Lomones' song (for Swan Song)

Spoiler

This is for my novel Swan Song. You don't have to read the story to understand this poem, but just be aware that this is not a poem describing the Christian religion. Rather, it's a poem for a made-up religion which is very loosely based on Christianity, but it has very distinct differences. Basically? It is not meant to be a poem that is meant to glorify Lord Jesus Christ -- my poetry ain't that good.

For those that are into this story, this will probably be incorporated in the story as a song which would be sung by Lomones to calm someone down who is very, very upset and disturbed. So, while it definitely has religious overtones and is used in certain religious ceremonies, it should be noted that it is by no means considered to be prophetic -- it is more of a hope for all.

It is meant to be a song of sorts, however because it's not the modern sort of song (more like the songs bards of old will sing than what is consider lyrics today), I am not putting it in lyrics. So, that means that flow is really, really important here.

I am also considering making it an even more rigid structure (sonnets may be cool!), but at the moment I am just playing around with it right now -- this is the first draft. Anyway, GENERAL thoughts and ideas are very much appreciated! Don't get worked up about the little details... those will be smoothed over later in future rewrites. Just give me ideas on how to rewrite this.

He is dead! He is dead!
They with tears exclaimed,
And in royal clothes of mourning
They hid their heads in shame.

But lo! See the flowers,
How they bloom and grow,
Not wilting as the dead may do
But in their glory show:

Their colors shine like diamond hues
All across once-barren fields,
And though cruel winter takes their lives
They return with higher yields.

So too he has succumbed to death,
And we tremble in the cold,
But when he is restored to life
The land shall bloom like old.

And thus in death his ever-glory
Will come to pass as might,
And Mistress Time will heal all
As has been destined right.

So take heart, take heed,
And let not despair consume your soul
For what has passed as wicked once
Will for all be all restored.

The tears that fall over death's cruel grasp
Shall transform into tears of joy,
For where he has trodden, we will pass
And never be destroyed.

The sick will heal, the lame will walk
And dance from street to street
The blind will see, the dumb shall talk
In glad reveries.

The wicked one shall die for once --
And her death shall be no sorrow.
For where there was pain, now joy revels
And Mistress Time brings on tomorrow.

So let us quit with mourning
And let our souls fly free.
He is love! He is lord!
Our eternal majesty!

Hey Snoink,

This flows well and you make the restrictive form work. I really love "The land shall bloom like old."

I just have minor quibbles to do with the rhythm and sound of the piece:

Stanza One: I'd avoid twisting the syntax of the second line as it seems unnecessary. I'd change "And in" to "wearing", as otherwise it sounds like they're pulling their robes up over their heads which I don't think is what you intended...

Stanza Three: I'd cut "the" before "once barren fields" as you don't need it and I think it makes the line a bit long.

Stanza Five: I'd put a comma after "heal all". As a whole I think this stanza is a little more flimsy than the others and would maybe try for some more concrete imagery.

Stanza Six: I think the second line is too long here and makes the stanza a little jerky.

Stanza Eight: I think a more solid rhyme in the last line would work better.

Stanza Nine: I'd try " - Mistress Time brings on tomorrow", as I think it would flow better.

Stanza Ten: I'd cut "Our."

Just minor suggestions overall to do with the sound and flow of the piece. I enjoyed how it unfolded and it kept my attention throughout, in spite of its length.

Overall, a pleasure, as always.

Jas

Awesome! Great Job! I love the enthusiasm you express through out the poem. Like the person before me said, I like the fluency of your poem, it seems to fit as perfect as a puzzle! ALso the pictures from your words are purely amazing. In other words I loved it!

Hey, Snoink!

This is a brilliant piece. The imagery, the rhyme and the whole story of hope all woven so intricately and with such great attention to the structure as well. I like the idea of there being the context of it being about a religious scenario where the God is praised. Although I did feel that there still lacked some depth to it.

You are talking about an entirely different religion, purely fictitious. So being of that tone, you could have come up with custom phrases and chants that are normally adorned by all forms of faith. You could have named some Prophets or Angels with names and their significance towards the outlay of this religious community. Being made-up, you could add to the epic-ness or the History of this particular faith. All that's really been talked about is how great 'God' is and the importance of 'Mistress Time' and such other things. You've generalized it and have not clearly formed a brand new identity for this religion. So it can easily be mistaken for being any already existing religion like Christianity.

So my actual nitpicks are with the subject matter and not with the poetry itself. The sheer poetic form and the language are pure gold and really uplift the poem to give that legendary and epic sort of feel to it.

All in all, a great poem with just a minor issue being that there should be more in-depth detail towards the subject matter. However, this is purely how I feel about this and if you deliberately attempted to make it this generalized then it's understood. But if you have purposely done it like that, the originality of the poem is lost.

I need to read more of your pieces! You are a talented poetess, Snoink Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza