Deathly Beauty

(I want critiques badly, I want to be proud of this... I love this)

She lay in a broken mirror
Her reflection surrounding her,
Her beauty frozen by death,
Cast the feeling of immortality
To all that were like her.

Her pale face and down heartened eyes
Selfishly looked around the broken room
Casting an image of frozen beauty
Crimson lips and black hair
Leave a selfish and vain impression

Perhaps she was too beautiful for this world
This lifetime
Herself
Maybe she was too vain for aging

When she leapt from the balcony
Did she remember why?
Was all she lived for, to die for?
Dying an instant beauty?

Would she be remembered?
Or known at all?
By her family and friends
And strangers that walked by her on the street?
Was all she did for something,
Or nothing at all?

The repetition can be annoying at times...

"cast the feeling of immortality"

"cast a feeling of immortality"

Near each other, no less! Vary your words for a stronger effect.

And I don't get the first line. Then again, I'm very braindead, but still...

And... um... this is just another suicide poem.

the first line implies
(how to put this in small words [no hope])

The mirror
it like her self image
And she killed herself when she thought she HAD decent self image
but the author puts it as her image was broken and she was braindead

Was she you? No I'm kidding *gives truffle*

Instead of using the word 'vain' all the time, put in the word 'pompous'! It's fun to say...and it means pretty much the same thing...

I remember that you said that you were going to try and adapt the dream you had into a poem, story and drawing (The drawing is where you said it) and I think you did a good job of that (Of course I didn't ahve the dream so I couldn't really compare) but this seemed to be really repetitive, you seemed to repeating the same point over and over again but into different words. And some words you use over and over againas well! I like the ending, though. And the title seemed a little cliche. Their are so many 'Death by' somethings that even if you change the last part it seemes cliche. Maybe its just me. But this can be a really good poem if you just work out the kinks.

As Snoink stated, the repetition got a little annoying. Words like frozen/freeze/froze were repeated and had an effect at first, but on the second one, it didn't leave an impression on me. I really like how many questions you use and I like your ending, but I think if you added more images and contrasts, describing things more effectively, it would have a more powerful impact and the ending would mean more to the reader. I found only one spelling error 'lept' needs to be 'leapt' but other than that, I didn't see anything.
This is a good start. Nice job...keep writing

There were many good ideas in this, but you would repeat the same ideas, which made it tiring to read. The idea of being frozen in her beauty was an interesting concept, but you shouldn't remind the reader so many times of it. The same thing applies to words. Using certain words more than once [usually words that you try to highlight] makes the word boring and that defeats the purpose of the word in the first place.

Perhaps she was to beautiful for this world
Missed typo here: too.

It was a bit repetitive in the poem, but it had good ideas. With some tweaking it could be really powerful.

Repetitive... O' how that word is annoying.
O' how annoying is this poem?

A new writing style and its quite good. There are certain very minor mistakes in this like:
Downheartened isn’t a single word-space them.
“leave a vain impression” shouldn’t it be : “left a vain impression” ?
“When she lept from the balcony” shouldn’t it be “When she leapt from the balcony”
some lines like no.3, the last 2 lines of stanza 4 should begin with a capital letter.
The very vital punctuation is mostly missing and so the poem becomes hard to follow at times.
There ought to be some necessary full-stops inserted to make more sense out of this poem.
I didn’t get the 1st line-did she lie “in” the mirror? Landed on a mirror after jumping from a balcony in a broken room???? Or am I being thick and dumb!? What does “to all that was like her” mean? I really liked the feeling of the last stanza. Put the punctuations, please. In all the theme was thoughtful and the style was also different (sorry for repeating myself).

I agree about the repetiton, but that aside, this is a great piece. Good use of langauge, good emotion, good descriptions. Nice work!

I didn't think that repitition was a problem in this poem. I think it helped create a dramatic effect aswell as the emotive language you used. I liked the poem a lot.

The repitition didn't jump out at me. I had to go looking for it. But that may just be the tired state I'm in right now (I was up until 4 this morning). But I really liked this. The title really drew me in and it flowed nicely. I liked the whole idea of the poem. Nicely done.

Newly remastered and digitized for your enjoyment.
So... enjoy... or something along those lines.

I hope this is somewhat better than the original... or something.

Any repitition NOW??? HUH???