The Golden Gate

Spoiler

Once again, Firefox Spellcheck has failed me. Jubilus is a word.

Slicing through the clouds around,
Lustrous to view, its glare profound;
Jubilus song and choir await,
Right behind the Golden Gate.

Amid the starving desert, this utopia,
Calms hunger at its cornucopia;
Satisfaction and thanksgiving rotate,
At the table behind the Golden Gate.

Behold, entry is not free for all,
For you must answer the King's call;
Unceasingly He beckons all, post haste,
To join Him behind the Golden Gate.

They forsake Him, ignore His gift,
Scoff and mock, building a rift;
A rift of immorality, disbelief, and hate,
Hinders them from entering the Golden Gate.

Rejected, the King returns inside,
Where those who accepted Him abide;
Outside the decliners sit and wait,
for eternal damnation outside the Golden Gate.

Spoiler

I hope I gave enough clues as to what my poem is about. Thanks for reading

I must say I love the poem and the idea behind it. My only nitpick is the rhythm, in several places it felt like you were focusing mostly on the rhyme and in doing so forgot about the flow of your poem. It speaks about perfection, so your rhythm really needs to flow well. Otherwise, good job, you did well expressing your opinion here, although I do think you could add a few more details describing the wonders of Heaven. Anyway, I hope my review was in some way helpful.

I hope I gave enough clues as to what my poem is about.

I think you did. It's about heaven, right?
You get your ideas across pretty clearly and your grammar is fine. Your main problem is your rhythm. This verse has pretty good rhythm:

Amid the starving desert, this utopia,
Calms hunger at its cornucopia;
Satisfaction and thanksgiving rotate,
At the table behind the Golden Gate.

All the others are pretty iffy though, which made it hard to read and interrupted the flow. Try to have a set number of syllables for each line. Syllables are not the same as rhythm, but they're a basic way to get rhythm working.

Another thing I noticed is that your descriptions of heaven sound a bit sterile. You state all these nice things but don't really explain them. Try to use some sensory language to make it a little more human and relate-able. The heaven you're describing doesn't sound as appealing as it should, so try to describe more instead of just stating.

The last thing I have to say is about this

Outside the decliners sit and wait,
for eternal damnation outside the Golden Gate.

You're ending your poem on a sad note. If I were you I would rearrange it to have stuff about the 'decliners' at the start, so you can end talking about heaven. Then again, maybe the point of the poem is to be a warning and you want to end on that note? It's up to you.

Hope this is helpful!

- pigeon

This poem is sound like something straight out of the bible. Seriously. It either sounds like that, or it sounds like a preacher preaching it. The grammar is fine, and the idea is easily understood, but to me there is imagery missing. If this is supposed to be a statement about heaven and hell, then there needs to be more imagery.

Slicing through the clouds around,
Lustrous to view, its glare profound;
Jubilus song and choir await,
Right behind the Golden Gate.

This is the most vividly illustrated stanza, and gives me the image of a beautiful heaven (even though I do not personally care about religion or worship of God), but after that there is not much imagery.

What I have to stress, particularly in describing a paradise, is the use of imagery. It loses it's effect if imagery is lacking, because when one envisions a paradise, it must be seen, but not only that felt, and understood as well.

Most people who read this will know it is describing heaven, but I believe you need to expand your imagery of the entire scenery, and express the emotion more as well.

-dante93

I love this poem. And, yes, I was able to figure out what it was about. I love reading poems that rhyme, and this one had some really good rhyming in it, so that made it enjoyable to read. Plus, there were very few errors in it, and any that I saw other people had already covered in previous comments, so I won't bother repeating them. I loved reading this, and please keep writing!

I loved this poem. Other than a few places where the rhythm was a bit off, it was fantastic! I would like to thank you for putting this up so that many others may enjoy it as well. Bravo! Keep on writing.


--Maya

Hi Shiney!

I'm here to review you for today! ^.^

I want to say that this poem is really interesting and a good topic Makes us know how God is really important and what he has given us

The poem went a little out of the rhythm. The flow was just lost in between.
I think you were describing heaven in the first two stanzas?

Slicing through the clouds around,
Lustrous to view, its glare profound;
Jubilus song and choir await,
Right behind the Golden Gate.

Amid the starving desert, this utopia,
Calms hunger at its cornucopia;
Satisfaction and thanksgiving rotate,
At the table behind the Golden Gate.

And then suddenly, you talk about God and the King.

Behold, entry is not free for all,
For you must answer the King's call;
Unceasingly He beckons all, post haste,
To join Him behind the Golden Gate.

They forsake Him, ignore His gift,
Scoff and mock, building a rift;
A rift of immorality, disbelief, and hate,
Hinders them from entering the Golden Gate.

Not that it's wrong but, what you were describing at first kind of changed. It lead to another path.

Though, I loved this stanza very much!

Rejected, the King returns inside,
Where those who accepted Him abide;
Outside the decliners sit and wait,
for eternal damnation outside the Golden Gate.

The name you've given to describe the gates to Heaven which is "Golden Gate" is really wonderful! xD

So, all I want to say is, this poem is extremely well-written!
I find no grammar mistakes.

Overall: Awesome job. Just take care of what you describe. That's all. xP

Cheers,
Cookie :O

There's nothing I love better than a poem that expresses the wonders of death and where our lives continue after we're gone. There's nothing I have to critique on this poem and it was a joy reading it. Great job!!