two crescent moons 1.1

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This has just been knocking around my head for a while so I put pen to paper! I may now officially be a med student but my knowledge of comas is woefully lacking so if you can correct me, please do. Other than that, all other comments appreciated!


“I hear you killed Jameson. Good job. Good riddance.”
I look up, startled; from the book I’m holding to where Christian Connolly has sidled into the bookshop, leaning against the shelves and talking as if we were co-conspirators. I shove the book in my hand back onto the shelf. The cover ruches under the pressure and I just stare at it. The only answer that presents itself is to state the obvious.
“He’s not dead.”
I move away but Christian follows, bobbing along beside me. He bounces on the balls of his feet with each step to try and hide the near foot of height difference between us. I still look down on the top of his head, hair dark with grease. “No brain activity. That’s basically dead,” he says cheerfully.
“Minimal brain activity. Minimal. Not none,” I correct him, since that word, ‘minimal’ is all that is stopping my breakfast making a reappearance. I counter with a change of subject. “What are you doing in a bookshop anyway? I didn’t know you read.”
“I don’t.” He nods towards the giant glass windows and the grey shopping centre corridor beyond. “I was in the game shop. Saw you through the window and thought I’d come congratulate you.”
I stop in my tracks and stare at Christian. “It’s not something I’m proud of, Christian.”
“Not yet. I mean I guess you’re in shock or whatever but you’ll see. It’s for the best.”
“How can- never mind.” I pick up my pace to a level Christian can’t follow.
“It’s not like you liked him!” he calls as I hurry down the anonymous corridor. Here people look at me and see a lanky teenage boy, not a murderer.
The bookshop was my last safe haven. At home Mum and Elsie spend as much time in the hospital as the Jamesons themselves. I deleted my Facebook account since the comments I received fell neatly into two categories: those from people like Christian who had suffered at the hands of Will Jameson, and Will’s own friends. The former sent me ‘well done’s and ‘thank you’s and the latter sent me death threats. School was over apart from the people sitting state exams. My driving lessons had of course been cancelled. So I had had plans to spend the summer in libraries and bookshops, perhaps not necessarily reading the books themselves as much as the blurbs. The sticky situations that characters found themselves in that were different to my own. The more different, the better.
Christian Connolly has just destroyed another safe location. He has allowed Will to invade the single last part of my life that I had hoped to evade him.
I slalom through the crowds, the lazy June weekday shoppers, old ladies doing little in-between grocery shops mid-week, girls younger than me discussing texts and drinking milkshakes. I hear snippets of language in Polish and Lithuanian from workers on their day off. Everybody comes here to shake off the worries of the day before, or the week before or the life before. Shaking off that moment, 4.53 on the 2nd June as the car clock had stated, seems a much harder task than forgetting something like a pay cut or a harsh remark.
I swing myself onto the bus and swiped my card, sitting down in the seats closest to the front behind the driver. It was where Elsie and I always used to sit, when we used to do things together. “We’ll make the front the cool end of the bus!” she’d say and grin. I haven’t seen her grin in far too long. Her eyes instead follow me around the house just as every other thought and every other remark followed me. She blames me and I don’t blame her for it.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. Mum. “What?” I ask bluntly.
“Andy, dear, where are you?” I hate nicknames, Elsie loves them. Even though we are far from identical, our own mother amongst others is of the opinion that twins have the same taste in everything, and it is always Elsie’s taste I inherit and not the other way around.
“I was just in the bookshop. I’m coming home.”
“I wish you wouldn’t run off like that-“
“Where did you think I was going?”
She doesn’t respond since there’s no answer. She’s just worrying for nothing, overly concerned that I’ll steal a car or something equally uncharacteristic and this time it’ll be me that’s lying in a hospital bed.
“Elsie and I are going over to the hospital. Would you like to come?”
I sigh. A long moment stretches down the imaginary line between me and her. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Really? You’ll come?” This is the chirpiest I’ve heard her sound since it happened.
“Why not? I guess I should apologise some time.”
“Well, we’ll wait for you then. Hurry back!” She puts the phone down as if she’s about to prance away through a meadow of flowers.
It’s about time I see Will, I think. I eavesdropped on Elsie while she was on the phone to a friend. You can’t really see any damage, she said, just a little cut that the doctors have patched up nicely. I won’t be able to see just the extent of my crime- technically an accident but still a crime in my eyes as well as the eyes of the hundreds of people who loved and worshipped Will Jameson.
There were witnesses. It’s important to understand that there were witnesses, my driving instructor included. There was nothing I could have done, they all agreed. I had gone through a green light on a T junction at the proper speed, checking no cars were coming. My instructor had even murmured, ‘Good.’
Until Will loped across the street, black hair and Canterbury tracksuit bottoms flying in the breeze. I couldn’t stop. All of Will went flying onto the tarmac. I screamed. My instructor screamed. A woman on the pavement screamed. Horns beeped and people came running. I sat behind the wheel, engine still running, while my instructor hopped out. Somebody called 112. The ambulance came. They had pulled me out of the car by then and I looked at the little pool of blood around Will’s perfectly careless hair. Somebody put a blanket around me. They put Will into the ambulance. I told them the horrible fact that I knew him, I went to school with him. I told them his name. They drove him to the hospital. My driving instructor drove me back to the centre.
That was nearly a week ago, and that was the last time I saw him.
Mum’s taken a leave of absence from her work as an occupational therapist. She’s promised me countless times that she’s seen people in states almost like Will’s, and she helps bring them back. Almost is the operative word. If Will ever does wake up, Elsie whispered on the phone that night, the doctors say most likely he’ll be a vegetable. I can’t decide which is worse, that he dies or he lives half a life.
When I open the front door, I can hear their voices from the kitchen. They stop talking when they hear the latch shut again. “Andy? Is that you?” Mum calls.
“Who else?” I grumble, going through into our green tiled kitchen. We redecorated and Mum chose green because ‘the twins like it’, because it’s Elsie’s favourite colour. She’s wearing it right now, in fact, as I look at her, curled up with a cup of tea, the forest coloured jumper sloping off one shoulder.
“Hi,” she says, glancing up with pale blue eyes just like mine. “I hear you’re coming.”
“Am I allowed to?” I ask, shaking the teapot and pouring out what’s left, tea as black as tar.
“Of course,” Mum says with measured calmness. “I think it would be good for you. And Will. I don’t know why you’ve been so reluctant.”
“Because Andrew hated Will,” Elsie mutters. “I’ve explained before, Mum.”
“But you liked him.”
Elsie hides behind her thick brown curls. I open the fridge, take out the milk and slam it shut again. “Elsie barely knew Will, Mum. In fact.” I pour the milk, screw the top back on and look at my sister across the kitchen. “How do you know him? Anita?”
Elsie shakes her head as another guilty shot goes through my chest. She and Anita, Will’s long-term girlfriend, stopped being friends years ago, as soon as Elsie started getting plumper and shyer whereas Anita just kept getting taller and more gorgeous and more charming. “Applied Maths,” she says. “We were in class together.”
“Are the other girls from Applied Maths visiting him every day?” It’s such a minority subject that my and Will’s school, Freetown College, combines the class with its sister girls’ school, St Catherine’s.
“None of their brothers were the reason he’s there,” Elsie snaps. “Are we going or not?”
“Let me finish my tea,” Mum says, looking uneasily from Elsie to me. “Don’t bicker, the two of you.”
“Sorry,” we grumble in unison. I glance at Ellie over the rim of my own mug. Our identical eyes meet each other and her mouth twitches at the corners.
Last edited by StellaThomas on Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: I suck at tenses.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Wow, this is really emotional and well-thought-out. I'm curious to learn more about the characters. I noticed some typos like putting a period before 'she said' in a sentence instead of a comma (to show the character continuing speaking, such as when he says "In fact#FF0000 ">." and then continues talking, it should be a comma after "In fact")
But those are little things, and as this is just a draft I wouldn't worry about it too much. It looks like a cool story, well told with varying language keeping it interesting. At first I thought the story would be excessively dark. Some humor would be cool, but that's just my opinion.




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Well I usually don't enjoy reading stories in First Person because I'm not used to it, but I slugged through it just for you Stella! Not that it wasn't good - I liked it, it just feels weird reading a First Person story! I also don't think I've ever reviewed you before. I used to make a point of not reviewing mods, seeing as you're all modish, intimidating and authoritative.

I look up, startled#FF8000 ">; from the book I’m holding to where Christian Connolly has sidled into the bookshop, leaning against the shelves and talking as if we were co-conspirators.


I have never seen a semicolon used like this before. It automatically strikes me as wrong, but it could just be because of the new-ness of the concept.

Code
The cover ruches under the pressure and I just stare at it.


Google definition of 'ruches': A frill or pleat of fabric as decoration on a garment or home furnishing. If this definition is correct, then your use of the word doesn't make seem to make sense in this context. Did you mean 'rupture' perhaps? I personally can't see how that would make a lot more sense, but it seems to be more reasonable that ruches. However, I could also be overlooking something obvious. That tends to happen quite a bit. :P

“Minimal brain activity. Minimal. Not none,” I correct him#FF0000 ">, since that word, ‘minimal’, is all that is stopping my breakfast making a reappearance.


So here I would get rid of the first comma and place a comma right after ' 'minimal' '. It seems to me to have a better flow.

I slalom through the crowds, the lazy June weekday shoppers, old ladies doing little in-between grocery shops mid-week, girls younger than me discussing texts and drinking milkshakes.


That word is great! Haha thanks for introducing me to it!

#FF0000 ">Shaking off that moment, 4.53 on the 2nd June as the car clock had stated, seems a much harder task than forgetting something like a pay cut or a harsh remark.


I'm not sure what you mean here. Did you mean to put 4:53? If so, then what does that mean? This part is just confusing, it would be great if you could clarify your intent a bit more.

It was where Elsie and I would always sit, when we used to do things together.


So this sentence is okay, but I think it would be better if you used 'would' instead of the first 'used'. It helps with the flow of the sentence and keeps the reader excited because you're not being repetitive. If you go with my suggestion, you may want to think about taking out the comma or rewording the beginning of the second clause as well.

Overall, I did like it! It's not really the type of story I usually read, but it developed nicely and I could begin to feel and imagine what the mc was feeling. I could even start imagining what he looked like, and I think that that's a great thing for the author! When you don't describe how a character looks like but they're imagining it anyway, that just means that they're getting sucked into the story. I'm glad I got over my phobia of you mods and reviewed the piece. Now excuse me while I go sweat and tremble elsewhere.

Haha Happy Writing!
~HP
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Stellanineee!


“I hear you killed Jameson. Good job. Good riddance.”


I like this as an opening line, but it might be even more effective if it was just "I hear you killed Jameson" and then "Good job. Good riddance." after maybe "I look up, startled"?


I move away but Christian follows, bobbing along beside me.


Bobbing along, singing a song, on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea... [/Sword in the Stone] I honestly can't take that phrase seriously anymore, so that bothered me a little, but you couldn't know that, so never mind.


since that word, ‘minimal’ is all that is stopping my breakfast making a reappearance.


This is nice!


I stop in my tracks and stare at Christian. “It’s not something I’m proud of, Christian.”


You could change to first Christian to "him" so it doesn't get too repetitive.


“Not yet. I mean I guess you’re in shock or whatever but you’ll see. It’s for the best.”


That seemed like an odd place to end the middle sentence? My head wants to read it like "you'll see it's for the best".


“How can- never mind.” I pick up my pace to a level Christian can’t follow.

“It’s not like you liked him!” he calls as I hurry down the anonymous corridor. Here people look at me and see a lanky teenage boy, not a murderer.


I don't understand the narrator's line. I can't complete the thought in my head, so it does very little for me and thus isn't something I'd find necessary to say. Also "anonymous corridor" sounds a little weird, and I had to stop and think what you meant by it.


At home Mum and Elsie spend as much time in the hospital as the Jamesons themselves.


They're in the hospital at home? Does that mean like their hometown or something? If so, I think you should clarify it.


My driving lessons had of course been cancelled.


Why of course - because he's a killer?


I slalom through the crowds


Nice word choice!


“Who else?” I grumble, going through into our green tiled kitchen.


I'm not sure why I like this sentence so much. It's so... lively, somehow.


We redecorated and Mum chose green because ‘the twins like it’, because it’s Elsie’s favourite colour. She’s wearing it right now, in fact, as I look at her, curled up with a cup of tea, the forest coloured jumper sloping off one shoulder.

“Hi,” she says, glancing up with pale blue eyes just like mine. “I hear you’re coming.”


I thought "she" was the mother.


I just realised this was only the first part. I'm interested in seeing how this will continue, mostly because I sort of thought this would've been a good ending already! But I guess we'll have to know how this ends for real, and... this is a novel? :o

I'm not sure I grasped the main character very well. He doesn't seem very... well, very anything. He's sort of like the grey area, which I don't know if he's supposed to be. Maybe it's because he feels guilty and bad about what he's done, but if someone asked me to describe the MC in a few words, I couldn't think of anything. I don't even know what he looks like, and although I know a little about what his twin looks like, you say they're not identical, so so much for that.

Also, the phone conversation with his mum didn't really sound like it was between mother and son... more like they were friends. At least his mum spoke quite un-mum-ly, except for the "dear".

But overall, I was entertained throughout the story and there weren't any places where I'd really had to stop and think. The... pace (?) was good. It's exciting to read something else than fairytales by you for a change xD not that I mind them at all!


Demette
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Mein Stellalalala!

H'okay, so. 8D

I look up, startled; from the book I’m holding to where Christian Connolly has sidled into the bookshop, leaning against the shelves and talking as if we were co-conspirators.


Someone else pointed this out, and I have to agree. The semi colon ruins the flow of the sentence for me, and I had to read it a couple times to understand what was going on.

Shaking off that moment, 4.53 on the 2nd June


2nd of June? Or is this a UK thing? D:

Even though we are far from identical, our own mother#FF0040 ">, amongst others#FF0040 ">, is of the opinion


Commas, mein liebe! <3

“Well, we’ll wait for you then. Hurry back!” She puts the phone down as if she’s about to prance away through a meadow of flowers.


B-but how can he see this? D:


...That poor kid. xD That's...really awful. D: Talk about starting off with a bang, huh!?

I didn't know until you mentioned the MC was a dude that, uh, he was a dude. That may be my own issue though, because when I read first person I tend to automatically assume that everyone is female. It definitely cleared up after you mentioned, though, and the rest of the time he sounded very teenage boy-ish.

Which..concludes the most useless review ever. FFF--

Let me know if you have any questions. 8D

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ERIKA!

So I totes like this. The opener line was a killer (lolololololol), so that was awesome. The following paragraph was hard to read grammatically, so the intro wasn't as catching as it could be. Still, I enjoyed where this was going. It is sort of totes depressing and no i'm totes not concerned for your mental well-being but I totes enjoyed this!

My biggest pick with this is probably the characters. They all sounded very flat except for Christian. He seemed more lively than the others. On the other hand, this story seems very focused on the plot when you were writing it, so maybe the morbid tone of it didn't allow for wiggle room in the characters' personalities. I'd like to see more of who they all are.

I know I enjoyed the occasional reference to the sibling rivalry. That definitely helped with some of the weakness in character, and it explained the few moments of bitterness the MC had. But besides that, I don't think the characters really shone through as much as I think you could do with them. Maybe they'll be more fleshed out by the second part!

Besides that, you did very well with the sad atmosphere of it all. Christian was done pretty well, I thought. And the story became more obvious halfway through. I did wonder if that was sort of an info-dump or not, but it's probably fine where it is. The way it was told, the style you used in telling about the accident, was extremely awesome, so I probably wouldn't touch it. xD

Great job in the long run! I can't wait to see part two!

Keep writing!

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Hi, Stella! I'm here, unsolicited and possibly unwanted!

Anyway. I think Demi and a few others caught the grammatical stuff, so I'll let that alone.

I wasn't even sure who/what Andy was when I started reading? I figured it out quick enough, but I didn't know he was male until you actually said his name, which was disconcerting.

The mom rings false to me - at least in her dialogue. The siblings reactions, though, I think are just fine. The mom assuming what one likes, the other likes, I especially like. I'm not sure what to do with Andy, though? Like, I understand feeling guilty, but I don't understand why he hasn't been to the hospital, or the dynamics you're starting to introduce. Of course, part of this is the nature of a first chapter, but I don't like feeling so lost! I almost feel as if you assume we know the relationships between many of the characters already? But, again, part of this is simply the evils of a first chapter. Unless this isn't. Then we have issues. :P

Anyway! Your opening line catches my attention, which was awesome. I like the initial dichotomy between Andy and Christian, but the absolute "I'm alone, waah, there's nowhere left for me" bits right after grate a bit. Yes, it's sensible and it follows, but that's just me. It's also why I've only read the 5th HP book once ;)

The entire scene describing what happened - yes. That was good. I'd be interested in hearing the viewpoints of the other characters who witness the accident, too, but that may just be me.

Bother me when you post more, StellaLoon! <3 I enjoyed what you've done so far!

Bek
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Nice job! While I don't exactly have much sympathy for the characters yet (but I'm probably some sort of emotionless weirdo, so don't mind me), I really want to read more. Like really, really want to read more.

Maybe I'm a glutton for character-angst, but what you have seems pretty well thought out. Some sentences got me a little, but I see what you mean and I'm beginning to get a feel for things.

The only thing I'd suggest was to save a little bit fo the backstory for later. While I understand it is important in a book like this, I don't really care yet, as previously mentioned. I want action! Things happening! Characters interacting! Stuff! Not backstory, if only because if a stranger came up to me and told me about the fact they're pretty sure they nearly killed someone, I would run. I don't trust the characters yet, I guess?

Anyway . . . it was good and I can't wait to see where you go from here.
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I will review this during the weekend. :]
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




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Hey,

Thanks for all the great reviews!
Here's one especially for you.
Even though I haven't read previous reviews,
I hope I'm not redundant and I hope this is some help

...

to you.

(I'm not the best poet.)

Stella Thomas wrote:"I hear you killed Jameson. Good job. Good riddance.”


Excellent first line but I feel it'd be more effective without the 'Good job. Good riddance.'. You can show us that Christian doesn't like Jameson later in the conversation because the first line is always to hook in the reader and while you are doing it here, it's a bit too much.



Stella Thomas wrote: “No brain activity. That’s basically dead,” he says cheerfully.


I don't think I like this kid very much. o.o


Stella Thomas wrote:The bookshop was my last safe haven. At home Mum and Elsie spend as much time in the hospital as the Jamesons themselves. I deleted my Facebook account since the comments I received fell neatly into two categories: those from people like Christian who had suffered at the hands of Will Jameson, and Will’s own friends. The former sent me ‘well done’s and ‘thank you’s and the latter sent me death threats. School was over apart from the people sitting state exams. My driving lessons had of course been cancelled. So I had had plans to spend the summer in libraries and bookshops, perhaps not necessarily reading the books themselves as much as the blurbs. The sticky situations that characters found themselves in that were different to my own. The more different, the better.


Break this up somehow into two paragraphs.

Stella Thomas wrote: Shaking off that moment, 4.53 on the 2nd June as the car clock had stated, seems a much harder task than forgetting something like a pay cut or a harsh remark.


This is really good but I suggest taking out the 'like'. seems much for powerful.

Stella Thomas wrote:the forest coloured jumper sloping off one shoulder


I like this and I understand you mean forest green colored jumper, but it sounds a little bit awkward.

Stella Thomas wrote: “Hi,” she says, glancing up with pale blue eyes just like mine. “I hear you’re coming.”


Make it more obvious that it's Elsie talking.

Stella Thomas wrote:Our identical eyes meet each other and her mouth twitches at the corners.


Er, the twitchy mouth smile thing seems a bit serial killer. I suggest taking it out.

~*~

I really like this idea! It's fresh and original and really great. I like this title too,even though it seems a bit irrelevant right now. Definitely PM me with updates and I'll review them asap. :]

(Sorry that this review is so short, I normally don't have much to say about first chapters. Don't worry, once we're in chapter 4 and 5, you'll be getting 12 paragraphs reviews with me rambling about one sentence. xD)


~Jas <3
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~



The opposite of belonging is fitting in.
— Dr. Brené Brown