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Young Writers Society


Don't leave the cabin...



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16 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 16
Thu Nov 29, 2007 9:18 pm
Catriona says...



The eight high school honor students sat in the van on their way to a weekend ski trip their school ‘group’ won for raising the most money at a fundraiser. Jason, as the oldest on the trip, drove. Why do I have to be the only senior on this trip? It’s not like I volunteered to babysit these kids! Too bad Matt’s grades went down the tube right before this.

Zane sat in the front passenger seat head banging to his iPod, his stringy brown hair swished to the music.

Alyssa, Tory and Bella sat in the middle row seats. Alyssa hummed softly as she played with her long, blonde hair. Bella and Tory sat sideways in the seats leaning back-to-back, like they always did on trips.

Tory sat staring out the window into the flurries of snow, tapping away on her laptop. The boys like to tease that she was gothic; she mostly wore black, was much into writing, and enjoyed her own company more that anyone else’s.

Bella sat filing her long, neatly kept fingernails. The metronome like scratch of the nail file was making Blake, Evan and Trent regret agreeing to sit in the very back.

They swore it was louder where they were sitting. “Why didn’t I get my license? I could’ve driven here and I wouldn’t be tortured by that agonizing noise.” Blake complained as he fumbled with the back seat heating controls.

“And too bad it took Trent forever to get his permit, or he’d have his license by now.” Evan teased, smacking his gum.

Trent just sat there silently, staring at the back of Tory’s head. Her hair looks auburn in this amount of light… gosh it’s beautiful…

She ran her slender fingers through her hair at that moment, and turned back to face him. She opened her mouth to speak.

Oh crap, is she going to talk to me? His stomach somersaulted.
Her attention went to Evan, “Hey Evan, could I have some gum?” she licked her lips.

Evan quickly looked up, the color draining from his face, “Uh, sorry Tory. This was the last piece.” He pointed to his mouth, without opening it.

“Aw dude, you suck!” she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes for effect.
Although he knew she was just kidding, her words cut to the quick.

His mind rushed to find something else to say, “Do you like spearmint?”

“Oh gross, I hate that kind!” she scrunched up her face.

“Good, because that was the only kind I had.” Evan sighed.

“That’s ok… hey Trent, do you have any gum?” she quickly coated her dry lips with her vanilla chap stick.

Her voice startled him, “Yeah, you want some?” his voice almost cracked.

“That’s why she’s asking if you have any!” Alyssa laughed; she continued braiding her hair, then undoing it with her slender fingers.

“Oh, sure,” he pulled out a piece, “it’s winter mint, is that okay?”

“That’s my favorite! Thanks dude, you rock!” she popped the gum into her mouth and flashed them a smile. Instantaneously, the color drained from Trent’s face.

Blake’s stomach flopped, quit that! She’s just a friend, nothing more. I only feel weird around her because… because… I love her…

Evan smirked, she totally likes me, she so does… but why do I have to like her back? Maybe it’s her eyes…

“Oh my goodness, I’m so excited! Skiing is going to be so much fun! Have any of you guys ever gone skiing? I still can’t believe that we made enough money at the fundraiser to win this trip…” Bella went on and on as she filed her fingernails. Tory regretted ever giving her any of her triple-shot mocha; she quickly downed the rest and tossed the still warm cup out of the van window.

“Shut up Bella, you’re infuriating all of humanity!” Zane erupted, as he cranked the volume on his iPod.

Bella just sat there stunned, tears welling up in her eyes. Tory had had enough of this, “Hey midget-ass,” she leaned over the seat and ripped the ear buds from his ears. “Spell infuriating.”

He turned to face her, his eyebrows raised, “What the…”

She got an inch from his nose; so close he could feel her warm breath, “Watch it, punk. You do not want to mess with me, so don’t go around making any of my friends upset.” She handed the ear buds back to him, and sat back down.

The honor students’ trip to the cabin continued in utter silence, except for the occasional popping of Evan’s gum. No… it’s the fire in her… the fact that she’s not afraid of anything... and her smile is so radiant…



“Whoa, that’s hot!” Blake whooped as they pulled up to the small three-room cabin. Jason shut off the engine and hopped out of the van, fished the keys out of his jeans pocket, and shoved the rusty one into the doorknob. “Well, here it is.”

Trent wandered into the cabin, nearly tripping over the step, “What gives? There’s only one separate bedroom?”

Jason walked in, a puzzled look swept over his face. “Crap! They gave us the wrong one!”

“Guess we’ll just have to share…” Trent snickered, but Tory heard him. “Buzz off you idiot, I’d rather sleep on the roof!” she threw a punch at him, he dodged it and chuckled. Dang she’s hot when she gets mad…

“It’s probably too late to go back down to complain. How about Trent and I sleep in the van, the girls get the side room and you, Zane and Evan get the living room floor, and we all can go down in the morning to straighten things out.” Blake suggested to Jason, trying to change the subject.
Jason nodded, “Good idea, you two sure you don’t mind doing that?”

Trent crossed his arms, shit...

“Seriously, it’s fine. I don’t think it’ll get too cold, anyway.” Blake shot a glare at Trent, you’re not getting anywhere near her…



“Really, Blake, this is so unnecessary! All of us guys could’ve laid out our sleeping bags on the living room floor, we would’ve fit…” Trent pulled off his t-shirt and smelled it, he cussed under his breath.

Blake finished locking the van doors and looked Trent in the eyes, “It’s not that, Trent. You’re just… well; I think you’re being way too forward around Tory. I think it’s…” he was trying to be nice, but it was beginning to get hard.

“I think it’s because you like her and don’t want me around her!” Trent pounded his fist against the glass window.

“No, it’s because I respect her and don’t appreciate the way you’re acting around her.” His tone was harsh, he clenched his teeth.

“You’re gay. You know that? You’re…” something outside made a clicking sound. He stopped and held up his hand, eyes wide.

“What? Is mister tough guy scared to sleep in the van?” Blake said in a babyish tone.

“Shut up! I thought I heard something!” He heard it click again, and then a twig snapped.

Blake laughed, “Dude! Are you like going all ‘oh, I love Tory so I’m going to impress her by pretending to be sensitive and…’”

Something bumped against the van. Once side, then the other; again… again… again…

“Something’s circling the van…” Trent whispered as goose bumps rose on his arms.

“Whatever, I bet it’s just Jason or a couple of the girls trying to scare us…” Blake lay down in the back seat, hoping Trent would shut up soon so he could get some sleep.

“How far away is the cabin?” Trent’s voice was shaking now.
“Maybe two-hundred feet, why do you…"

There small flashlight flickered; the batteries were dying. Blake sighed, “Check in the glove box for batteries.”

Trent pulled the handle; it was locked. “Sorry, no can do.”

Blake reached for the van door, “Ok, let’s go ask Jason for the key. We might need this light if…”

The light flickered began to flicker again; trying to live just a moment longer. It failed and went out, leaving the van pitch black.

Blake groaned, “Dammit... ok, let’s just go in. Maybe there’s…”

Just then there was a loud thud on the roof, then a scraping sound.




Bella sat on the small bed crying, “Why did Zane have to yell at me?”

“That’s just his personality; he’s only fifteen, he’ll grow up soon enough. By the way… did you see how Trent was acting all scared of Tory, then drooling all over her a few hours later?” Alyssa poked Tory in the ribs.

“Yeah, I think he really likes you, Tory!” Bella said playfully, but with a tad bit of sympathy.

“Gross. I wish he would give it up, I so don’t like him.” Tory complained; guys were all over her all too much.

“And did you see how pale Evan was when you asked him for gum? And how Blake…” Alyssa couldn’t quit.

“Quit making stuff up, that’s so not true!” Tory slammed her laptop shut and glared at Alyssa.

“Sure…” Bella couldn’t resist saying.

Something crashed outside, “What…what was that?”

“Probably a couple of raccoons or something…” Tory snickered.

“It sounded more like… the van door being ripped off or something.” Alyssa walked toward the window, but left the curtain closed. There was more banging and then a shattering noise. “What the heck are those guys doing out there?”

They heard Blake scream. Yes, it was definitely Blake, Trent’s voice wasn't that deep yet. It was long and harsh sounding, and then drained out. Trent yelled and began to cuss horribly.

Tory snickered, “That last one was definitely Trent…”

Alyssa turned to face them, her face was turning pale. “It… it sounds like something’s… killing them or something.”

They all jumped when they heard the cabin door open, and snickered when Jason said, ‘what are those idiots up to?’

“He’ll take care of whatever their problem is.” Bella and Tory chimed, laughing a bit. But Alyssa continued to stare at the closed brown curtain.

From outside, they heard Jason curse loudly. “What the…”

The next few moments rushed as they sat in the room, scared to move. Jason screamed again, “Zane! Evan! Get my rifle! It’s in the closet! Hurry, I need it now!”

Tory walked to their room door and opened it, but Evan was right there guarding it. His face was pale and his eyes bloodshot, but he wouldn’t let her through. “Jason said that you guys need to stay in there.” His voice shook as he pointed back into the bedroom.

She stared deep into his eyes, “Evan, what’s going on? Please, tell me…”
Something screamed, and Evan pushed her back into the room and shut himself inside with her. He squeezed his eyes shut and whispered something.

“Evan. What is going on?” Tory commanded, pulling him upright by his shoulders. He just looked up and shook his head.

Several silent minutes went by, they were followed by the cabin door squeaking open and the sound of Zane and Jason’s voices. It sounded like they were dragging something.

Jason yanked the bedroom door open, “Tory! Even! I need you two out here, now!”

Tory jumped from the bed, but she was stopped by Evan gripping her arm. She stopped and looked at him, “Yeah?”

He opened his mouth, then pursed his lips and with a forced smile said, “I’m sorry.”

Confused, she walked from the room. Tory took one look at the sight in the living room, and turned right back around shutting the door behind her. She collapsed on the floor and vomited. Jason came back in, “Please, Tory, try. I need your help, he could die!”
  





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79 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1240
Reviews: 79
Sat Dec 01, 2007 5:33 am
Dr. Jamie Bondage says...



Okay, I'm sorry, but I can't finish this! There are way too many characters in like three seconds! I didn't see any gramatical errors, but introduce charcters slowly! Like, for instance,

"Jason scanned the bus. The eight high school honor students had raised money to go on a ski trip." Then from there BRIEFLY describe them. Not in detail! And I don't really want all the details about how they look or who is doing what! I mean, I can't keep up with three guys thinking three different things about the same girl at the same time! It's just confusing! Lol. THis is a good start. Go back and give more detail. What color is the bus? What is Jason feeling? Why is he in charge? Then next? Why do they all like this girl? Why is she so captivating? Who does she like? Is the bus bouncy? Or is it smooth? Are they going to have to take a plane? Or do they live close to the mountains? Is it snowing? What's outside the window? What scenery is passing them by? Try doing it from one perspective at a time! Not three! So...you give THOUGHTS on what so and so thinks, then move on to develope the other characters.

Don't take this too harshly. I'm just trying to help. XD Hope this does help! DR
"This kind of love is not a product of reasonings and statics--it just comes-none knows whence-and can't explain itself. And doesn't need to." Mark Twain
  





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126 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 126
Sat Dec 01, 2007 1:14 pm
Blue Fairy says...



im confused.
that amount of characters packed in too that much writing has lost me. maybe you could make the starting longer and spend a paragraph on each two people or something. on the other hand the conversation between the characters is good, hope to read more soon.
  





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516 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 516
Tue Dec 04, 2007 5:44 am
chocoholic says...



I found this story very quick. You kept moving about and there wasn't much description. In truth, I found it a bit annoying.

I also noticed that you switched the tense a bit. You need to give it a check before posting to get rid of simple mistakes.

It needs editing and a lot more work, but the storyline is good and I'd be interested in reading more.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*
  








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