Crimson Heroes: The Silver Hero- Chapter 5

Chapter 5
The next morning Hal and I walked to the kingdom’s port. The gorgeous waters seemed to gleam with hope. I never understood why, but I enjoyed staring at lakes and seas.
There was a docked boat probably big enough to fit around ten people. It was the right size for our expedition. I saw the other five kids arrive with their parents. I looked up at Hal. He felt like a parent… to a certain level. It’s not like I knew my dad to compare him to Hal, anyway. I guess it was safe to say Hal felt like a dad.
I still wish my mom had come to see me off, or something. She was probably still mad because I took this job. I don’t know who wasn’t, though.
Everyone seemed to still glare at me, except the freckled kid.
“Hal,” I asked. “Why does no one seem to like me?”
“No idea,” Hal said. “In fact, I was just thinking the same thing. Well, the blaze eater doesn’t seem to mind you. You know, King Lucius is a blaze eater. I think he also mentioned once that he was another job, but I can’t put my mind on it.”
The parents kissed their children on the cheek and left, saying some take off words to them. The dusk killer and the dawn knight looked like they blushed at each other.
“Hal,” I said. I didn’t know if he was starting to get irritated because he held no emotion on his face, so I went on. “What are the other kids’ names?”
Hal appeared to be thinking about something. Then he leaned over to speak to me. “That one,” he pointed at the dusk killer. “That one is Sam.” He pointed at the girl standing next to him. “That’s Rose.” Then he pointed at the blaze eater and said, “That’s Jack.” He pointed at the ice warrior and said, “That’s Maddi.” Then last he pointed at the sky breaker. “That is the sky breaker, Tom. His real name is Thomas, but don’t ever call him that, he gets mad. He says it’s because his father’s name was Thomas, and he hated his father. Apparently the man didn’t treat his family very well.”
“I wish I knew my dad,” I said kind of depressed. Hal looked at me and saw the sorrow in my eyes. I didn’t know what Hal thought of, if he knew my dad or not. I sort of still believed he was my dad, but that would be too easy. The boat honked a huge horn as if letting us know it’s time to get on.
Hal laid a hand on my shoulder again and we both walked onto the boat. All of the parents watched and cried as their children boarded the boat. I heard sometimes people never came back from a hunt. This wasn’t even a hunt, this was an expedition.
As I looked back I saw the sun starting to rise. The weather was silent, yet the currents were strong. The cool breeze brushed against my face. The hair picked up the hair from the girl named Maddi. Her brown eyes were so soft. Her eyes shut and tears fell from her lids. Her mom and dad turned and walked away. She had a lot of beauty. In the gleam of the rays I could’ve sworn I saw my mom, tears on her cheek while she smiled. I would see her again. I couldn’t leave her alone forever. I was coming back.

There were ten rooms on the boat. The boat looked brand new. There was paint that wasn't even dry on some places yet. "Hal, is this boat new?" I asked. "Yes," he responded. "In fact, it was made yesterday." He smiled and turned to talk to the captain. The winds started to pick up and rip at the sail. The chains holding the boat intact began to rattle.
I was assigned to room 6, where I sat on the bed and waited for further instructions.
I couldn’t bring myself to sleep. I was scared. It was a good scared though, if that makes any sense.
I looked in the mirror and saw a new me, a better me. I noticed my normally dark hair brighten a little. I noticed my eyes grow a small gleam into them. I smiled a little.
Confidence.
There was a light knock on my door. Hal walked in and sat on the bed next to me. He looked like he was about to say something, but he hesitated. I was the first one to speak.
“I don’t feel like I belong here, Hal. The other kids don’t seem to like me.”
Hal rubbed his chin and thought about what to say in response. Finally he said something, “Sometimes it’s hard to make friends when they don’t really know you that well. The best thing I would try is prove that you’re not just some kid that got stuck with them. Prove you’re worth something to this team, they’ll come around.”
I thought about what he said. Then Hal spoke again, “I remember my first hunt. It was a lot like yours.”
“None of the other kids liked you?”
“No,” he said.
“Oh.” I was beginning to lose interest.
“No, by that time I already showed the other kids that I was something. See, my first hunt was the same because I felt scared. I was afraid to leave my mother alone, because she didn’t want me to go on the hunt. I, too, lost my father at an early age.”
“I didn’t lose my father,” I exclaimed.
“Pardon?”
“My dad is still out there somewhere. I just have to find him,” I said with confidence.
“You have spirit, Drake,” he said. “I like that about you. I didn’t have that when I was your age. That’s what makes us different.”
There was a moment of silence as we both absorbed all we learned.
“Just… talk to the others,” he suggested rising from the bed. “I’m sure they’ll get to like you soon enough.” Then it was just myself in my room.

Hi there,

I'm impressed. You have written this chapter in an angle that mixes both the plot progress and emotional development. That's a hard thing to do, and I'm glad you found a way to bring the characters a little closer emotionally.

Alright, let's springboard into the review,

Mistakes

He felt like a parent… on some level.

Say, "to a certain level"

I still wish my mom would come to see me off, or something.

As she doesn't come at a later time, change this to "I still wish my mom had come to see me off or something"

tear on her cheek while she smiled.

"tears"

Finally he said something, “Sometimes it’s hard to make...

No need of "something"

Prove you’re worth something to this team, they’ll come around.”

Write this as, "Prove that you're worth something to this team, and then, they'll come around"

See, my first hunt was the same because I felt scared. I was afraid to leave my mother alone, because she didn’t want me to go on the hunt. I, too, lost my father at an early age.”

I can see that you are trying to equate the two people with similar experiences, but don't make the two exactly the same. Yes, Hal had lost his father, while Drake believes that his father is still alive. But nevertheless, it's still a lot similar. Add to the description told by a Hal, a little more, so that the two stories won't be exactly the same.

I saved this for last, because I'm still confused,

About the Ship / Boat. At the start of the story, you mention this,

There was a docked boat probably big enough to fit around ten people.

And my mind immediately imagined this as a boat with a few seats around the deck with sails and a mast. But then, you mention this,

There were ten rooms on the ship. I was assigned to room 6, where I sat on the bed and waited for further instructions.

Now, here you mention a ship with rooms and I got really confused about the fact you wanted to show. Is it a boat or a ship? I'm guessing you wanted to say that this was a ship, so change the first sentence I mention so that the readers are not confused.

Plot

As it haven't actually progressed that much, I won't comment but I do like the approach you are taking to the development of the plot. The slow and steady route keeps the reader's interest well balanced. Keep it up.

Description

Descriptions you wrote in this chapter is better than the previous ones, and I could somehow imagine the setting in which the events in the chapter are taking place. But you can do even better. Sneak in a few sentences about ship, about the weather, and all those random things that a reader can use to really be in that chapter along with the characters. It might seem senseless to add random and useless bits about the environment, but trust me, that's what makes the world you create more realistic.

Character Description

I'm still waiting for you to write something about the main character because I still cannot picture him in anyway. Here, I'll mention where you could've added those descriptions.

I looked in the mirror and saw a new me, a better me. I smiled a little.

Here's a major place where you could add a huge amount of physical description. You can tell how his eyes looked like, how his hair is, what he was wearing. Generally, it's these tiny bits that make your character real. And it doesn't need be a direct bio-data sheet either. Pick out the places that seem natural to add the descriptions and add some key characteristics. But don't overdo it. Because when your character sees himself in a mirror, he doesn't always look at every feature of him. So, be subtle when adding them. Also, you don't need to do it in every chapter. One place in a single chapter is enough. But sneakily emphasizing some key characteristic, makes the reader remember the character a lot more.

For example, If you've read Harry Potter, J. K. Rowling, emphasized Harry's green eyes he inherited from her mother and the jet black hair from his father, in almost every book she wrote. So, the readers tend to remember those characteristics a lot more than usual.

Overall

It's was a good chapter, and the emotional connection you added does well for the story. So, well done.

Good luck. I hope to read the next chapters as well.

-C-