I definitely did not hate this but you were right, I didn't love it. I liked it, very much, but was it love? no.
However, I think that can change. Work on the football game. I honestly had to read that like four times to really understand it. At first, I thought you were talking about sex. Then I thought you were talking about Angel beating up Levi. Then I was just confused. Then I got it.
I've told you how brilliant your metaphors are, but this one extended too far. It was confusing and I think you took us too far from reality, for too long, to understand what you were trying to say. I get it, Levi's all poetic and shit but it's just...too much, ya know?
I loved the peeping Tom moment Levi had but I think you should up his jealousy. Like, a lot. He's seeing the first person he's ever had a sexual relationship with make-out 'passionately' (more on that later) with his girlfriend while telling her that he loves her and treating her like she's important. I know I'd be jealous. I know I'd want to slam Mia's head into a damn locker. Saying Levi felt a sting of jealousy, likes it's a mosquito bite or rubbing alcohol on a paper cut is not enough.
Does Angel really have to give her a passionate kiss? Ugh. I hate that word. It seems that passionate is the only word writers can use to describe making out that's less than gentle even though they sound like they're writing bad erotica novels. Mer, it's just a nit-picky thing.
Ahhhhh, so I've been pretty harsh in this review but here's what I love. AH ANGEL I LOVE HIM. Well, no, I hate him for doing [blank] to Levi's dick but still I LOVE HIM. He's so smart and it's great to read about a jock who knows what the word crucial means and who isn't a dumb blonde shitter who can only think of footballs and boobs.
Eh, the end. It's okay. I think you ended this too soon. I'm having the same problem with TSBI; nothing's really happening in the story, like yeah we see our characters developing and drop in some nice metaphors and a couple of curses, but the plot isn't really moving forward is it? I really wanted to see where Levi was going after he left Elise's house. I don't care about how wasted he gets with Angel and how he loves him and how Angel is like a king and the referee is a lady of luck who's crying or something. It doesn't serve much of a purpose. At least not right now. If you had Levi go to like a lake or the high school or somewhere where he would think about the homecoming game and all this would become relevant, then yeah sure, but it seems really random to just throw this in there.
Hmm, so overall, if it were anyone else, I'd think this was amazing. But it's you and you can do better, so do just that. Do better.
~Jas
I am nothing but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's or maybe like pocket candy that's just a bit too sweet.
I'm not even going to bother reviewing this. It's great, but you ned to believe in yourself.
It's really starting to infuriate me the fact that after I read a good chapter, you will always have a good moan. Sometimes it puts me off and I don't want to read the next chapter. But you know what? It's good, so I read on. Just stop moaning on about how much you hate it. Please stop, because your an amazing writer. The one thing spoiling it is your moaning on and on and on.
Stop shitting on yourself all the time. You're a great writer and if you're not going to say something nice, don't say anything at all.
I am nothing but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's or maybe like pocket candy that's just a bit too sweet.
So, I read this like, two days ago was it? I don't remember, but I read it, and I had intentions of returning to come and review it for you, but it seemed I was still attempting to fully soak it all in. And now I've returned with less fresh in my mind, still with the urge to review this for you! But being the lazy reader I am, (even with the most interesting work) I find it difficult to go back over what I've already read. Cross my fingers and pray, let's have a go at it anyway! xD
I'm very aware of your ability to portray great imagery through your symbolism and other interesting means of describing the simple things in life, but in the beginning of this I have to say I was quite lost at where the scene was first opening up and where this was all taking place. Perhaps I have a terrible attention span, but at first I was almost imagining a party with the whole bit about the plastic cups and all. Point is, you may have went a little too deep too early in painting the scene this way. But this is simply my own opinion. After I gradually figured out where you were coming from in the scene, I immediately reverted to being content again. It's funny how your writing can do this to me. Usually I take the things I read for face value. You force me to look deeper.
Anyway, I wanted to talk a little bit about Angel. You're really giving him a strong personality here to pair with Levi's interest. I can see why he'd be so infatuated. The kid's a pistol, really. I think that's what I love most about him. He's very aware, and he seems to be able to take in everything around him and twist and contort it to work in his favor. This, if I may say so myself, is what makes Angel's character so intriguing. You've gone and made sense of such a complex person already, and yet, he's still this little enigma in the story which Levi is left pining over and figuring out. I really love his character and I hope you continue to show him justice, even though I know you already will. From what I've been reading, I haven't seen you quite falter yet with Angel nor Levi's character. Which is great. Keep up the nice work.
Now the scene overall as a whole wasn't as worth chucking as you may think it is. With stories like this it's nice to keep pace with even the little things. You help to give your story a nice shape this way. Let the cards fall where they may, but I truly do think you wrote this chapter the way that it is for a reason. I got a lot out of both Angel and Levi's character. And now that I've read something like this, I feel like if you wanted to jump into something a bit more significant in the next part, I would be perfectly fine with your pace. I'm soaking things in nicely, and I think you should give yourself a bit more credit for the way in which you decide to mold this story. If anything enormous is truly wrong, I think your readers will tell you so. Don't jump to conclusions though that this is a bad chapter. The football game wasn't even terrible to read. I'm not sure why you thought that. You added the air of masculinity into your story in an interesting way through Angel's part. It was rather endearing really, and considering the two are hiding the orientation of who they really are, it was all rather appropriate in a sense as well. So keep it.
Which brings me to my next point. The setting of the football game made it quite easy to insert the scene with Angel and that girl in the locker room. You opened up this other side of him to the reader's eyes, and I found it a sort of crucial point in some way that you had included something like that in here. It helped carry the conversation between Angel and Levi in the car to head into the direction that it went. So for this I have to say, was all worth it. Nice work.
The ending of the scene seemed rather abrupt from where you had the chapter lead it to. You left it off with Angel and Levi alone together. That is ground for some further writing most definitely! It made me want to continue reading, but you kept it at a halt there. Which is fine, but I do think you may have had a little room to spread this ending out to a smoother stop rather than skidding out right at the point of sipping down liquor. xD But maybe that's just me.
Anyway, really nice work again. I'm sorry if none of this was really helpful to you, but when I'm busy reading something I enjoy, I find it a bit more difficult to want to pause and hold for the improvement suggestions. Especially when there is nothing too great --at least to my eye-- that seemed wrong here. I suppose I'll be seeing you next chapter. ;]
