Shot Glass and a Switchblade

Burning in the memories, friends regret my heresy, a time away from redemption, falling from salvation, a target painted I’m the obvious one, told myself to hurt, objective done.

Waking up, another day, mornings fought with bitter pain, chewing nails try to tame, pencils lying on the floor, broken and used, like my soul.

I stand again with masks in place, my misery gone without a trace, it’s time to be a hypocrite, and tell others to abandon it, but I am just as sore as them, with scars to hide, I’ve lied to them.

I claim the blame for everything, a scapegoat whenever you’re in need, I tell myself to let it go, that life will hand a bitter toll, cherish pain, and take the blame for hate is in these blackened veins.

My heart beat flickers and I am gone, for mere minutes at a time.
She crept through the door of my broken life, with rosey smiles and pain, whispers tell me to do whats wrong, hurting her, hurting me.

Mistakes fuse and damage won, oh my wings are burning, and i fall, break every bone on the way, she watches me from afar, stained with blood, she will watch, as i fall down under.

Let away from the seething chain, i found a drug to kill my pain, back to basics open flesh, worth my tears brought my death, lying in a sea of blood and tears, light a match, burn the skies, in my eyes, for my lies, undone ties, push me away.

The worst lie i ever told, was that my grief had died old, still and young and fresh cutting me, a different fruit from a familiar tree.

I miss the freedom, the pained knot, twisting my stomach, all i've got, bell chimes six and it becomes real, your really gone i do have to heal, i decided to hurt myself, i can control a physical pain, theres no hand to force me to stay, so deeper and deeper i go, no one knows, no one can, they'll just hurt, if they knew my plan.

Sunday night, wasted spent alone, rotting in my hole, in my home, anybody? anyone? misery alone is too much blood, my reflection is ugly , evil and strange, fire and rust, death looks and rage.

Madness is bitter on my tongue, in my eyes, in this song, think about the Boy you see, pale and scared of levity, all he wants is a friend, someone to hold and understand, but no one listens to his words, my pleas are going forever unheard, i'm a rejected freak and i run from the fight, regret my actions everynight, and who i am aint worth the light, i'm done with lying for your vote, i've given up on her and those who think, i have to change myself, to lie to everyone else, what stays will stay cause i am done, trying to please everyone, don't judge don't lie don't sympathise, just accept that i'm done...

Hi again, ZombieSquirrel!

Wow. This is quiet beautiful. Actually, I don't know why you wrote it as some sort of prose. I think this has a rhythm and it rhymes neatly. It's good enough to be a poem. xD Like for example:
"The worst lie i ever told,
was that my grief had died old,
still and young and fresh cutting me,
a different fruit from a familiar tree."

Actually, I think that this kind of organization attracts the reader more. In the way you have it, makes people lazy just by knowing it's poetry, because it looks extremely long. xD But you are an awesome writer, seriously.

Though, there are some grammar mistakes, some commas were misplaced, you left out some apostrophes, and remember that all I's should be uppercase when you use them as pronouns. That is very important... making your pieces look professional will make people respect you as the priceless writer that you are!

Keep Writing!

~Solly<3

Whoa. This is practically oozing with emotion.

The layout doesn't really matter that much when you're reading. I think that maybe in paragraphs it helps the whole thing flow better, as I wasn't pausing when I read it. I read it fast, and it worked very well.

Ok, so the first stanza. I think it should be 'falling from my salvation', just to make it flow better. This line, 'a target painted I’m the obvious one', this is great. Its rhyme, 'told myself to hurt, objective done', isn't as good. Maybe it's just me, but 'objective done' seems forced to make it rhyme with 'one'. That's the only part I didn't like.

I don't have much to say about the second stanza. It's very good and the rhymes work very well. I like how, when you say 'like my soul', it seems very sudden, because the read is sort of expecting it to rhyme, and when it doesn't it makes an impact. I love it!

The third stanza is absolutely word perfect. I wouldn't change a single thing!

The fourth stanza is a tiny bit jumpy, but I'm really just nit-picking. I think that instead of 'and take the blame for hate...' I think it should be 'and take the blame, for hate...' This gives more emphasis to the rhymes, and I think it flows a little better.

I can honestly say I don't like the fifth stanza. I don't think you need it. I don't like how you say 'for mere minutes at a time.' I think '...and I am gone.' is a much more powerful way to end the line. I actually think you should move the first line and put it at the end. The rest is ok, not bad, but not great. I am literally in love with the first line, though!

The sixth stanza is jumpy, but good. Very good. It's very emotional. Here is where I think it would have been better to use more periods than commas, so it slows the pace down and the reader can take a breather. But at the moment, it's great how it is.

My favourite stanza is the seventh. Just the image of lighting a match and burning the skies made this stanza so heartfelt and painful. It's perfect. Really.

'a different fruit from a familiar tree' does not work here. There are far too many syllables for the rhyme to work, and the rhythm really veers off the tracks. Apart from that one line, the rest of the eigth stanza is basically as great as the rest. The could rhyme 'me' with so many other things, it could be improved very easily.

Ahh! I just want to rip stanza nine apart! The first bit is AMAZING, and then I just want to destroy the rest. Honestly, I say you end this stanza at '...I do have to heal.' From there, the rhythm is slightly off, and it seems forced to me, like you needed it just to bring the poem along.

The tenth stanza was good. I don't have any problems with what you've written, but do you actually need this? The poem is very long as it is, and although it is good, you don't need a whole other stanza. I think you should merge it with another short one, or take a couple of those sentences out. Actually, I'd merge it with the eigth stanza.

Ok, so, the last stanza. The only thing I would change is 'i'm done' to 'I am done'. It's just a little nit-pick, but I think it increases the impact some what, and is a slightly more powerful ending to the poem. Also, here is where periods instead of commas would help the flow as well. When I read it, I can't read it in one go, so I have to take pauses anyway.

Overall, it was very good. I'd say 'keep writing', but I know someone with your kind of talent will anyway!!
-Anna