Oblong Houses

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On the swings kicking
higher and higher, gazelle legs
running into the sun and surf
fast enough to fly--
almost, she thinks—

or wandering the streets
of a too-small town,
oblong houses closing in like
a winter’s night

except taller,
and at the end
of town a too-small lake
hitting the shore
like an ocean

except that it’s not the same at all.
Last edited by BluesClues on Wed Oct 12, 2011 11:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Not sure I'm grasping the winter's night simile, but overall this is a charming poem. I'll come back for more, perhaps. :)
Last edited by inkwell on Wed Oct 12, 2011 7:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." — Einstein




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This is a strange kind of poem, as it was a very short poem it just adds the mystery around it

I enjoy poem's such as these as it is very different to many other poems, which are mostly about self expression.
A Poet such as myself writes about past and present experiences so when reading poems of such a different nature
just goes to show how broad and beautiful the English language is.




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Spoiler
bumped so you might get another review :)


On the swings kicking
higher and higher, gazelle legs
running into the sun and surf



This image is fantastic. The lines' rhythm swings you up and suspends you with "gazelle legs" and you get that free movement in the horizon that's so beautiful and evocative.

fast enough to fly
almost, she thinks—


I think there needs to be a pause before "almost" because your pace/rhythm needs to slow down, be more thoughtful. With no pause after fly it all kind of rolls out and gives the impression of panic. Love that you use an m dash though, people seem to not appreciate its difference.

or wandering the streets
of a too-small town,
claustrophobic
oblong houses closing in like
a winter's night


Here I find the use of "claustrophobic" as redundant, it's already expressed through the too-small town, and the fact that they're closing in, so there's no reason to explicitly tell the reader how you feel. Once again I'm not grasping the analogy of a winter's night. Interesting, but perhaps not effective in a poem of such brevity.

and a lake hitting the shore
like an ocean


You sneak this in here and it feels underdeveloped, like a passing thought that got tacked on. I would suggest cutting it and working the last two lines together, or developing that stanza further.

Overall the only thing that could have been improved is your cohesiveness. It's not "the same" as what? It's easy to see this poem as disparate, since your last line fails to meaningfully tie it together. On the plus side this was well written, with the grammatical polish that always lures me in. Your tone was smooth and the imagery from the first stanza, at least, has a lasting impact.

EDIT: Your changes are a good start, I'm giving you a like just for the fact that you're trying to improve. Don't use double n dashes though! "––" use this: —
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." — Einstein



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