"Staring Contest"

A fairly new piece of writing. Again, about a woman. Maybe I should just stop denying it and just to the world admit that I'm somewhat of a raging homosexual. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this, because I really enjoy writing and I kind of want to do this for the rest of my life. So it would really suck if no one enjoyed it.
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stare at me, with those wide eyes.

those eyes, so wide, and round,

and shiny.

like marbles.

those eyes, such a deep, dark brown.

the colour almost collides with the sharp onyx of your pupils.

stare at me with those eyes,

those wide, round, shiny onyx marbles,

encompassed by ivory,

traced with heavy lines of khol,

circling the rims of your lids,

and masking your natural beauty.

stare at me, with those wide eyes.

connect deeply within my core,

grab my heart with those eyes,

examine it closely,

see that it’s broken,

and fix it

by never letting go.

hold me close, with those eyes.

those all-seeing, therapeutic, heart-mending eyes.

stare at me, with those wide eyes.

long and hard,

try not to blink.

then slowly narrow them into that smirk.

that sexy smirk,

that seductive smirk,

that entirely too irresistible smirk.

stare at me with that smirk until i fall,

weak at the knees, down to your feet.

a slave to you, and your passionate, ever-so-captivating eyes.

stare at me, with those wide eyes.

do not look back, do not turn away.

stare at me forever,

me and only me,

until we are old and grey

and ready to decay.

stare at me because i love you.

because i’ll never grow tired of those eyes,

those wide eyes.

so wide and round and shiny, like marbles.

onyx marbles,

encompassed by ivory.

stare at me because i am selfish.

because i am in dire need of those eyes,

those wide eyes,

those all-seeing, therapeutic, heart-mending eyes.

stare at me because i have no self-control.

because i’ve fallen for those eyes,

those eyes that were slowly narrowed

into that smirk.

that sexy, seductive, entirely too irresistible smirk.

stare at me because i am terrible with words.

because you wont need to speak if those eyes

were to intertwine with mine.

I wish you'd use better language and more appropriate words. Express yourself in a good way with good words. The idea was great but you didn't do it justice.
Sincerely,
Zaid.

Hi, this was a good poem, it just had a little too much repetition and could've been more creative but otherwise, it was really well done. In the poem you described a woman's eyes, you could've added more detail into your writing but I think what you wrote was still really great.

the colour almost collides with the sharp onyx of your pupils.

My favourite line. So my advice would be: try to avoid repetition and think of more creative details to add into your poem. But besides that, it was pretty nice (and romantic too). So good job, I hope to read more of your pieces later on and continue reviewing.

Nice idea, could do better on the language. You can maybe leave out the "seductive, sexy" parts because it's not really appropriate and incongruous with the rest of the poem. The description of the eyes:

those eyes, such a deep, dark brown.

the colour almost collides with the sharp onyx of your pupils.

stare at me with those eyes,

those wide, round, shiny onyx marbles,

encompassed by ivory,

was excellent, I don't think you need to change that.


All in all, great poem! Adding a little bit more vocabulary will make the poem really captivating. And nice quirky title, very creative. Keep writing!