Trapped Chapter 1

There was a very peaceful town, the hills were covered with yellow, purple, blue, and red flowers that were always blooming. If someone was low on money, others would lend them a hand and did not ask for them to pay them back. The town was happy, it was called Belen. A young girl walked up to the dirty clothes line. She gathered up a majority of the clothes and put them in a basket.

"Susan!” she called to a girl who was looking out the window at her, “Do you want me to take your clothes and wash them?" She asked kindly with a bright smile.

"Sure, Beth! Thanks!" Susan replied. Beth grabbed the rest of the clothes and, struggling with the massive pile of clothes that nearly overflowed the basket, headed toward the river. When she got there she set the basket filled with clothes on top of some purple flowers and pulled a dress out. She put the dress in the water and started scrubbing it. She pulled a bar of soap out of her pocket and used it on the dress.

‘This should remove that berry stain’! She thought. When she finished with the dress, she put it in a different basket which was nailed to the ground. The people would put the clean clothes in the permanent basket until they were done, then put them back; this was to keep clean clothes separate from the dirty.

When she finished with the clothes, she put them in the other basket one by one. The last thing was Susan's dress, she picked it up and was about to put it in the other basket when she heard a sound. RRRIIIIIPPPPPP! She ripped Susan's best dress.

‘Damn it!!! Okay…I will put it on the drying clothes line…and leave it! Susan will never know I did it.’ She thought with a grim look on her face. She picked up the basket and walked back the direction to the town. Then she heard a scream. She began running and was caught by a city man! They were all over and they were taking all the town people away! They took the people to a prison in the city and left them until they finished making the town into a giant prison. Everybody who once lived in the town, were in the new prison.

Everyday, the town's people would be whipped and every time someone made a mistake, that person would be fed to the starving and rabid wolves. Almost every prisoner was cut, the bars on their cells had barb wire and they would wrestle for the little food they got and got thrown against the bars. They guards would hear the prisoners shouting fowl things to the people who were once their friends. The prison was made of steel and gray bricks. The wall had two layers to make sure no prisoner could get out. There were sharp, brown, vines crawling up the walls with sharp-edged leaves. All the prisoners had given up hope in escaping or even surviving, but one did not lose her hope: Elizabeth.

"Susan, wake up. The food is here." Beth said to her friend. They were friends and there was enough food for them to share.

"Wha- what is happening?" She was tired and confused.

"Food!"

"Oh!" She got up and they divided the food and ate. They wore uniforms. Their uniforms were brown short-sleeved shirts and white sweat pants. Beth's clothes were torn in several areas.

"Susan, do you think we will escape?"

"I don't know Beth, I don't know." They stopped talking when a guard walked by, he stopped at their cell and spit, and then he continued walking.

"He is so rude!"

"Beth, ignore him."

"But that is inconsiderate, rude, mean, and self-absorbed!" She shouted. The same guard walked by and stopped. Beth walked up to the bars and spit on his shoe.

"You little azz!"

"Ass? Do you mean-"

The man put his armored hand through the bars and grabbed her by the shirt. Suddenly his fist rammed into her, it threw her almost all the way across the room. She landed on the ground, when she looked up she saw Susan leaning over her making sure she was okay. Then she passed out.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrris! How art thou?

This story has an interesting premise, but some of the execution needs working on.

So, what have we got: A perky little town, a swarm of Evil Bad Guys, and two main girl characters who are brave--or crazy-- in the face of danger. Sounds good.

But along with this story, you have some elements that have been mixed in oddly: The swear when the dress was ripped, your odd combination of explaining the entire clothing-washing process and then the flash to the future, where everything is stormier. It just feels kind of poke-y to the reader. Think -- out of the frying pan, into the freezer. Sudden change of climate or topic.

Onto the actual text: You need to pull this out and tug it to cover the entire pan, and even it out. The afore-mentioned clothing-cleaning paragraph, and the first paragraph.

Actually, I think that you should just start the story in a prison scene and have the characters lament for 'the village we once were', 'what have we become', 'you've destroyed us', and such like that. It adds drama, and it makes me, as the reader, pity the MC. It also adds mystery, and you could have mini flashbacks to when they first came. Drama and mystery are your friends.

There was a very peaceful town, the hills were covered with yellow, purple, blue, and red flowers that were always blooming. If someone was low on money, others would lend them a hand and did not ask for them to pay them back. The town was happy, it was called Belen. A young girl walked up to the dirty clothes line. She gathered up a majority of the clothes and put them in a basket.

Most of this paragraph is totally unnecessary to the story, and it's infodump. What do the flowers have to contribute to the story? Or about the money? Sure, it succeeds in telling me that this is a happy place, but it's always better to show than to tell. With writing, you have to dole out information on a strictly need-to-know basis: the curiousity for what has not been revealed is what draws the reader in, see?

On the spacing: Always a good idea to space paragraphs based on subject. So, it would be more like:

The town was happy, it was called Belen.

A young girl walked up to the dirty clothes line. She gathered up a majority of the clothes and put them in a basket.

How young a girl? Based on her attitude, I really have no idea who this character is.

"Susan!” she called to a girl who was looking out the window at her, “Do you want me to take your clothes and wash them?" She asked kindly with a bright smile.

Never capitalize dialogue tags. "looking out the window at her"...eh? Where is this place? Where is she? Near a house? Is Susan her sister? The wording seems a little odd, I suggest you tinker with that a bit.
"she asked kindly with a bright smile". Hmm. Also awkward -- I think "she asked, smiling" would do the trick.

"Sure, Beth! Thanks!" Susan replied. Beth grabbed the rest of the clothes and, struggling with the massive pile of clothes that nearly overflowed the basket, headed toward the river. When she got there she set the basket filled with clothes on top of some purple flowers and pulled a dress out. She put the dress in the water and started scrubbing it. She pulled a bar of soap out of her pocket and used it on the dress.

You don't need to describe it step-by-step, we get the point at simply "washing". ^_~ Moderation: say that the water feels cold today, or that she needs more soap, or how did she use the soap?

I think that the dialogue in this paragraph is a little goofy. It just sounds presumptuous, but I have no idea if this is a regular occurrence in Belen or not. I know nothing of it, other than it's picturesque and two of the little girls who live there. So, something like, "Oh, would you? Thanks! I'll do the dishes later" would seem more appropriate.

‘This should remove that berry stain’! She thought. When she finished with the dress, she put it in a different basket which was nailed to the ground. The people would put the clean clothes in the permanent basket until they were done, then put them back; this was to keep clean clothes separate from the dirty.

I think you should gut this entire paragraph. Again, it's unnecessary information. And while laundry baskets probably won't keep a reader riveted to their chairs, we don't need explanations to the obvious. ^_~

‘Damn it!!! Okay…I will put it on the drying clothes line…and leave it! Susan will never know I did it.’ She thought with a grim look on her face. She picked up the basket and walked back the direction to the town. Then she heard a scream. She began running and was caught by a city man! They were all over and they were taking all the town people away! They took the people to a prison in the city and left them until they finished making the town into a giant prison. Everybody who once lived in the town, were in the new prison.

'Damn it'? That made me laugh. Frying pan! Freezer! What's this cutesy little girl swearing for? She should just go ask for forgiveness: that action suits Belen, doesn't it? If you're going to ask to do more laundry, I mean. XD (Laundry = not fun)

"She began running and was caught by a city man". Wha? How does she know he's a city man? Why does the city-man try to catch her? Surely something like this would need a warrant or the leader of the city-men would have to contact the village leader before this.

We're back to the issue of lumpy pie crust: it's uneven. You need to re-write it, or at least bits, that are all or mostly telling. Show me the terror in the villager's faces! The fearlessness of the city men! Are any buildings burned? People shot? This is the time where details need to shine through. Terror is built through detail and how it is presented. You wouldn't think a little boy asking, "are you my mummy?" would be scary, but it is. Very scary, in fact.

On a grammatical note, exclamation points don't work in narrative unless it's first person. It looks cheesy any other way, haha.

Everyday, the town's people would be whipped and every time someone made a mistake, that person would be fed to the starving and rabid wolves.

Again, EH? Made a mistake with what? Do they work? And wolves? Where did that come from?

On a somewhat vulgar-sounding note, when you use swearing in writing, it has to be incorporated in neatly and sparingly: The two places where you use "damn" and "ass" sound contrived and shoved in for the sake of it.

Besides, since Beth is female, wouldn't "bitch" be substituted for "ass"? Sounds more abusing guard-y.

As an overall:

-- Show and don't tell!
-- Don't be afraid to keep back information. Drama and mystery are excellent things in writing.
-- Dialogue tags are not capitalized. xD
-- Would you say your dialogue aloud and not believe it was weird? Always something to ask yourself.
-- An even spread of information, when you must give it: Stuff like where a character is is hard to skimp on, or else the whole scene could fall apart. So be careful!

My time's up, so I have to cut this short.

Cheers!
~Sumi

"Sure, Beth! Thanks!" Susan replied. Beth grabbed the rest of the clothes and, struggling with the massive pile of clothes that nearly overflowed the basket, headed toward the river.

You need to add more words to make it flow better. It was complex to read. You could say something like this Beth struggled with the massive pile that nearly overflowed the bag then headed for the river.

I think you should go back and reread some of it. It was kind of hard to understand due to some minor errors. For example, you had they when it should have been the. And, you should say something like this, The walls were made out of gray steal bars to prevent the poisoners from escaping.

I hope that helped.

[quote="FireArris"]There was a very peaceful town, the hills were covered with yellow, purple, blue, and red flowers that were always blooming. If someone was low on money, others would lend them a hand and did not ask for them to pay them back. The town was happy, it was called Belen. A young girl walked up to the dirty clothes line. She gathered up a majority of the clothes and put them in a basket.

"Susan!” she called to a girl who was looking out the window at her, “Do you want me to take your clothes and wash them?" She asked kindly with a bright smile.

[q] there is no capital for the "she" after the dialogue.

"Sure, Beth! Thanks!" Susan replied. Beth grabbed the rest of the clothes and, struggling with the massive pile of clothes that nearly overflowed the basket, headed toward the river. When she got there she set the basket filled with clothes on top of some purple flowers and pulled a dress out. She put the dress in the water and started scrubbing it. She pulled a bar of soap out of her pocket and used it on the dress.

[q] "used" it into the dress doesn't make any sense at all.

‘This should remove that berry stain’! She thought. When she finished with the dress, she put it in a different basket which was nailed to the ground. The people would put the clean clothes in the permanent basket until they were done, then put them back; this was to keep clean clothes separate from the dirty.

you forgot the hyphens were doubled and not single

When she finished with the clothes, she put them in the other basket one by one. The last thing was Susan's dress, she picked it up and was about to put it in the other basket when she heard a sound. RRRIIIIIPPPPPP! She ripped Susan's best dress.
[q] start a new sentence when you susan heard the "RRRIIIIPPPPPP!"

‘Damn it!!! Okay…I will put it on the drying clothes line…and leave it! Susan will never know I did it.’ She thought with a grim look on her face. She picked up the basket and walked back the direction to the town. Then she heard a scream. She began running and was caught by a city man! They were all over and they were taking all the town people away! They took the people to a prison in the city and left them until they finished making the town into a giant prison. Everybody who once lived in the town, were in the new prison.

[q] when she heard the scream
you should have started a new sentence there too

Everyday, the town's people would be whipped and every time someone made a mistake, that person would be fed to the starving and rabid wolves. Almost every prisoner was cut, the bars on their cells had barb wire and they would wrestle for the little food they got and got thrown against the bars. They guards would hear the prisoners shouting fowl things to the people who were once their friends. The prison was made of steel and gray bricks. The wall had two layers to make sure no prisoner could get out. There were sharp, brown, vines crawling up the walls with sharp-edged leaves. All the prisoners had given up hope in escaping or even surviving, but one did not lose her hope: Elizabeth.

[q]semi-colons!

"Susan, wake up. The food is here." Beth said to her friend. They were friends and there was enough food for them to share.

"Wha- what is happening?" She was tired and confused.

"Food!"

"Oh!" She got up and they divided the food and ate. They wore uniforms. Their uniforms were brown short-sleeved shirts and white sweat pants. Beth's clothes were torn in several areas.

"Susan, do you think we will escape?"

"I don't know Beth, I don't know." They stopped talking when a guard walked by, he stopped at their cell and spit, and then he continued walking.

"He is so rude!"

"Beth, ignore him."

"But that is inconsiderate, rude, mean, and self-absorbed!" She shouted. The same guard walked by and stopped. Beth walked up to the bars and spit on his shoe.

"You little azz!"

"Ass? Do you mean-"

The man put his armored hand through the bars and grabbed her by the shirt. Suddenly his fist rammed into her, it threw her almost all the way across the room. She landed on the ground, when she looked up she saw Susan leaning over her making sure she was okay. Then she passed out.
Everything was good and I really like the spacing that you had there! Nice work and keep going!