Seed Chapter 1 Part 1

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6717
Reviews 100
Please rip this apart. Much love, Stela

Spoiler
No vampires here.




Why was I in the portrait room? It was the coldest, most eerie room in the whole mansion. And it was so dark here right now. I was terrified. I had no idea how I got to it in the first place, just that I was here. I shivered in my nightgown, a reflection of both the fear and sudden coldness that engulfed me. Noticing an eerie glow, I looked up at the source. It was at the very end of the long corridor like room I was in. My curiosity got the best of me, even though my whole being was revolting against my every movement towards the intruding glow. What was that? What was it doing there, in this world perfectly devout of the unusual?

As I approached the figure, it appeared to be that of a young girl. A girl that was familiar from the many portraits in this room, in fact. Was that not Adelaide Cot? The woman who first moved on Cot Island all these years ago? But she did not look like the proud woman from the portrait, instead she looked…fragile. As she turned to face me, I was taken aback by the frightening resemblance between the two of us. We both had the same thick brown hair and piercing blue eyes, coupled by skin which was much too pale to be considered beautiful, with plump lips devout of almost any color, save for a light shade of pink. She looked tired, though, like she’d waited for a long time. But as soon as she fixed her eyes on me, she smiled. Then, she proceeded to smile at me.

‘This belongs to you.’ She said, as she undid the necklace around her tiny neck. It was a beautiful jewel- an Alexandrite stone bound in a silver chain. One of the rarest gem stones in the world, with the extraordinary ability to change its colors. Green, the color that it was now, represented good luck, which prompted me to reach out and take it. The moment that I took it, it changed to red! I dropped it immediately. Adelaide looked at me and smiled:

‘Do not be afraid, Cordelia. This belongs to you.’

But red! Red means misfortune, trouble! I thought as my heart beat in my chest wildly. Then, a man appeared. He looked pained, as he took his seat next to Adelaide. They were both so young and beautiful with their snow white skin and thick brown locks of hair that fell long behind both their backs.

The man’s eyes were transfixed on the stone. It was as though he could not notice anything else, but it.

‘She… is the seed.’ He whispered and looked at me. His eyes were the most peculiar shade of emerald green. He glared at me with such hate, that he seemed to pierce me with his eyes. And then I started screaming, because all of a sudden, I felt the most agonizing, burning pain shoot through my body.

It was then that I woke up, covered in cold sweat.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 9739
Reviews 233
Hi Stela,

Well, I'm intrigued. This story seems mysterious enough to catch my attention and I do hope you intend to continue it. Okay, let's dive into the review,

Mistakes

I had no idea how I got to it in the first place

Correct this to, "I had no idea how I got here in the first place"

a reflection of both the fear and sudden coldness that engulfed me.

"The" sudden coldness that "had" engulfed me.

Noticing an eerie glow,

Don't use eerie for the second time. Try using a different word, like "odd" or "strange"

As I approached the figure, it appeared to be that of a young girl.

As you used the word "glow" before, don't change it to "figure" now. Say it as, "As I approached the source of light, it materialized into the form of a young girl."

But as soon as she fixed her eyes on me, she smiled. Then, she proceeded to smile at me.

I'm sure you didn't mean to say "smile" two times so correct it.

I thought as my heart beat in my chest wildly.

The words flow better when written like, "I thought as my heart beat wildly in my chest"

Plot

I have to say, you enraptured me with your plot. It seemed mysterious enough to be interesting and was intricately written so as to spark the interest in the readers. I'm not going into the plot it self because the chapter is too small for me to comprehend it, but I have a feeling that it is a cleverly devised plot.

Description

Good description I must say. A lot of times I read stories where you have to invent the descriptions that the writer wanted us to imagine, but you have given just right amount of description to make the reader imagine exactly what you want them to imagine. Good work

Character Description

Hmm, I don't know much about the main character because, from what I gathered, we are in her dream, but make sure to add a physical description about the main character in subtle ways so, that the readers will know how the character you created looks like. But be careful when inserting those descriptions. Don't make them direct. Write them so that the description flows with the story.

You did portray the emotional descriptions rather well. I could exactly feel how your character feels, the cold environment, the frightening atmosphere, yes you have elaborated on those and it is pretty good.

Title

Same as the plot, I know almost nothing about the plot so, I'm guessing the title has a some connection to the plot, so I'm not going to comment on it

On the overall look, a great story and I'm looking forward to reading the next parts.

Good luck :D

-CH-
Warden: "If you want to lead, all you have to do is ask."
Alistair: "What? Lead? Me? No, no, no. No leading. Bad things happen when I lead. We get lost, people die, and the next thing you know I'm stranded somewhere without any pants."
- Dragon Age

Need a review?




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 899
Reviews 11
I think you really have a way with words because from the moment i started reading was hooked like i wanted to know what was happening. I really think that this story could turn to be something special.
He who is without sin may cast the first stone.
~John 8:7



Maybe we're all just complex human beings with skewed perceptions of each other.
— Ventomology