Shoalmain's Princess {I}

As I've said before, I can't stayed focused on a novel to long. This has been cooking in my mind for awhile, and I think I may actually finish it. And surprisingly, I wrote almost three chapters before I decided to post... See spoiler below for some awesome news!

Spoiler

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Shoalmain's Princess
I:


Amira stood looking out over the dirt road bellow her, leaning over the railing of the balcony.
"I don't see him!" Aleda, Amira's younger sister burst out, as she peeked through the stone bars.

"Now Little Sparrow, is that anyway to be patient as Mother said?" Amira chided, looking down at the little girl, whose light red hair was glittering with sandstone dust.

Aleda blushed and shook her head, leaning back to look up and Amira. "I'm sorry Mira. I just haven't seen him in so long! I miss him!"
"I know, I miss him too."

The two of them fell silent keeping their eyes, so much alike, trained on the highway.

"There he is!" Aleda squealed, jumping up and down, and yanking at Amira's skirts.
"I know. Come on my little bird, we'll go and greet him."
~
Though Amira was only fourteen, she was like a mother to Aleda, and now, standing outside the courtyard, she fixed Aleda with a hard stare.

"Now, I know we haven't seen him in a while, but we have to hold ourselves properly. Show him how much you've grown.

Aleda nodded seriously, and let go of Amira's skirts, running across the court yard. "I've missed you!" she yelled, throwing herself at the man standing beside a black horse.

"I've missed you too, Little Sparrow."

He walked over to where Amira was standing and embraced her, still holding Aleda with arm. "Come let's go in and talk properly."

Amira followed him into the cooler outer chamber, thinking how much she had missed her twin brother, Alvar.
~
"Yes," Alvar said, leaning back against the chaise lounges back. "It twas a rough journey."

He turned to Amira, fixing her with a stare as cold as ice. "I want to take you back with me."
"Take me back?" Amira's heart was rising in her throat, "Why would you?"

"The King and Queen have called me into service. They want me to serve in the militia. I asked if I may bring you with me. To become a lady of the court. It would benefit this family so much Mira."

Amira's heart was pulsing so fast, she felt faint. "Go to the palace? Live there?" she said, unable to believe it.

He nodded, still look uncertain at what she would say.
"I don't know Var. It's not very easy to make such a decision..."

His face became hard, as it always had when he was determined. "You can't tarry over this. It’s either yes or no."

Amira stood up, looking at him with the same hard look. "You can't make me, at this second pick up and leave my home. There are things to take into account. Bird for instance."

Aleda looked up, and fixed Amira with a one raised eyebrow look. "You want to stay here because of me? Starting to laugh, Aleda stood up and knelt at Amira's knee. "Don't give up this for me. Just don't. I can take care of myself, I'm not a baby anymore."

"I know Little Bird." Amira stroked Aleda's hair, thinking hard.

Twas true that if she went with Alvar, it would help out a home. It was no secret that they didn't have as much money as their mother wanted, but on the other hand, who would look after the house, the slaves and all the others? Amira's mother sat in bed all day, moaning, and eating. Amira's Father was never home and all the responsibility had fallen on Amira's shoulders at a very early age.

What would happen to the manor without her there?
But on the other hand, how could she refuse?

"Okay Alvar. I'll go with you."

Alvar jumped up and started dancing. "You’re wonderful Mira. You won't regret this. I promise."
~
Amira leaned over the small trunk she had been supplied with and the clothes that were spread out on her pallet. Fine new clothes, not made by her own hand, but by a seamstress.
"It’s all so new and pretty!" she said to Aleda, who was sitting on a stool in the corner, bending over some white linen.
"Mhmm." Aleda said faintly, nodding.

Amira picked up a lilac shift and held it up to her, looking at herself in the mirror. "If this," she picked at the fabric, silk. "Is traveling ware, what’s dinner ware?" she giggled, drunk on all the new things, and folded the dress placing it carefully in the trunk.

Aleda sighed with delight and stood up, holding out the white linen. Stitched in the corner was an angel, dressed in a pale blue dress, with dark curls and pale blue wings. "That’s you!" she said happily. "Me?" Amira looked at herself, dressed in a plain, stained brown work dress.
"I don't see what you see Aleda. But, as always, you're probably right. Thank you. I love it."

Amira looked thoughtfully at her Little Bird, thinking of how, when Aleda was only five she had claimed there were dragons in the cave outside the manor. Or when there were elves in the bathing pool.

"Amira, look!" Aleda picked up a glass hair-band, covered in tiny, blue glass flowers, and green leaves that were so small Amira could barely see them. "Isn't it enchanting?" Aleda looked at it in wonderment. "Put it on."

Amira sighed and took the head-piece, and walked to the looking glass, fixing it into her dark locks.

"Beautiful!" Aleda shouted, dancing around with the light footsteps only she had. "Just beautiful."

Amira, blushing with the praise, pulled it out of her hair and set it carefully on the bedside table.

Aleda wrapped her arms around Amira and hugged her. "You’re so pretty Amira. Just like the fairy--" she stopped and blushed.

Amira, puzzled, hugged her back. "Thank you Little Bird. I appreciate it."

And with that, they turned back to packing.

Hello, Llama!
Very good beginning. Your characters work very well together, and you set the premise nicely.
The first thing I noticed was that you used the phrase "fixed her with a hard look/stare." I would suggest diversifying that a bit.
Nitpicks:

Amira stood looking out over the dirt road bellow her, leaning over the railing of the balcony.

Technically, you need a comma before "looking," but that doesn't really look right, does it? How would you feel about rearranging the sentence by putting the last participial phrase at the beginning: "Leaning over the railing of the balcony, Amira looked out over the dirt road below her."

Aleda, Amira's younger sister burst out, as she peeked through the stone bars.

Comma after "sister" and no comma after "out."

"Now Little Sparrow, is that anyway

Comma after "now" and I think "any way" should be two words in this context.

"I'm sorry Mira.

You should always have a comma before(and after, if the sentence continues) a noun in the appositive.

"I know, I miss him too."

This is a comma splice. You can either change that to a period or a semicolon.

The two of them fell silent keeping their eyes, so much alike, trained on the highway.

Comma after "silent." I like the way you slip in the information about how similar their eyes are without dedicating a whole sentence to it. Nice. Also, you said "dirt road" earlier, and when I think of a highway, I picture a paved road with lanes.

"There he is!" Aleda squealed, jumping up and down, and yanking at Amira's skirts.

Aww. She reminds me of my little sister. No comma before "and yanking."

Aleda nodded seriously, and let go of Amira's skirts,

When you have a compound sentence, it's sometimes difficult to decide whether or not you need a comma. The basic rule of thumb is when each part of the sentence can stand by itself, you need a comma. (Ex: "I love dancing pink elephants, and I use them a lot." If you cover up the "and," both clauses are complete. However, if I said "I love dancing pink elephants and use them a lot," the second clause is incomplete, so no comma. )

"Come let's go in and talk properly."

You need to separate "come." The best way would be with a period, but you can also use a dash.

Alvar said, leaning back against the chaise lounges back.

This phrase got me a little tongue-tied. I think it's the two "back"s. Maybe just "leaning agains the chaise lounge's back."

He turned to Amira, fixing her with a stare as cold as ice.

Why?

Amira's heart was rising in her throat. Period, not a comma "Why would you?"

I asked if I may bring you with me. To become a lady of the court.

This should be one sentence, unless you were trying to separate his speech.

It would benefit this family so much Mira.

Comma before Mira.

He nodded, still look uncertain atas to what she would say.

"I don't know Var.

Comma before "Var."

His face became hard, as it always haddid when he was determined.

You can't make me, at this second pick up and leave my home.

The wording of this sort of confused me. Maybe "You can't make me pick up and leave my home at a second's notice." I don't know. It's up to you.

"You want to stay here because of me? Starting to laugh, Aleda stood up

Don't forget your closing quotation marks.

Aleda stood up and knelt at Amira's knee.

I can take care of myself, I'm not a baby anymore."

Another comma splice.

"I know Little Bird."

Comma before "Little Bird."

Amira's mother sat in bed all day, moaning, and eating.

You don't need that last comma.

Amira's Father was never home and all the responsibility had fallen on Amira's shoulders at a very early age.

Comma before "and all the responsibility"

Alvar jumped up and started dancing.

I loved this! I didn't take him for the dancing type.

Amira leaned over the small trunk she had been supplied with and the clothes that were spread out on her pallet.

This last section really confused me. I assumed she was at the palace, but then her little sister was there. Who supplied her with the trunk? Did Alvar bring it home with him? Was it sent to them? I'm befuddled.

Fine new clothes, not made by her own hand, but by a seamstress.

I don't think you need either of the commas here. Also to keep the structure, make "Seamstress's" plural.

"Mhmm." Aleda said faintly, nodding.

The first period should be a comma.

"If this," she picked at the silk fabric, silk, "is traveling ware, what’s dinner ware?" She giggled, drunk on all the new things, and folded the dress, placing it carefully in the trunk.

Stitched in the corner was an angel, dressed in a pale blue dress, with dark curls and pale blue wings.

You don't need the second comma, and you describe two things as pale blue. You might differentiate. Maybe one is more of a pearl blue. I don't know...

"That’s you!" she said happily. "Me?"

I would put everything after "happily" on the next line.

I don't see what you see Aleda.

Comma before "Aleda."

Amira looked thoughtfully at her Little Bird, thinking of how, when Aleda was only fiveat age five, sheAleda had claimed

Aleda picked up a glass hair-band, covered in tiny, blue glass flowers, and green leaves that

No comma before "and green leaves."

Just like the fairy--" she stopped and blushed.

Hmm...mysterious.

Overall, I loved the way your characters play off each other. You establish their personalities without bluntly telling us. You description is subtle, yet it gets the picture across. All of my wording suggestions, etc. are entirely your call. I'm interested to see where you're going with this.
If you have any questions about any of the above, don't hesitate to PM me.
Happy writing!
-Sea-

Awww, looks like Sea beat me to it. But I'll still write what I wanted to write.

Again??? We are totally the same when it comes to doing this. But I know you can't help it-- new ideas just seem so exciting! Anyway, I really liked this new one and I'm waiting for more (please tell me you'll keep posting, don't be like me...). I've come to do the whole nitpicking thing. Though there's not much fault in this. So here goes:

Amira stood looking out over the dirty road bellow her, leaning over the railing of the balcony.

"I don't see him!" Aleda, Amira's younger sister burst out, as she peeked through the stone bars.

"Now, Little Sparrow, is that anyway to be patient as Mother said?" Amira chided, looking down at the little girl, whose light-red hair was glittering with sandstone dust.

Aleda blushed and shook her head, leaning back to look up and Amira. "I'm sorry Mira. I just haven't seen him in so long! I miss him!"

"I know, I miss him too."

The two of them fell silent keeping their eyes, so much alike, trained on the highway.

"There he is!" Aleda squealed, jumping up and down, and yanking at Amira's skirts.

"I know. Come on my little bird, we'll go and greet him."

~

Though Amira was only fourteen, she was like a mother to Aleda, and now, standing outside the courtyard, she fixed Aleda with a hard stare.

"Now, I know we haven't seen him in a while, but we have to hold ourselves properly. Show him how much you've grown."

Aleda nodded seriously, and let go of Amira's skirts, running across the court yard. "I've missed you!" She yelled, throwing herself at the young man standing beside a black horse.

"I've missed you too, Little Sparrow."

He walked over to where Amira was standing and embraced her (here I would add 'with a brotherly hug' because so far it looks as though they're a couple), still holding Aleda with one arm. "Come, let's go in and talk properly."

Amira followed him into the cooler outer chamber, thinking how much she had missed her twin brother, Alvar.

~

"Yes," Alvar said, leaning back against the chaise lounge's back. "It (here it's either 'twas' or 'it was'. You can't use both) twas a rough journey."

He turned to Amira, fixing her with a stare as cold as ice. "I want to take you back with me."

"Take me back?" Amira's heart was rising in her throat, "Why would you?"

"The King and Queen have called me into service. They want me to serve in the militia. I asked if I may bring you with me. To become a lady of the court. It would benefit this family so much, Mira."

Amira's heart was pulsing so fast, she felt faint. "Go to the palace? Live there?" she said, unable to believe it.

He nodded, stillthough he looked uncertain at what she would say.

"I don't know Var. It's not very easy to make such a decision..."

His face became hard, as it always did when he was determined. "You can't tarry over this. It’s either yes or no."

Amira stood up, looking at him with the same hard look. "You can't make me, at this second, pick up and leave my home. There are things to take into account. Bird for instance."

Aleda looked up, and fixed Amira with a one raised eyebrow look. "You want to stay here because of me? Starting to laugh, Aleda stood up and knelt at Amira's knee. "Don't give up thisthis up for me. Just don't. I can take care of myself, I'm not a baby anymore."

"I know, Little Bird." Amira stroked Aleda's hair, thinking hard.

'Twas true that if she went with Alvar, it would help out a home. It was no secret that they didn't have as much money as their mother wanted, but on the other hand, who would look after the house, the slaves and all the others? Amira's mother sat in bed all day, moaning, and eating. Amira's father was never home and all the responsibilities had fallen onto Amira's shoulders at a very early age.

What would happen to the manor without her there?

But on the other hand (you've just used this. Why not use 'nevertheless'?), how could she refuse? (You should add something like 'questions raced around her undecided mind' or something to show us her confusion before she makes her decision...)

"Okay Alvar. I'll go with you."

Alvar jumped up and started dancing. "You’re wonderful Mira. You won't regret this. I promise."

~

Amira leaned over the small trunk she had been supplied with and the clothes that were spread out on her pallet. Fine new clothes, not made by her own hand, but by a seamstress.

"It’s all so new and pretty!" She said to Aleda, who was sitting on a stool in the corner, bending over some white linen.

"Mhmm." Aleda nodded.

Amira picked up a lilac shift and held it up to her, looking at herself in the mirror. "If this," she picked at the fabric, silk, "is traveling ware, what’s dinner ware?" she giggled, drunk on all the new things, and folded the dress placing it carefully in the trunk.

Aleda sighed with delight and stood up, holding out the white linen. Stitched in the corner was an angel, dressed in a pale blue dress, with dark curls and pale blue wings. "That’s you!" she said happily. "Me?" Amira looked at herself, dressed in a plain, stained brown work dress.

"I don't see what you see Aleda. But, as always, you're probably right. Thank you. I love it."

Amira looked thoughtfully at her Little Bird, thinking of how, when Aleda was only five she had claimed there were dragons in the cave outside the manor. Or when there were elves in the bathing pool.

"Amira, look!" Aleda picked up a glass hair-band, covered in tiny, blue glass flowers, and green leaves that were so small Amira could barely see them. "Isn't it enchanting?" Aleda looked at it in wonderment. "Put it on."

Amira sighed and took the head-piece, and walked to the looking glass, fixing it into her dark locks.

"Beautiful!" Aleda shouted, dancing around with the light footsteps only she had. "Just beautiful."

Amira, blushing with the praise, pulled it out of her hair and set it carefully on the bedside table.

Aleda wrapped her arms around Amira and hugged her. "You’re so pretty Amira. Just like the fairy--" she stopped and blushed.

Amira, puzzled, hugged her back. "Thank you, Little Bird. I appreciate it."

And with that, they turned back to their packing.

Once again, this was a really nice piece and it seems to me that you have a great project coming along. Promise me that you'll keep writing because I'm hungry for more!

This is a very good beginning to a story. I like how you made the main character very considerate and almost motherly, yet innocent and young. I enjoyed the dialogue and the affectionate nicknames. These characters are subtly, yet artfully created. Very nicely done.
I'm sorry, but it is a little confusing with such similar names all at once.
And it would be nice if you included the name of the setting, the land, etc.
Are her parents aristocrats? What do they do at the palace? Does her mother play lady-in-waiting to the queen or something? More background. How are the king and queen? What are their names. Are they just rulers? How come her brother was somewhere else and not with his siblings?
Something like that and you're perfect!
Keep up the good work!

Drama! I just read your summary and it sounds like this is my kind of story! Magic shoes? Abandoned towers? I am SO THERE.

I. NITPICKS

Amira stood looking out over the dirt road bellow her, leaning over the railing of the balcony.

I'm big on first lines. Standing and looking aren't very exciting actions. Why don't you begin with the dialogue? Draw us straight in.

"Now Little Sparrow, is that anyway to be patient as Mother said?"

any way

Though Amira was only fourteen, she was like a mother to Aleda,

Don't tell us this. Show it to us through her actions towards her little sister.

It would benefit this family so much Mira."

Commas before names. Remember that and never forget it.

Twas true that if she went with Alvar, it would help out a home.

Twas looks odd out of context.

"Is traveling ware, what’s dinner ware?" she giggled, drunk on all the new things,

wear.

II. DIALOGUE & PACE

For the most part, I like this. As an opening it's strong- you immediately pull us into the story and introduce your characters and situations. Bellissima. Really. So now I just want to look at some smaller issues I have with it.

The dialogue that you do have runs naturally. However! What I'm worried about is just how fast the conversations- and the events that go with them- are passing by. I mean, they say how much they miss him and BOOM there he is. He arrives and BOOM he asks her to the palace. What about the normal everyday questions. What about the twin banter? What you've written is really good, but I feel like it could use a little extra meat- for the sake of both the characters and the pace.

III. OVERALL

Overall, this was a really strong beginning Just a few things that need to be ironed out.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hey there, Spark!

I'm here as promised

So okay, I liked this. I've always wanted to write a fantasy story, but I seem to lack the ability to come up with any decent story lines or characters. You however, seem to be doing just fine.

All the nit-piks have already been pointed out, so I won't bore you by repeating the things I was going to say. I will however, pick up on something that Stella pointed out. She made a really good point when she said about the pacing. Things just seem to be moving too quickly for a first chapter. There's no time for the reader to breathe between scenes. It would be the perfect time for you to give the reader the chance to get to know the characters a little more. Show us how Amira treats Aleda like a daughter, rather than a sister. Show us how close they are just before their brother arrives.

The two of them fell silent keeping their eyes, so much alike, trained on the highway.

"There he is!" Aleda squealed, jumping up and down, and yanking at Amira's skirts.
"I know. Come on my little bird, we'll go and greet him."

Just before the dialogue starts again in the quoted bit above, would be a great time. Add in something about how Amira galnces at Aleda and wonders how grown up she looks, for example. Just something that gives a little space between them wishing he was there, and him arriving.

The names are a bit confusing too, but I guess that's just because this is the first chapter. It'll all become clearer in time.

Overall though, this was a good read It's nice to read something by you again!

xDudettex