Aly knew what was going to be in store for her, she would have changed her way of thinking.

*

Wow, that was a terribly long chapter! Sorry, and it you took the time to read it, congrats! Thanks!

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Fri Feb 29, 2008 5:32 pm
Aedomir says...



I think I reviewed this in the od post with this up. Like I said, this is great and the storyline is very original. I think it is a great idea and you are very lucky to have stumbled across it. Will you actually finish this one? lol, I hope so!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
  





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Mon Apr 28, 2008 10:20 pm
deleted6 says...



Hmm... oddly enough my opinion changed on this. You tell far too much rather than showing. It's a great chapter but you tell us all rather than showing. You also very fond of speech tags which you need to get rid of. We should actually be able to guess how they say something by the words or way it's written. You need to show us this. It's an intense scene but rather than feeling it I'm bored.

Overall: You'd have a great idea if you edit this and stop using speech tags. Learn to Show not tell. I really hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN
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