Ok, here's my issue. You start and it sounds like a mock heroic invocation, and then you half-turn serious. You use imagery that's more akin to fairy tales with the "spindles of gold" which in turn makes "rosy petals" sound more fairy-tale like. and then you switch suddenly to a driver's license which throws the imagery you already have. If that's your intention, then well done! But that image just does not fit with the rest, and even the idea of molecules in the second stanza isn't as out-of-place. It fits, rather. I would suggest something a little less blatantly modern to fit this, as much as I like the line itself, maybe a picture, or painting?
Ok, back on track. You don't really need "how could it be?" in the first stanza, weighs it down.
Second stanza -- I'm tempted to say nix the "with my molecules" and even the God line following. I think the problem was that you stated that overtly, and it skews the poem in general, since that's more of the message you're trying to say, and saying it makes it much less effective. Especially reading again with the start of the first stanza, which does invoke the idea of God, in a sense, which works. A little bit on the mock heroic side, yes, but the way the poem follows makes it work.
So, um, yeah. With that in mind, I'm just going to do some quick line edits, ok? Nothing fancy, just tightening up a bit -- a note on the last line of the second stanza -- that's mostly just a thought, thinking what would happen if you don't mention God at all until the last stanza (it's like a coda!), what do you think of that? It makes it all much more metaphorical and juicy that way!
look at me and rejoice!
see my hair, how it sparkles in the sun
and transforms into spindles of gold[s] for you.[/s]
and look! when you touch my cheek with
the back of your hand,
can't you feel soft rosy petals pressed
against your flesh?
remember me like this, i pray, and don't let
my driver's license fool you.
my hair is not brown and my skin is not white.
[s]how could it be?[/s] listen!
in darkness, i was nothing,
but then God said, "let there be light!"
and i tumbled from my mother's womb and
blinked.
when you see me now, what you see is
not me but a billion photons dancing;
[s]with my molecules.
i am in God and God is in me--[/s]
even my sweater with the holey sleeve
throbs with the pulse of raging electrons,
[s]all in the tune of God's song.[/s]
(and when i kiss you, God laughs and
a thousand and one stars twinkle.)
Anyway! This was a fun read, love! Forgive me for wanting to tighten everything, but I tend to believe in the fewer words the better. Hope this helped a bit, at least! And um... cummings. This is highly reminiscent of that, thinking about it. While I'm thinking about it, a thousand and one stars isn't a reference to Arabian Nights, is it? Or am I just reading that with the other fairy-tales I've read into the first stanza?
(and I like using physics with God -- reminds me of fun Renaissance poetry)
