Young Writers Society

This amazing crash of light,
barrelling from the darkness,
glittering in the childlike innocence
of those forgotten years.

The memory hurt
like the shattering of a bone.
Your sordid grin
leering at me in distasteful hate.

Shadows leaping up,
dancing past my addled mind.
The pretense of normalcy
rushing in to cover me again.

What were you but a dream?
A mirage of drowning victims
In the mire of hell.
What can I do but forget
and wait for the light again.

I liked the subject of your poem. Your first stanza was a good opener, your last stanza tied together your whole poem nicely, and your third stanza created a really nice mental image. I'd say work on the second stanza.

I like the first three lines of your second stanza. They delve straight into the poem, with a smooth rythme and strong emotions. The images painted and feelings evoked are good. I think your last line in the second stanza needs work. You've got a nice beat going with the poem up until this part and it's thrown off by excesive use of words. I'd say, cut down the line. Only keep the words that are necessary to get the point across, but don't take it apart so that it looses the meaning. For the last line, I have a suggestion. You can take it or leave it. Whatever works for you.

"Leering at me in distateful hate."

It isn't the best correction, but it shows that small things can help.

I hope this helps and nice work on your poem.

Thanks for taking the time to read the poem. ^^

I have altered the line, your suggestion being more than suitable. In the end I do think the alteration fits better. Thankyou.

You comment is so very much appreciated thus I thankyou for commenting.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Hmm.. Penny I like this in a way that I don't know why. I wouldn't say it was quirky, because it's not, but it just draws me to it without being too much hard work and too much for my tiny ginger brain to deal with.

The structure worked well with the flow - this is always a good sign that the rest of the poem with be lovely - and I think that you used a good enough rhyhtm to create the feeling of someone perhaps describing someone or something that they really hate. Maybe hate is too much of a strong word, possibly dislike?

I liked the idea although this is the little niggle; perhaps it's not not the most original idea in the world? Look over this, I might have it wrong and not understand the idea as a whole.

Good work Penny,
GingerLove

Yay something good to read! I really liked this! The flow of the poem was really good and it was very deep.

Shadows leaping up,
dancing past my addled mind.
The pretence of normalcy
rushing in to cover me again.

I loved this stanza, you used very vivid descriptions --one small spelling error: pretense. And I'm only picking on it because I cannot find anything remotely wrong with this xD Good job!

Thankyou both LizzyG and Audy for commenting. It is most appreciated.

I fixed that spelling error, thankyou grandly - I'm not a speller, in the least.

I am curious as to what you think the idea of the poem was? Lol. Merely because the meanings and basic ideas of poems are often subject to the individual and I would love to know if your idea fit mine. ^.^

Once again, I thank you most enthusiastically for taking the time to read, and comment on the poem. Very much appreciated.


*Hearts* Le Penguin.