Falling Asleep

In a solace of black and white,
Nothing moved except the blinds
Occasionally letting in moonlight
Teasing my sight.

Sobs sliced the silence like a blade
I cannot put up with this charade
Tears that accumulated over the years
Because I masked my sorrows and fears.

Under my woolen blanket,
Inside my shell,
I shy away to weep
I cry myself to sleep.

Time stood stock-still
But it could not wait forever
Slumber gave me a poison pill
The world went black.

"Falling Asleep" has some good parts and some weak parts. The first stanza definitely left me with a positive impression, as it could have been so easily overwritten but you somehow managed to keep the words sensible and somewhat restrained.

I really liked "Nothing moved except the blinds/Occasionally letting in moonlight". This is a strong image (obviously a strength of the whole poem) and helps to continue the concept of "a solace of black and white".

Usually I am a bit of a hater towards rhyme, but you seem to understand it's usage very well through the intermittent AABB rhyme scheme. It was particularly effective in stanza two, which sort of reminded me of song lyrics or something of that sort. "Tears that accumulated over the years/Because I masked my sorrows and fears"-this was the best line of the whole poem in my opinion.

Stanza 3 starts off so strong but loses poetic honesty in your voice. I like "Under my woolen blanket" because a blanket is a beautiful poetic symbol in so many ways and I often use this image in my own writing. However, "Inside my shell, I shy away to weep/I cry myself to sleep" is rather discouraging to the reader who will now think that your poem is just another sookie attempt at poetry by an emotionally unstable person. DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY THOUGH! I would seriously suggest changing these lines to something less direct and more purely genuine than outrightly stating you cry yourself to sleep. I know it tempting to just state the fact-but trust me, this stanza could be rewritten to express the same sentiment but without the seemingly false emotionally connotated diction you have employed.

The last stanza is quite beautiful, departing from your rhyme scheme. I have nothing to critique on this stanza as it very much concludes a good poem.

Please consider this advice and PM me if you want any help refining the poem-I would love to assist. Or if you want to-critique some of my poems because I too am looking for tips to improve.

URBAN/NOMAD

Uhmmm, alright, great start. However there are some things I'd really like to point out:

In a solace of black and white, Good start as long as you take this theme somewhere....which you don't....
Nothing moved except the blinds You don't explain the blinds, or why they're moving.
Occasionally letting in moonlight Off rhythm already, not a good start
Teasing my sight. Totally off rhythm, rhyme sounds forced, try again here.

Sobs sliced the silence like a blade
I cannot put up with this charade
Tears that accumulated over the years
Because I masked my sorrows and fears. This I like, probably the best stanza.

Under my woolen blanket,
Inside my shell,
I shy away to weep
I cry myself to sleep. This entire stanza is off rhythm with the one above it, they have to match!

Time stood stock-still
But it could not wait forever
Slumber gave me a poison pill
The world went black. This is a fine stanza, but it doesn't FIT.

Your stanzas seem to not go together. They just don't fit....like you took lyrics from different songs and put them together. Try to massage it more, add some more, make it all fit together. There is obviously a ton of emotion, and I'm sure it makes sense in your head, but it doesn't outside of your head. Goodluck.

Hi there mirasol...

Lol, you're name kind of freaked me out, cause my name is Sol... and 'mira' means 'look' in Spanish, and it's like "Look out, Sol" o.o Okay, I'm done attempting to be funny. xD

First off, welcome to YWS! Feel free to ask me anything if you need help, I promise I won't make any lame jokes.

But let's get to your writing. I like your poem, you managed to make it short and nice. Though, you gave it an AWESOME, shocking ending. Wow. Gives the reader a lot to think. Although, I don't agree with wewinwelose when she says the stanzas don't feet. I think you did a great job!

Keep it up!

~Solly<3

Hey,

The poem was pretty good, and your word choice and rhyming were great, but the rhythm was varying throughout the poem. Also, the last line didn't fit witht he rhyme scheme and detached me a bit from the poem. Other than that, great job and keep writing!

~Sharitm2