Hurt Beyond Repair

HURT BEYOND REPAIR


I see you smiling her

They same way you used to smile at me

My heart aches every time

But you don't care about me anymore

I cried every night waiting

Waiting in the cold for you

Hoping you would appear

Hoping you would mend my broken heart

Comfort me

Whisper into my ear

Tell me that you love me

But surely

Innocent as I was

I was infatuated with the idea of love

Deluding myself into thinking ,

that it was so easy to find

but

I am happy you did this to me

I gained experience

crying every night

for something that never came

All because of you

Playing with a girl's heart

You saw it as fun

a game

But I have learned from my mistake

because you hurt me beyond repair

it's nice, but nothing clearly amazing.
this is a topic everyone writes about, and to make a stand in this area, you have to be really epic.
better luck next time.

Chanelle, dear, I realized this is your first post on the site and that having me as one of your first reviewers might be a bit of a downer, but I'm going to review this for you so you know where you're at and where you need to go to achieve good, concrete, real poetry. So please, I realize I may be a bit of a harsh reviewer, but I respect the fact you put this into the world. And that's and admirable quality.

Now, as it goes, I found this to be very superficial and very preachy. You talk about the essence of a broken heart and or unrequited love, but there is nothing really passionate or beautiful about this. A rant, if you will. A blog entry just spaced out differently. And it really is quite the blog entry in the fact that this such a boring, overused topic.

I realize, at this time in your life, such things as broken hearts and unrequited love is a very big deal because this is your first real taste of it, but poetry should not simply be a place to complain. To rant about what hurts. Poetry is beauty in its sheerest essence. A connection from the soul to the page, and every single word counts. Every little detail creates the image in which you want to come across.

You have passion, hun. Its there. If you sat down and took emotion from within you to write a poem, then you have the mind and the heart to continue. It's merely a matter of learning how.

So lets break this down a bit. Try and find a way around this initial cliche.

I see you smiling her

They same way you used to smile at me

Okay, sweety, this is just bad form. Poetry should take more than 30 seconds and a basic, overused reason. Poetry should be hard and it should be difficult to write. It often depicts sad and horrible things but with utmost beauty, and shows beauty in what we wouldn't expect to find beauty. Typos show complete lack of rereading and care for your work when you should be revising and cultivating. And cultivating is so very necessary.

My heart aches every time

But you don't care about me anymore

I cried every night waiting

Waiting in the cold for you

Now we're moving into the thick cliche of the poem. You throw the reader into this head first with your malice and your anger, so much so that we drown in it. A good poet lets us dip our toes in first and foremost so that the words don't become painful. Don't because pretentious.

And that's where poetic device comes in. Metaphor, imagery, all those words you're used to overhearing in any English class. It is so absolutely important that you use these things to capture the beauty of the situation with words rather than simply stating. Draw parallels. For instance, speak about your heart aching as a if being frozen.

Ex. "I have not moved, not a single motion, for the steps in which you left me, you evil wintry temptress, who blows and bellows and spews your icy words that slay me. That freeze me. That freezes my boiling, passionate blood."

As you can see, I didn't say anything about being left in the cold or having my heart broken. I used images that depict what I wanted to say rather than simply stating it. And that's where the beauty lies, my dear.

Now, there is one other thing I would like to note upon before I move on from this. After all, I've given you quite a lot of ponder on, if you wish to continue poetry and keep such a fire alive. I would love to see that most of all. In any case, you did a rather amateur mistake. You contradicted yourself.

I am happy you did this to me

I gained experience

As you see above, you state that it is a good thing this happened to you. That you learned something. And yet, you end your poem with this;

But I have learned from my mistake

because you hurt me beyond repair

If you are hurt beyond repair, how can you repair yourself enough to learn? To change? You know better now, yes? So then, does that not mean that you are hurt only enough to know you can't make the same mistakes again? This line is melodramatic and overly pretentious, so I'm not all that sure if I'm a big fan of it. And sweetheart, its not always about those heavy hitting lines and those moments of power. If you don't have a good foundation, you'll never get to have those lines. And those lines will come.

I think you're on the right track. You have a good start here. Its merely a matter of working hard and keeping up with it. Poetry is not easy and should not be seen as prose. For that, I can understand why its so hard to grasp and understand. I, myself, am still struggling with poetry and trying to understand poetry, but I love it, and I love everything about it. You just need to keep it up.

And I believe you can. I don't doubt that in the least.

I want to see you grow. We've got the start. Just keep pushing it and you'll be writing like a true poet in no time at all. PM me if you have any questions, want to clear anything up, or simply want another review. I'm up for all three options!

~Walker