Shall We Play a Game?

Dont click the spoiler til after

Spoiler

This poem is about my experience with depression. However do not worry I am way better

Click clock click
The clock goes tick
Drip drop drip
The water goes plip

Eyes opening
wanting to close
listen to the sound
this is how morning goes

Feelings dead
upon my wrist
beads of red
i must resist

Go to school
hide away
avoid the cruel
Keep hate at bay

write some
pop a pill
finally numb
I've had my fill

Goodbye Razor, until then
Tomorrow we will play again.

I really like this peom! The emotions you bring out through your words really penetrate through my skin just like the blade you're describing. It reminds me of a poem I wrote (you can check it out by clicking on the link in my signature -> or just click here.

I just thought you may want to touch up on the following things.

Click clock click
The clock goes tick#FF0000 ">. (Why not put a full stop here? I think it would make more sense.)
Drip drop drip
The water goes plip#FF0000 ">. (Here you could definately do with a full stop.)

Eyes opening
wanting to close#FF0000 ">,
listen to the sound#FF0000 ">-
this is how morning goes

Feelings dead
upon my wrist#FF0000 ">;
beads of red#FF0000 ">,
#FF0000 ">I must resist

Go to school
hide away#FF0000 ">,
avoid the cruel#BF0000 ">,
keep hate at bay#FF0000 ">.

#FF0000 ">Write some
pop a pill#FF0000 ">,
finally numb
I've had my fill#FF0000 ">.

Goodbye Razor,
until then
Tomorrow
we will play again. #FF0000 ">(I'm not too sure about this last stanza. It doesn't seem to make much sense. I think it should be:
Goodbye razor
Until tomorrow.
We shall play again.)

Well, apart from the punctuation, I haven't found much fault in this. The rhythmn and rhyme both added to the gloomy/depression feeling. So well done for this poem- it was entertaining and touching.

Keep writing!

- Mikko.

Wow, this is pretty dark, just how I like it!
I liked you used of rhyming couplets but managed to keep it dark and eerie at the same time. Quite a tricky thing to do. I did notice a bit of personification, but not many similies or metaphors, using a few more of those would make it more interesting. And I liked the introduction with the onomatopeias. Just watch out for capital letters though, although it may not seem to make much of a difference, it does ruin the whole 'mood' when I see a non-capital 'i'.
But overall this was an intriguing piece. Well done!

Thanks so much for the likes ya as far as puncuation I purposely made it that way. But I think I forgot to continue it all the way through. But totally get what you mean-puncuation is not my strong point so if you see any of my posts rip it apart as far as punctuation thanks for the review

Hi Bryn,

This is extraordinarily powerful...The end is absolutely beautiful. It's dark, but that's sorta the point. I'm not one for rhyming poems. However, I think that this is a good instance although not all of your rhymes are strong. It adds to the feeling of a sort of deranged game. This is still missing punctuation, etc. But I think the other reviewers have covered that. While DX didn't like the last stanza, I think that it is perfect...don't change it! It's my favorite part. Overall, very nice work here--I like it a lot.

Sare

Wow! That was quite dark! The reason that I clicked on this poem in the whole forum was because the subtitle was "this could be disturbing to some" (or whatever you wrote) I do like dark and disturbing, I'm striving to make more of my writing like that. The title, too, is sinister. Me gusta mucho
Anyhow, onto the poem - it's a very dark topic. So sorry to hear you went through depression, but relieved to hear that you're all right now Good to write about a very strong personal experience like that, lots of emotion to convey, and that's what I felt in this poem, however brief it was. (A little more detail would have been nice, but I still like it.)
I felt like the rhyming is probably the one weak point of this - I'm not very good at rhyming myself, and although you did a better job than I usually do, I can't really critisize - some of the rhyming did seem a little forced though, detracting from the meaning of the poem, but not much, so don't worry.

Click clock click
The clock goes tick
Drip drop drip
The water goes plip

Hmm, I don't know, but the rhythm of this first stanza didn't quite seem to match that of the other stanzas. And I'm not so hot on the 'water goes plip' either :/ Just an opinion, though.

Eyes opening
wanting to close
listen#FF0000 ">ing to the sound#FF0000 ">s#FF0000 ">(perhaps this will sound a bit better)
this is how morning goes

I really do like this stanza - although I have one question, what sounds are you listening to? Do you intend the reader to know?

Goodbye Razor, until then
Tomorrow we will play again.

I absolutely love this part. Don't change the "goodbye razor tomorrow we will play again bit" but I'm not so sure about the "until then".
Anyway, this was all kind of unfair criticism because after all this poem is close to flawless. Well done, really enjoyed it!