The Massiveness of How Sad It Is to Want Someone (3)

[DELETED]

Hey!!

This Chapter is really really good! I like the way it starts off by describing everything bit by bit. also the descriptions are perfect, I couldn't have gotten a clearer image in my mind if you hadn't described everything the way you did. Honestly I don't know hwy you go on and on about needing to improve, I wish I was half the writer you are!

I like how you use the plant as an example of how something is growing between Levi and Elise (is that correct?) It gives good imagery.

The best part for me was when (was it Elise or Justine?) Anyway when one of the girls told the nurse that they actually care about their friend, that's something that I don't see often in novels where hospitals are involved, no one seems to stand up for themselves against the staff that are telling them they can't be with their loved ones in their time of need. Glad to see you broke that habit!

Overall the plot is amazing, the story is great and the characters are well thought out! I can't wait to see the next chapter.

Keep up the good work!

~~Destiny110

Hola,

There really isn't much for me to say here unless you want twelve paragraphs of fangirl gushing. Maybe because it's 11am and that's the earliest I've been awake in months, so my head might be a little weird right now, but this read basically, perfect to me.

thatoddkid wrote:Minor cuts and bruises like pencil scratches and eraser smudges are all over his body--a small mistake here and a tiny one there, mark them out, erase them, learn…

I love this sentence so much and I like it ending with 'learn' as in learn from your mistakes, but I don't like the ellipses much.

thatoddkid wrote:and she walks over and presses her the side of her face against the side of his.

This sounds really awkward. So, she goes to where he's lying down and pushes her face against his? o.0

thatoddkid wrote:I look down at her, and I can see her love.
As she runs her fingers through his hair, I can also see his love, peeking out between fair strands. It shines of gold and crystal, a band around a slender finger.

I love the first sentence but to be honest, I don't really understand where Levi is seeing his love. Is it in his hair?
I'm a complete idiot, of course it's a ring, an engagement type one I'm assuming. Damn, you're brilliant.

Neither did Zach--but he already knew I loved him. And he loved me back, but how he loved, it was different from how I loved him; it was all affection and tenderness, it was daisies and warmth. It was soft.

Wait, when I think of Levi's way of loving, it's all sunshine and soft kisses, so how is that different from Zach's way of loving? Maybe this will be explained in the future.

"Can't you see he cares?! I care! More than you with your dumb Looney Tunes scrubs and fucking happy attitude!"

Alright, I've had my doubts about Elise, but I've changed my mind, I love her.

No, I keep walking, out of this place where people come to heal and leave or die and leave but where Zach is stuck between healing and dying and can't leave either way. He's suspended, a fiery meteor hovering between sun and sea, burning and burning, and he can't be extinguished in the water or obliterated in the sun; no, he's in-between and can only wait until his flames have consumed him and there is nothing left but ashes.

That's so good. I'm so ridiculously jealous of you.

Anyway, you know you're a fantastic writer so I'm not going to gush on how amazing everything was, but I think this was one of your much better chapters and while I love the flashbacks, I feel like the writing in this one reminds me more of the first chapter where Levi tries to kill himself. Maybe it's because this chapter is full of grief and you write grief stupendously well, but there was something in this that the last two chapters didn't have.

Grade: A++++++++ x1000

PM me with questions, comments and to answer my questions. :p

~jas

Your description work is glorious. It really is. You spend so much time and patience on those little details that we get the full scope of exactly what you want to get across, and though the dialogue has been few and far between, we already know a great deal about Levi and about the other characters in his life. That's a gift.

Now, as far as this chapter goes, I think my big problem lies with Elise. With how she treated the nurse. Now, I suppose I shouldn't be all that surprised as it seems that you want to bring out the sharper, more bitter side of the girl, but from what I've seen, you've given her a rather motherly, nurturing attitude. One in which comes across as making her seem one way, and when those words are spoken, we find ourselves running down a completely different track. I'm unsure if this was because you didn't want her to be motherly or not, but that first impression was a strong one, and one in which I found to be quite clever on your part.

In any case, I still love Levi. I see Brady in him more and more everyday.

Now, as a whole, I find the idea that he ended up in a hospital quite ironic, whether or not he was admitted into it. After all, he had just recently experienced some extreme blood loss and was not - though probably should have been - taken to see a doctor and or to get stitched up. He should have been a lot weaker, and though he had rest, it all seemed kind of fuzzy on the whole that Elise did not seek medical attention.

That being said, maybe I'm over-thinking this, but I feel that it could have used more time. Like a couple days span, maybe.

Other than that, you amaze me. Really, beyond words. You amaze me constantly. <3

~Walker

Hey oddkid!

Sorry I haven't been following this as closely as I would have liked. Life got in the way, but I'm here now!

Being away from your writing and then coming back, only cements to me how much I love your writing. Too much flowery imagery distracts me from what's going on normally, but you have such a way with it that it only helps me to focus on the story more. The scene is so clear in my head that it's almost as if I'm watching a film rather than reading.

The character's are so real sounding, and I really am loving Levi more and more as I read on. He's got so many human qualities to him that, for a written character, he seems completely real, like he's the one writing this instead of being the protagonist in someone elses story.

walks over and presses her the side of her face against the side of his.

You don't need the first 'her'

You know, I always feel completely useless when it comes to reviewing your work, but getting the chance to praise you makes me smile. I just wish you really understood how awesomely talented you are <3

xDudettex