Young Writers Society

She gazes face-to-face with the Queen of Hearts,
A golden gazelle with a curled lion’s mane.
Her cheeks bud into bloom with a touch of light pink,
And those lips of sweet tulips, freshly dewed in the morn,
Burst into a gloss of red berries, a smile of cherry delight.

She rises from her stool, and falls giggling into a curtsy.
No more does a girl need, than her mirror and her brush.
In her mind, she is the center of attention at every party, every dance.
In her mirror, she checks herself over twice and thrice again,
Every second of every hour, making improvements all the while.

To reality, she returns, and takes a seat back in her place.
She arms up in a variety of accessories and jewels,
Smiling wide, “I truly am, doubtlessly, the most fairest of them all.
My voice enchants, my eyes are lures. I am a Goddess in and out.”
The angels above can do no more than wish her well,

As she leaves off with her date for the evening,
For though beauty is in all, there is no beauty in the vain.

--------

And that's all. I know it's not as deep as Lust was, but I had to do this quickly because I knew I wouldn't be on the computer for a while after this. So enjoy! Read, review, and rip. Gotta scram!

Eternally,
~*Sydney*~

Ps. I know that a gazelle is probably more so brown than it is "gold", but that's all I could come up with. ^_^ Next will be Wrath!

I like it a lot! The gazelle works well; there are lots of types of gazelles and some are golden.

right away, I like the allusion to the "Queen of Hearts".

To reality, she returns, and takes a seat back in her place.
She arms up in a variety of accessories and jewels,
Smiling wide, “I truly am, doubtlessly, the most fairest of them all.
My voice enchants, my eyes are lures. I am a Goddess in and out.”
The angels above can do no more than wish her well,

I'm not sure about the "To reality, she returns" because does she ever actually return to reality? It seems to me that she is still in a fantasy.

"I truly am, doubtlessly..." this is weird syntax. The last line is really good--"the angels...".

I haven't read Lust, but I do think that this lacked a certain depth. I still like it alot though, and I think your idea (poems about deadly sins) is great.

Smiling wide, “I truly am, doubtlessly, the most fairest of them all.

^ Agreeing completely with what you said about that line! You have no idea how many times I've tried to word that sentence. Anyways. Thanks for your critique! I'm glad you enjoyed it. ^_^

I don't know the first thing about poetry, but I liked this. I find the lines a very long, and perhaps you can seperate these out more, but I don't know! Just keep on writing and reading.

My favourite line:

'To reality, she returns, and takes a seat back in her place.'

Although I would remove the first comma however, so it flows a bit better.

You are a brilliant poet!

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Thanks a bunch, aedomir! ^_^ I'm thrilled that you enjoyed it and think that I am a "brilliant poet". I've been reading many of the other poems on here by many authors who I think are very talented, so I've been mimicking.

And you're right. The comma doesn't go there. Although, I'm sure I deleted twice already. Word is playing games with me again...

I'll have the next one soon!

Royally,
~*Lady Sydney*~

Yay!

Nah, you can't mimick poetry! Don't be so modest! You're great!

Yay, your back with the next instalment!*Does a happy dance* I should have told you to PM me, because I kept thinking i'd missed this one on the forums, but be kind, I'm new to this amazing site still.....anyway!

You'd most certainly did not dissapoint!

Firstly, I loved the pictures the begining of this poem made in my head, like a scene out of Wuthering Heights, or Pride and Prejudice, etc. The descriptive language was simply perfect for the image you were trying (and succeeding) to convey here.

Also, you did a great job of structuring (sp?) the poem so that the thoughts built up into a magnificent finale, which stuck in my mind for ever

For though beauty is in all, there is no beauty in the vain

(FYI I'm not totally sure If I've got the whole inserting quotes bit just yet so be kind)

Bravo!
Pleaseee PM me when you write some more. And please, don't be modest! I think you're also a brilliant poet!

Eimearxx

*blushes* Aww. Thanks so much! ^_^ I'm glad you love it so much. And don't worry about the whole inserting quotes thing, you're new so it's cool. You'll get it eventually. And I will be more than happy to inform you when I post Wrath.

Thanks a bunch for your input! And I will try not to be so modest from now on. =)

Royally,
~*Lady Sydney*~