One day

If one day I become queen
I'd climb up the castle and pretend I'm a teen

If one day I would become tame
I would be better,and stay the same.

If one day I'd become a Boy
I'd promise to stay nice and not annoy.

If one day I'd be so strong
everyone would not be scared and we'll all get along

If one day I be on T.V
I would be famous as you clearly see

If one day I'd start a family
I would be truly happy

If one day I'd get a gift,
Odds are it will be too heavy to lift

Spoiler

Hey, I hoped you liked my poem! My name is Pixie2. I am so glad you can read it! I worked so hard on it. Please leave a comment on what I should do better an d what you thought was wrong or why you did not like it. Thanks

~Pixie~
Liv,laugh,glow

Hi Pixie, I love your poem and the dreamlike quality it's got. I have a few suggestions, not problems just things that (in my opinion) could be improved.

If one day I become queen
I'd climb up the castle and pretend I'm a teen I wasn't too sure about the meaning of this second line. Obviously if it's got some hidden meaning to you that's great, otherwise I think a different rhyme would be better or perhaps 'and shout like a teen'?

If one day I would become tame
I would be better,and stay the same.

If one day I'd become a Boy
I'd promise to stay nice and not annoy. You've used the word 'stay' twice in these two stanzas, I think it works the first time but this line needs reviewing

If one day I'd be so strong
everyone would not be scared and we'll all get along I like this stanza, but there are a few too many syllables in the second line. I suggest 'No one would be scared', and it should be 'we'd' rather than 'we'll' to fit with the conditional tense

If one day I'd be on T.V
I would be famous as you clearly see I'm just not sure about this line. I wonder if 'I would be famous as you'd see' would be better?

If one day I'd start a family
I would be truly happy I like the idea of this stanza but it doesn't quite fit the rhyme scheme - maybe marry would be easier to find a rhyme?

If one day I'd get a gift,
Odds are it will be too heavy to lift The ending sounds a bit funny, I think 'Perhaps my heavy burden would lift' would sound better

I can tell this poem means a lot to you and you've worked hard on it so I hope you're not offended, and of course you can use my suggestions in your own way, or completely ignore them if you like!
Great work
Hope this helps
~Megan

Howdy there!

I think this is pretty good but some of the rhyming sounds forced. Although you may feel more comfortable doing a rhyming poem it isn't necessary and in this case, with the topic you have in mind it may be better not to have a rhyming poem but instead use free flow of enjambment to set the pace.

Having said that with the way you have written it the layout is suited perfectly. I really like how you have left a few spaces between each stanza making it clear for the readers. Also the use of stanza's in it's own is perfect.


A very good job well done!

Hey there. I really enjoyed reading this. It's cute. My favorite lines were:

If one day I'd start a family
I would be truly happy

If one day I'd get a gift,
Odds are it will be too heavy to lift

The last one gave me a laugh and the first one made me smile. Just because I think it would be a nice note to end on, I would switch the two around.

Keep writing!

awwww..... thanks so much for all the reviews!

~Pixie~
Liv,Laugh,Glow

I didn't like this at first but by the time I reached the end I found it quite cute and entertaining. It has that surreal and dream-like feel of a child that works really well in poetry. There are a few grammar and rhyme issue that I'm sure somebody else has already addressed. All in all I thought it was cute and sweet and I enjoyed reading it.

Veritas

thank you and but i dont understand how it is cute.well anyways thx>>

Hey there Pix! Ihope everything's alright between us now! I came to review your poem. SO here goes...

If one day I became queen
I'd climb up the castle and pretend I'm a teen.

If one day I became tame what do you mean by 'tame'? Tamed as in 'not wild' or, if you want it to go with the first stanza: 'dame'?
I would be better,and stay the same.

If one day I became a boy
I'd promise to stay nice and not annoy.

If one day I became so strong
everyone would not be scared and we'll all get along.

If one day I went on T.V
I would be famous as you clearly see. This stanza doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe it's just me, I don't know.

If one day I started a family
I would be truly happy.

If one day I got a gift,
Odds are it will be too heavy to lift.

Alright. Well I liked the message you tried to bring along in this poem, but I have a problem with your beginning: it's as though you forced in those rhymes. And your grammar. My my my. You need to work on grammar.
You should take a look at these forums:
->Grammar & Research
->Writing Tips
->Ask an expert

These are just to help you! Don't take it badly, okay? Other than that, this poem has potential and you should definately keep writing!

- Mikko.