Young Writers Society

Sorry, taking it down

Yea the french could use a little bit of editing “Je vous souhaite tout le meilleur de chance dans cette mission je vous ai assigné, Lona.”

I'm only in french 3, but ill do what i can. I think you're trying to say "i wish you all better luck in this mission i assigned you." thats awkward, try "je vous souhaite beaucoup de la chance dans cette mission." that means "i wish you alot of luck in this mission" its simpler, and im almost certain the grammer is correct.

“Partir maintenant, mon contact parlera avec vous bientôt.” Do you mean "leave now, my contact will speak with you soon"? try "Partez maintenant, mon contact parlera avec vous beintot" although parlera uses a form of future that i havent learned yet, so idk if thats right, but it should be partez because it's a command.

btw, online translation sites often mess up, so its a good idea 2 ask ppl who have studied the language for help, like you have done.

No online translation, just this French 3 student blubbling through it.

Thanks for the help xhalcyonx!



LP

lol yea french 3!

Yeah, I'm pretty much done though. We go back from a week in Jan...after christmas...and then no more French. ...But I'll always have YWS!

LP

that's not true. you have french club, ems.

anyways, this is very.....different and interesting all in the same go. oh, to tell you, i bring IT(the book i was talking about) today and that i am re-write my vampire story over, i have an even better idea for it. see when we get back.


oh, I got Magic Study from the library.

Yes, I do always have French Club, which is probably a bad thing that I forgot seeing as I am the co-president and all.

I really like magic study, and I got poison study back from my sister, so you can borrow it when ever.

Thanks for looking over it. I can't post chapter three yet, because I'm out of town, but I'll get on it as soon as I'm home and settled and ect.




Ems

Whoa! *double take*

That was weird! We went from rebellious teen mutant to a subservient mutant whose foster brother's best friend is a high ranking official in her cult. *stares blankly*

That was completely unexpected. You might want to somehow lead up to that in some way that doesn't make the reader freak out as much as I did. Seriously, it went straight from foster teen drama to something out of a vampire novel or something. It was really sudden and I had a hard time trying to catch up.

Perhaps you might want to have a chapter inbetween the first and this one, outlining her life in the new surroundings. Maybe drop some hints about her secret life: acting suspicious, worrying about things. Was her not wanting to think about someone being killed (in the first chapter) part of foreshadowing to this event? If so, you might want to expand on it and add a few more before you drop the bomb like that.

It was good, I was just a little confused when you changed her name to Lona, and how her personality completely changed after the challenge. I'm with Gryphon there, it sorta caught me out. Also, I thought it was a little unrealistic that she needed to be made a servant to speak with the Roi. Couldn't he have talked with her outside of a meeting?

I nodded yes.

You have to put a comma between "nodded" and "yes", it just looks awkward otherwise.

I walked back to my room, and shut the door.

Take the comma out, it's unnecessary.

It was freakin’ hot out side

Outside is one word.

I’d been wear the tee

You mean wearing.

Don’t ask me, why

Again, you don't need the comma here.

I shook my head no

Same thing as before.

I can tell one of them is Sabe so I walk slowly down the hall, making my pace for normal as I skip down the stairs. Sabe looks up at me as I hit the bottom step, he grinned.

You've changed from past to present tense and back again here, stick with one.

“Dude, I can’t believe you’re taking her to a concert, and not me!”

Again, don't put a comma before 'and'.

I nod my head yes

He’s wear a black coat

That should be "He was wearing a black coat."

New Orlands

Should be New Orleans.

all of which rang from the top

That should be ran.

like a sports bra with off the shoulder sleeves.

I'm guessing that should be without.

I pulled on healed black boots, which come up to my knee caps.

Again, no need for the comma, and healed should be heeled.

we pull into an old Victorian style house, that has long since been abandoned.

Take out the comma.

The Lab had created some many series, there aren’t many who are from the same series.

I'm not sure how this is meant to read.

–We lesser or Moins bowed

Don't start a sentence with a dash.

–Maybe that was good thing.

I challenge third wings

Should be wing's.

“Come forth third wings second and challenger!”

Same thing here.

–I knew her, of course

I hat hit her Jab.

I had hit her Jab.

I dove my own and scooped it up.

That should be: I dove for my own and scooped it up.

I held both Jabs in my hand, but Maggie some how manage to put me back on defense.

I had both Jabs in my hands, but Maggie somehow managed to put me back on defense.

–I absently wondered which of the Lords, or Ladies would make me their servant.

The guards who apparently behind me, hit me

I'm not sure how the first part's meant to read, but you don't need a comma there.

I wrapped the chain that bound my hands, around his neck and began to pull.

“Yeah, didn’t think so.” he said sinking to the floor

Take out the 'said'.

The Lords and Ladies where standing now

Should be 'were' instead of 'where'.

I have to go and serve some sob.

Should be snob.

–And you expect me to take it well?

My Rio snarled.

Should be Roi.

I fell to my Knees again

Knees doesn't need a capital.

Rio nodded

“A contact, close to you will keep you informed on my wants.” Rio said.

You don't need the comma here.

the thought of spending time with the enemy made me shutter

Shudder, not shutter.

my gut coil into a small ball, that made me want to throw up.

It should be coiled, and you don't need the comma.

The fact that my Rio was fluent in French

It's good though.

Nope, not outside the meeting. The reason they changed their names is so that no one knows who they know outside the order, which makes Sabe and Cyan very...different, but you'll understand why in later chapters.

Thanks for pointing everything out to me.
Let me know if you have any more questions.

LP

Sorry, taking it down