Soulmates

Prologue

The little girl was afraid. She had never seen a gun in real life before, only on television or the fake silver ones that you sometimes get with fancy dress cowboy outfits. She also thought that she’d never seen anyone so angry before either.
The tighter that she held onto her mothers’ hand, the more she could stop herself from sobbing loudly; otherwise the man would shout at her again and point the gun in her face, and that scared her even more. She wished she was holding her fathers hand too, only he was stood in front of her and her mother, shielding them from the gunman with his body.
“Do you want your little girl to die? I can put a bullet straight through her pretty little head if I have to, so give me the goddamn money!” The man spoke with hate, with venom, and he had the most terrifying, menacing voice the little girl had ever known. With each word he breathed she felt more and more frightened.
She wanted to be back home, holding her baby brother in her arms and singing to him. He had just been born, and she believed she was the happiest and luckiest little girl on the planet. Their aunty Jennifer was babysitting whilst they had all been to the dentist, and now they were at the bank.
The gunman thrust his gun into the air and fired a shot, causing plaster to scatter down onto the floor. The little girl screamed, unable to stop herself. A few other people let out sobs and pleas too.
The man was making her father get the money for him, but the little girl did not know why he couldn’t just get it himself and leave her father alone.
“Daddy!” She sobbed once, but her mother pulled her tightly against her hip and told her to shush.
“Just do what he says Gerry.” She hissed, but her voice shook with fear.
“The money, now!” Her father began to load money into a bag, the shaking of his hands matching the frantic pace of her heartbeat.
As soon as all the money had been placed in the bag, the gunman rushed to the door. In the same moment the little girl's mother dropped to her knees beside her and held her tightly to her chest.
The man turned back once more, meeting the little girl's eyes over her mothers shoulder with a sinister smile, and then he raised the gun, his eyes glinting behind his black mask, and fired two more shots.
“Lizzie!” With a last gasp, the little girl's mother dropped to the floor next to her husband. Lizzie glanced down at the blood on her pretty blue summer dress, and screamed.

Spoiler

(It's the beginning of the story, and the next part jumps ahead to her teen years. Basically this is a flashback!)

Hi I'm here to review this well done piece of writing

First off I think you are a wonderful writer! Well done writing this! The beginning was a little hard for me to understand as I didn't know the setting.

Alright so here we go!

Mistakes
Didn't really see any as far as grammar is concerned!
Nice Job!!

Descriptions
I think in some parts of the story such as the beginning you could have added a little bit more describing since we only knew a gunman was pointing the gun at them. I wasn't really sure where the story was taking place till what looks like the third paragraph. Also at the end I'm not sure who got shot? Was it the dad or the mom? I might be the only person who probably won't figure out who got shot...

Character Descriptions
As far as describing your character and how she feels I think you did an overall good Job with it!!

Plot
As of right now, I am not sure where the plot with this story is going but I am really looking forward to the next story you write about this. I know right now that this is the Prologue.

All in all I think you did a really good job! I was completely into the story from the beginning.
Please tell me on my profile wall when the next one is out!!

Your friend R.W

Hello there!

First off, I'd like to say that you have the potential for a great story here. Characters must be highly motivated in order to make the book interesting, and I think that the situation you've described in this part of your story would definitely produce some motivation. If the plot stays strong like this first part throughout the entire story, it should prove to be an interesting read.

That being said, I'm not exactly sure I like how you told the story. Although I understood what was happening to your character, I didn't feel drawn into this story. I think this stems from the story needing more detail.

The man turned back once more, meeting the little girl's eyes over her mothers shoulder with a sinister smile, and then he raised the gun, his eyes glinting behind his black mask, and fired two more shots.

This paragraph is a good example. All you do in this paragraph is describe what the gunman did without telling me much else. Instead of just understanding what the character did, I want to know what emotions his actions provoked. I want to know more about how the little girl felt. In other words, you need to make me care about and identify with the characters.

So, my advice to you is to go back over this piece and think about what you're writing and how it will affect me, the reader. Don't just tell the story's skeleton. Elaborate! Although I already like the beginning of your story, I would adore it if it were changed just a little in the right ways.

Always keep writing!

-Rose

Thanks for the review!
It may seem a little confusing, but I've written a lot more of the story and it becomes first person, it's about the girl herself and it's not at all how the story begins. I'll post more when I can to give you an example!