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~Daddy~



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Mon Sep 24, 2007 10:36 pm
Sapphire Eyes says...



~Daddy~

Angela trudged slowly down the gravel road, her feet feeling heavy in her worn sneakers. Her head hung low, encouraging her black curls to surround her face. Before she knew it, it was happening again. The old, run down house loomed before her like a nightmare. She struggled against that familiar urge to run as fast as her legs could carry back down the road. One day she was sure she would, but this wasn’t that day. Slowly making her way up the rickety wooden steps, she strained for sounds of her father’s presence. Not hearing anything, she timidly stepped up to the broken screen door and pulled it open. Looking around, her big doe eyes scanned the interior of the old trailer house. Nothing but the usual sight stared back at her. Filthy laundry lay scattered on the old furniture, dirty dishes waiting to be washed stood in piles in and around the sink. The sun streamed in, illuminating the broken beer bottles on the floor.

Angela crept inside, still not sure whether to trust her instincts. She jumped in surprise, letting out a terrified squeak at the sound of a broken glass shard crunching beneath her feet. Her pounding heart soon quieted as she made her way to her room at the back of the house. Quickly tossing her backpack down on the unmade bed, she ran to her closet, reaching into the back and pulling out a short, silky blue halter dress. She changed out of her old school clothes and powdered her white face, making it look even paler than usual. Her lips were reddened with her dead mama’s bright red lipstick and her eyes darkened with the eyeliner she’d stolen yesterday. She looked at herself in the cracked mirror and smiled. She looked just like she usually did: at least nineteen. They would be pleased to see her. Her eyes wandered to the dusty picture on the broken vanity. Her mother’s kind eyes stared back. She wouldn’t be she wouldn’t be so me now, thought Angela, tears creeping up behind her eyes. Angry, she looked away, and after grabbing the seven-inch platform heels she made a dash for the back door. She ran, not stopping to catch her breath until she reached the deserted parking lot. Others were already waiting for her. Business was conducted in an old building a few yards from where the other women sat. She stopped running, her breath coming in desperate pants. After pulling on the black heels, she made her way next to Hannah, one of the usuals. She wasn’t used so often anymore, but she came everyday anyway, her eyes lighting up every time the pimp called her name. She glanced at Angela, her eyes squinting from the glare of the late afternoon sun. When she spoke, her voice sounded deep and raspy from smoking.

“Why so late today?”

“I had to serve an hour of detention after school.” Angela’s voice was cautious. None of the other girls here knew she was only sixteen, just Hannah.

“Then why aren’t you still there?”

“I persuaded the principle to let me go earlier.”

Hannah nodded, her eyes blankly staring ahead. There was no need to ask how she’s done it. This girl had talent, and everyone knew it. She was so young, but still experienced, just how the men liked their girl to be. She was cold when she managed, her beauty was intoxicating and deadly, encouraging them to come again. She was the money, that’s why the pimp liked her so much.

“You been takin’ those pills I gave you?”

Angela looked at her in irritated surprise. “Would I risk being here if I hadn’t.”

“Guess not.” She chuckled, her laugh deep. “You’re not that dumb.”

The younger girl didn’t join in, her voice ice. “I may stink in school, but I’m an expert at what I do here.” As if to confirm her words, the pimp yelled her name. Angel. It was what he always called her. He nodded his head towards the broken down shack, indicating she had a buyer.

Hannah snorted, not looking at Angela, afraid she would die from the jealousy welling inside her. “Not five minutes here and already someone wants her.”

Angela walked up the pimp, already knowing what he wanted. His name was Johnny. He was lean even though he lived comfortably off eighty percent of the money his girls provided for him. His black suit enhanced his dark appearance, which had scared her at first, but not anymore. She hated him, but he knew that already. His hand cupped her cheek, forcing her to look into his eyes, reminding her she’d get a whipping if she didn’t give the men exactly what they wanted. Her eyes blazed, her head snapping away in defiance.

He laughed mockingly. “That’s my Angel. Go and do the only thing you’re good at.”

Angela glared at him, lifting her chin and walking slowly towards the dark, one room shack. Not long after reclining on the old couch, her customer walked inside. He was young and appeared unsure of himself. She knew the type. He wouldn’t take long. Putting on her well-trained smile, she patiently waited for him to come closer.

“Don’t be scared,” she purred softly. “I already know what you want, but if you don’t come closer, I won’t be able to give it to you.” She pulled at the bow behind her neck, revealing her milky breasts pressed up against a black lace bra. Slowly, she lowered the dress, kicking it off the couch when she was finished. She could hear his soft intake of breath as she stood up and walked towards him. This one obviously needed encouragement.

She brushed his lips softly against hers, which took a great deal of effort because even with her heals; she was still a few inches shorter than him. Her kisses intensified as he began to respond. She pressed herself closer and, with his help, removed the white t-shirt he was wearing. Quelling her disgust, she let his hands roam where they pleased. Before she knew it, she was sprawled out under him on the couch. A single tear made it’s way down her powdered cheek. She was glad for the darkness of the room but for a few streams of light coming from the holes in the ceiling. He couldn’t see her misery. She winced softly, but the sound of pain was lost in the air of his screams and groans when he plunged into her one last time.

Angela forced herself to smile at him as he left. When he glanced at her, she saw the guilt in his eyes. No doubt this had been his first time in a place like this. He wouldn’t be back. She moved to dress herself but stopped at the sound of Johnny’s voice.

“Stay in there, Angel. Someone else is here to see you.”

Something inside her crumbled. Her eyelids drooped in exhaustion, but she dressed anyway. He stepped inside. Her skin immediately tingled in fear. What was her father doing in a place like this? She wanted to throw up and leave this place forever but didn’t dare. If she exposed herself now, he would kill her. She could still feel the lashes on her back from the last time.

His voice slurred from too many drinks at the local bar. “They…they say yer the best here. Prove ‘em right. Show me what yah have to offer.”

Before she had a chance to respond, he fell on her, nearly crushing her petite form with his heavy weight. Trembling, she made up her mind to use what she had to her advantage. She moaned softy, encouraging him as she let her hands travel up and down his body. Her clothes were off of her body within seconds of his arrival to accommodate the kisses he sent down her exposed body. Her gut twisted at the smell of alcohol on his lips. Her legs clutched his body to hers in a pretended fit of passion. Life briefly left her body as he invaded her, drawing blood as he clawed desperately at her neck. She fought the urge to kick him away from her as she bit her lips in agony. His moans filled the small room. She felt so dirty. She hated herself only a little less than she hated him. When he left she quickly dressed, snatching the money Johnny handed her and running home so she could make it before her father.

Angela walked up the creaking steps, once again opening the screen door. Like before, a sigh of relief escaped her lips when she noticed her father was nowhere to be seen. Running to her room, she grabbed a tissue, rubbing the makeup from her face. Heavy footsteps sounded throughout the old house, shaking her to the very core of her being. Not having time to pull pajamas over her bra and panties, she slipped quickly into bed. Her father’s footsteps came closer, no matter how hard she wished them away. A bottle shattered against her locked door.

“Open up.”

Angela’s voice shook. “No. Not tonight. I’m tired.”

“I don’t care. Open up.” His voice rose to a dangerous new level.

A sob choked her throat. “Go away.” She got out of bed and huddled in the grimy corner next to the broken window just like she had almost every night since she was eight. Something slammed against the flimsy wooden door. A few more hits and the door gave in, no longer protecting her against her father’s resolve to take her yet again. He stumbled slowing towards her. A moment passed before taking in the sight of her crumbled body on the floor. She held back a cry of pain as he yanked her onto the bed, keeping her expression carefully blank as he clumsily removed the last remnants of her clothing. She closed her eyes, willing it all to be over, quivering in distaste when he pressed his lips to the curve of her breasts.

His hands traveled to her smooth inner thigh, pleased when he detected her quick intake of breath. Oblivious to the terror in his daughter’s black eyes, he knelt above her. As always, he marveled at the white perfection of her body, the moonlight streamed inside the open window, making her dark waves shine. He smiled drunkenly, then lay beside her, letting his hands travel roughly up and down her body. The sound of her frightened sob only heightened his excitement.

“Don’t be scared,” he whispered.

Angela whimpered softly as he lowered his body once again on hers. Her breath came in desperate pants as he nearly crushed her upper body with his dead weight. She tried to push him away but couldn’t. That familiar sense of panic filled mind, making it impossible to think of anything else. Every night was the same. She felt so tired. Her vision blurred as a blank numbness settled over her body. Nothing would ever change. Her father’s breathing increased dramatically as he pressed harder against her body. She closed her eyes, wishing for death’s mercy.


She remembered the first time he’d come into her room. It was after her mother died. She was playing with the set of rag dolls she’d received last Christmas, oblivious to her father’s quite entrance or the lust in his eyes. When she at last saw him, she smiled.

“Play with me, Daddy.”

He crouched down next to her. “I have a better idea.”

“What?”

“Daddy’s going to play another fun game with you, but it’s a secret. You can’t tell anyone.”

“A secret?” She was elated to share something with someone usually so distant towards her. “What kind?”

“A game just for you and me.”

“How do you play?”

“First you have to take off your clothes.”

At eight years old, Angela remembered feeling somewhat disgusted. “No. Mama said I shouldn’t do that.”

“Mama’s not here.” He took a menacing step towards her. “Do as I say.”

Fear gripped little Angela’s heart as she made a daring dash under the bed. “No. Go away.”

“Don’t you sass me.” He knelt beside the bed. “Get out from under that bed.” His voice softened, persuasively. “There’s nothing to be scared of, baby.” When she continued to refuse him, he started to grab at her. He laughed as his hands found and arm. Grasping it, he dragged her out from under the old bedstead and yanked her onto the bed.

By now Angela’s eyes were full of tears and her body shaking with terrified sobs. She shrieked as he began to tear of her clothes and cover her little body with his.

“Daddy, stop. Why are you being so mean to me?” He didn’t respond. She tried again, the lump in her throat making it hard to talk.

“I’m sorry for being bad at lunch. I’ll never talk back a-” She screamed as a horrible pain invaded her body, then briefly blacked out. When she awoke, her father’s eyes had taken on a glazed appearance. Why was he behaving this way? His moans were horrible. The pain she felt was increasing. Just when she thought it would never end, he stopped.

“I hoped you liked our game, baby. It’s something I’m going to play with you a lot.”

He left, leaving her in the darkness. Why did she feel so strange? Wordlessly, she got off the bed, and scared by the trail of blood she was leaving, huddled under the bed, crying herself to sleep.

That was the first time. This would be her last. Her father’s form soon stilled. She pushed him away, walking slowly from the room, trying to ignore the dull pain between her legs. Avoiding the broken glass on the floor, she went to her father’s room and pulled up one of the loose floorboards. The moonlight glinted off the silver pistol. She smiled, feeling drunk in the pleasure she felt emanating from the cold hardness of the trigger. She scribbled down a few words on a sheet of paper and left. Walking out the back door and into the woods, she lay down amongst the dirt and dry leaves. A thorn pricked her tender skin, the blood stark against her paleness.

Angela pressed the front of the pistol to the pounding pulse in her neck. It felt so right there. She didn’t know why she hadn’t tried it earlier.

She focused her eyes on the few stars blinking softly against the back velvety sky. “I’m coming, Mama.” She pulled the trigger, feeling ecstasy scream from every limb in her body. Relief overtook her body before everything went black.
***

Sheriff Rockwell knocked his fist against the screen door the next morning. In his arms, he held the body of a girl around sixteen or seventeen years old. The top of her naked body was partially covered in dry blood, an ugly wound painfully noticeable near the top part of her neck. The slight smile she wore scared him. A man opened the door, his eyes red from lack of sleep and his appearance disheveled. His eyes widened at the site of the young girl.

“This your daughter?”

The other man cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable. “What makes you think it is?”

“She was found just over there. Made some inquiries already. Neighbors say she lives here.” He held up a pistol. “This yours?”

“Well I ain’t the one who shot her.”

“So you admit she’s your daughter?”

“She is,” he said hesitantly, “but I didn’t have no part in killin’ her.”

“Mind if I have a have a look around?”

“What fer?”

“To see if I can find anything.”

“You got a warrant?” He grunted as the sheriff handed him a piece of paper, making a big show of looking it over even though he couldn’t read. “All right then. Common in, see’in as I ain’t got no choice.”

The sheriff stepped inside, trying not to show his revulsion at the state of the house. Walking farther inside, he poked his head into one of the bedrooms. A piece of paper caught his eye. Laying Angela’s limp body down on the unmade bed, he picked it up.

I’m sorry, Daddy, but I just can’t take it anymore. I used to think you loved me, but not anymore. I don’t see why you had to ruin my life this way. You can’t hurt me anymore. I’m with Mama now.

It took a moment for him too collect his breath. A suicide. He hadn’t killed her; he’d done something so much worse.

“I think you should see this.” But Angela’s father barely heard him. He was busy looking at the traces of lipstick and eyeliner on his daughter’s face. Five identical marks of passion on the opposite side of the bullet wound marred her neck.

“Angel,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
  





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Tue Sep 25, 2007 4:16 am
Sam says...



Hey, Sapphire Eyes!

I can't tell you how utterly thrilled I was to see someone who took a boatload of risks, both stylistically and content-wise. I didn't actually leap for joy- space is limited- but you can be assured I w00ted. ^_~

Most of the issues I could detect deal with some things that are hard to explain, so I'm going to need your permission to ramble- oh, permission granted? Grand! I've had a heck of a time- and I know others who have had a heck of a time- trying to deal with these sorts of characters, so I'll provide a few examples along with rambles. Sound good?

FUN CLICHÈ No. 1: WHORE WITH A HEART OF GOLD

This clichè was probably started with Sonya in Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment- her father drinks a lot and can't be bothered to work, so in order to support her family, his dearest daughter goes out and sells herself, weeping and regretting it all the while.

But, as we know, Dostoyevsky is, well...Dostoyevsky. Copying him won't do us anything, because he's just too good.

I do believe I boogied in happiness when Angela did a mighty fine job of trying to seduce the 'nervous customer', but then I lost momentum when she cried. Why all the hype if she doesn't really care?

This can be fixed by a little character background. Pop quiz time! Why has she gone into prostitution?

- If your answer was, "She's desperate and poor and is a high school drop-out", good job!

- If your answer was, "She's just a poor, poor mislead girl who does it because it's all she knows from her dirty father", then...not so good job.

Why is this bad? It's making a lot of melodrama for something that doesn't make a lot of sense. 'Mislead' is hard to define, and wouldn't you think that if you had been sexually abused, you'd want to steer clear of the whole sex thing?

In order to 'save' the story, you've got to make her motives clear. In order to be this desperate, you've got to have some major financial trouble, yes? And work is work. You can complain, but in this business, it doesn't make for good fiction when they do. Especially when they're rather young. You have to have some serious drive in order to think, "I'm fourteen! Yay! Let me sell my body for money!"

And showing this naivetè in your work will make it all the more convincing. Let's face it- you know how you see those writhing, grinding, slutty cheerleaders in teen movies? Yeah. I don't know about you, but I have trouble talking to a guy without stuttering, let alone doing a strip-tease. If you reflect this false sense of confidence, we'd get a double dose of eau de very, very morbidly fun.

BOYS HAVE COOTIES:

Think about kissing for a moment.

Really think about it.

It's the place where you eat and chew and their place where they eat and chew and cold sores and...eugh. Right? This is why it kind of bugs me when I read all of these sex or make-out scenes were everything is so clean and nice and perfect. Probably not?

One of my favorite stories ever, Guttersnipe [by Caligula's_Launderette- it's in the HF forums ^_^] features a kissing scene in which the guy accidentally sneezes on the girl. It's great because it's so awkward and yet completely plausible; something that I love very much.

Life briefly left her body as he invaded her, drawing blood as he clawed desperately at her neck.


This is an example of what we call 'purple prose'- overly describing or overly dramatizing what could be a very simple sentence. You can use purple prose in moderation to 'pad' description for certain types of scenes, but they're not very good in sex scenes because it just amplifies the 'eww'-ness.

One way to help avoid purple prose is to develop flaws for your characters. This usually entails making them ugly- or at least normal. If you make normal people, you won't often feel the need to romanticize things.

And if you've a hard time not using beautiful characters, simply don't describe their physique. There were several mentions of 'doe eyes' and 'curls' and 'milky breasts' in your piece, which isn't a very good thing because we're apt to think she's really, really pretty unless you outrightly say, "She had a hairy mole in the middle of her nose."

Remember that normal=good and the less physical description you have in your piece, the better it shall be. ^_^

FUN CLICHÈ No. 2: MINDLESS PREDATOR

Quick! Before we begin- meet two characters, Adelais and Mr. Smart. The former is a cheeky rake of a den boy and the latter is a desperate, lonely law professor.

Now which one of these sections do you think is more interesting?

1.
The room was dark. Smart laughed sinisterly whilst pulling deadbolts across the top of the door, watching Adelais' deep blue eyes widen with fear. Smart paused, looking into them- their depths, filled with the pain he had hidden for so long. He shook his head and shoved the boy against the wall, until their bodies were pushed against each each other.

"Don't try to run from me. You are so weak..."

"You're a murderer!"

Tears forced their way through his swollen lids. Smart's chest was heaving, pushing into his. Adelais groaned deeply.


Or:

2.
There was a pile against the door- of chairs, of books, of old globes on pedestals. Two locks, the keys both twisted so far in they had snapped at the shaft.

Adelais swung his legs over the edge of Smart's desk and sat, watching him fold his jury robes in half, in thirds, in fourths. "You killed that man today- that thief."

Smart looked up. "That thief, yes."

Adelais looked at the floor. A mouse scurried across the floor beneath his feet and disappeared into a notch in the wall.

"It's my duty." Smart left his robes where they lay and rubbed the back of Adelais' hands with his thumb. "You do understand that? Men need justice, just as-"

"You need me."

He bit his lip. "Something like that." Smart sighed and fiddled with the buttons at Adelas' waist- the ivory ones, with the little carvings of sailboats and mermaids and other things he didn't care to distinguish. He pulled his hands away. "Do you need me, Addy?"


...and you get the point. Anyway! I'm hoping you picked two, otherwise I have some serious issues to deal with. XD

There are several- I think, anyway- things to look at with Addy and Smart, because they are so lovely and strange.

- Smart is not necessarily a bad man. He really and truly loves Adelais, but perhaps doesn't go about showing that in the most appropriate way for a thirty-year-old man and a prep-school boy. This is something to distinguish with your father character- does he love the daughter, or is he indifferent? If he's indifferent or doesn't like her, why does he want to sleep with her? The answers might be obvious to you, but it's always better to over-clarify.

- Notice there are no heaving bodies in the second segment. Yes, they do eventually have sex, but it will go about in the same way as I started the scene- if I describe the whole thing, it will be sort of passive and jump to little, seemingly pointless details. I'm not relying on any movie I've seen (and this is why it's sometimes a blessing to write about 'taboos'- you definitely have never seen them in any mainstream movie), and so it's just my characters with no outside influence.

- Speaking of characters- does Smart seem a wee bit guilty to you? It's hard to tell from a short snippet, but they do stay true to their personality. Smart is usually very apologetic and clingy and needy, and Adelais is what he is- a manipulative, horny fifteen-year-old boy. To have Adelais blush and giggle and resist would be a tad strange, no? This is why it's tough to work with the 'whore with a heart of gold' character- you're not quite sure what they feel, as it's sort of a contradiction. Quite the horrid job, if you don't enjoy it?

- And note how there is clearly something Smart wants, but he's not dominating or evil. Dominating and evil, even for a 'bad' man, doesn't usually work, because then you get the 'damsel in distress'. Resistance is good, but then don't have her blush and give in and weep bitterly. A complete and utter surrender is needed, yes, but make it Angela's surrender, not her Lifetime Movie Channel alter-ego. This will make it all the more moving, right? ^_^

Anyway, a lot of what I've thrown at you is very abstract, and so if there's any- absolutely any- place where you don't quite follow me, don't hesitate to ask. I was really pleased to see someone taking risks, and so I really would like to see the next few drafts of this story.

See you around, Sapphire- and thanks for the read. ^_^
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





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Fri Sep 28, 2007 5:39 pm
nirvana says...



Wow that was a brilliant story i really liked itit was really emotional and very good descriptive writing what i dont get is why she worked for the pimp if she was being sexually abused at home well thats all
Thanks for the rally good read:D
Anger is fear turned inward
Peace is happiness turned outward
  





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Fri Sep 28, 2007 5:49 pm
winters says...



This was a very good story. I find it refreshing to see younger writers tackle these deeply emotional matters. Keep up the good work.
Just a thought.
  





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Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:17 pm
Ross says...



This was actually very refreshing to read. I had a little trouble with writing sex scenes and making sure they were appropriate for this site. You've paved the way for me. Thank you very much!

I loved this story. I was seriously crying as I read. It broke my heart--and the fact that this happens in real life breaks my heart even MORE.

Angela the MC does seem a bit cliche--the high-school whore who's being abused by her father. It rings of overuse... The father was awful. I wanted to crawl away when he started having sex with Angela. Johnny is a good secondary character. Hannah seems a bit like a "throw-away"--a character that doesn't really move the story along. I think if Angela was by herself while the other girls chatted, we would understand her despair better.

Good job in writing this type of story!

Grade: B+

DeafWriter
And we'll be a dream...

"Dee Dubbleyou." - BigBadBear
  





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Fri Jun 27, 2008 6:29 pm
patience_isnt says...



All I can say is... Wow. That was a really good short story. I was on the verge of tears most of the story, and the rest of it I was crying. I can't believe this could actually happen to someone in real life.

Anyways, on to what you're here for. There were just a couple grammar mistakes, and these mistakes can be avoided if you type this first on a Word Document with the spell check on.

She wouldn’t be she wouldn’t be so me now, thought Angela, tears creeping up behind her eyes.


She wouldn’t be so proud of me now, thought Angela, tears creeping up behind her eyes.

“Would I risk being here if I hadn’t.”


“Would I risk being here if I hadn’t?”

And that's all the commentary I can give you. I'm sorry if I missed any more mistakes, but your short story pulled me right in. And you can tell if it's a really great piece if you can distract me from the majority of the grammar and spelling mistakes. :wink:

Anyways, I wouldn't be surprised if this became published one day. And if it is, I would be the first one in line to purchase a copy. :D

A very good piece. Good job! Keep up the good work!
  





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Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:13 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



I liked this. It was interesting and fun to read, and yet still had a lot of emotional weight.

I agree most of what Sam said and point to it as most of my critique. It's cheap of me, but that was one of the best reviews I have ever read by way of explaining abstract concerns.

Those first two paragraphs were monsters and quite difficult to read as such. I think that they could be pared down, or split up into several more. It made it difficult to get into the story with those huge chunks of text barring the way and it puts the reader off.

I was a bit confused as to why she either a) stayed in the pimp business or b) hasn't killed herself before now. Granted, I am not an advocate of suicide, but it just seemed convenient that she killed herself in this story, when apparently she has been doing this for quite some time. Was the final blow her father showing up at the house of ill repute?

I dunno, I think this needed to be longer so that we could see more of her life. In the beginning, it almost seems as though she is okay with what she is doing and is comfortable with it. It is like she is bragging to the other girls. And I was cool with that. I was like "okay, so this is her character. pretty interesting." But then she starts crying with that one guy and is disgusted and I figured out that she is not having a good time. Then her dad walks in and I was like "what the..." and quite disgusted. Yesh, the dad was a sicko.

The whole story felt a little set up. It was all playing towards her suicide. And one might thing "well, duh... that's the end of the story." But it feels like there wasn't enough downhill movement. We meet the character at the bottom, not having seen the entire tumble which would have endeared her to us more. Right now, she feels kind of angsty and her horrible home life leaves the reader wondering why she makes it even worse with her outside occupation.

And why was the father sorry? He doesn't strike me as the sorrowful type, especially in that he's been abusing his own daughter for, what, 8 years? Did it really take her suicide to wake him up? I dunno... It seemed rather unrealistic. And, not to be disgusting, but her dad must be really hardy if he went from the house of ill repute to home to do the same thing within an hour. And why did he go to the shack anyway?

I'm sorry. This wasn't meant to get this long, nor get so crude. This was a well-written piece and it was emotional, but there were just certain parts that set me rambling.

*thumbs up* Keep up the writing and I hope to see more of your work soon!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  








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