Reflections, Chapter 1

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This is the first scene in my first novel, which I am almost complete. There is some violence, but nothing too graphic. Enjoy!

Reflections

Chapter One

I wasn’t sure what the time was as I headed down the dark streets. It must have been late. Admittedly, I was a little drunk. That’s why I was walking. My designated driver took exception to being made to drink Shirley Temples instead of the hard stuff. I pointed out that I was never much of a drinker, and would gladly have taken his place if he’d bothered to say something instead of trying to hide his beer breath. Long story short, we got into a huge fight and I was once again a single woman.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if this was the first time Paul had gone back on his word. He turned out to be a bit of a creep. That turned out to be a bad habit of mine in highschool, always hooking up with the jerks because the only nice ones bored me. Not that I cared much about boys anyway.

I was about halfway home when I saw two figures on the street ahead of me. It was weird because the whole way there the streets had been empty. I thought I saw a weapon being drawn, so I crept closer to get a better view. Normal people probably run from a fight, but I had some martial arts training, and figured I could hold my own if it got too involved.

Once I did get closer, I could recognize one of the men. He was an old teacher from my school. I never took his classes. I heard he was weird and grouchy, but I knew who he was. Anti-social as he was, I couldn’t understand why he would be out here, brandishing a weapon.

I really was going to intervene, but the teacher lunged, and I was too far away to do anything. The stranger just stepped invisibly to the side and caught the old man’s arm as the spike shot past him, all with unnatural fluidity. My heart thundered as the fight changed. The elderly educator was suddenly running, with much less success. The other man grabbed his collar and yanked him back.

I stared as the new winner leaned over his captive and began to drink from his neck.

I could barely believe what I was seeing. Weirdly though, it seemed as natural to me as a spider creeping up on a fly. I knew I wouldn’t like what was going to happen, but that didn’t stop me from watching. Shocked, I was held in a hypnotic, morbid trance of curiosity. I came to my senses only when the body hit the pavement. That’s when I freaked.

I gasped uncharacteristically and stepped back. The vampire heard me, whirled around, and was right in front of me before I could run. He grabbed one of my arms as I went to hit him, but let me land a punch with the other. Nearly broke my hand. Then he flung me back so he could get a better grip on my shoulders and hold me so tight I could hear him breathing. I was forced to look up at his face. Then our eyes met, and locked.

His eyes were chocolate brown and when he forgot to look fierce I could see how gentle they were, even though there was an emptiness or sadness behind them. We gazed at each other for a while before he broke the connection, letting go of my shoulders and backing away. He swore in a language I couldn’t identify, though I bet I could guess what he was saying.

"What are you?” I breathed.

"Depending on how long you’ve been standing there, it should be pretty obvious." He grinned, strangely boyishly, but flashed a pair of long fangs still stained with blood.

I must point out; he was very tidy for a predator. Not a drop of blood spilled down his chin, or on the black silk he wore. The strands of his hair, short but wavy and almost the same shade as his eyes, such a rich brown if he had been normal I would have said he’d dyed it, had obviously been kept clear of his meal since not a strand was messed up in the excitement. I just hoped my look was holding up as well as his. Seeing him clearly for the first time, I was struck by how handsome he was. I would have called him beautiful if he wasn’t so distinctly masculine, even with his thick black eyelashes, and full, red, Cupid’s bow lips. The effect sent shivers down my spine, but I ignored them.

"You just killed a man! How can you act so calm?"

"I am calm," he replied. "He attacked me, and failed miserably." The vampire looked amused.

"So? You could have stopped him and walked away!"

"Leaving him to come at me again, with wounded pride and a new sense of revenge. Then he would tell all his murderous friends, they would alert the populace, and it would all be very irritating for me."
I could barely process the fact I was having a heated argument with a killer. It occurred to me I didn’t care.

"Are you really so desensitized?"

He spoke softly.

"You have to be ready for things like this, when you’re like me. Even if I’ve never killed for pleasure, to be a part of the night you have to be prepared."

This admission caught me off guard.

"Then why do you do this? Why don’t you just hide somewhere?"

"Because I love the night! I live for the darkness and the stars and the way everything changes in the absence of the sun, becomes extraordinary." His mood suddenly skyrocketed. I could understand, it was the same reason I was on the streets right now, even with all the dangers. He continued.

"I also love the hunt, and the taste of blood. Does that scare you?" He still seemed fairly enraptured.

"No. It probably should, but it doesn’t."
There was a pause. He took a moment to dispose of the body. I turned away but the image was still disturbing.

"I knew him. Not very well, but I knew him." I was practically whispering, but he could still hear me. Louder I said, "I wonder if he always did this sort of thing."

The vampire scoffed and I heard a dumpster lid slam shut.

"Not very often. He was much too naive. That would explain why he thought he could handle me.” I turned to face him and once again we locked eyes.

"Come with me." he said. His tone both begged and commanded. I wasn’t going to argue.
Last edited by Leahweird on Thu May 22, 2008 5:48 am, edited 1 time in total.




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This was really good, you should post more.
But there was some problems...
The vampire heard me,


When the MC asks "What are you?" it seems a little dumb to put that she knows its a vampire...you see what I mean?

I like the descriptions you used but I just have one little question. I'm sort of confused about the age of the MC, is she in high school err...

Other than that this was great, Keep writing!!!
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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The second chapter explains all, but she's eighteen. Thankyou for pointing out the error. That line was missing on my origional draft, so now I can't remember what went there!




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I. NITPICKS

Leahweird wrote:I’m wasn't sure what the time was as I headed down the dark streets. It must have been late. Admittedly, I was a little drunk. That’s why I was walking. My designated driver took exception to being made to drink Shirley Temples instead of the hard stuff.[awkwardly phrased] I pointed out that I was never much of a drinker, and would gladly have taken his place if he’d bothered to say something instead of trying to hide his beer breath. Long story short, we got into a huge fight and I was once again a single woman.


It wouldn’t have been so bad if this was the first time Paul had gone back on his word. He turned out to be a bit of a creep. That turned out to be a bad habit of mine in high school, always hooking up with the jerks because the only nice ones bored me. Not that I cared much about boys anyway.


I was about halfway home when I saw two figures on the street up[take out 'up] ahead of me. It was weird because the whole way there the streets had been empty. I thought I saw a weapon being pulled [pulled what? pulled away? pulled down?] so I crept closer to get a better view. Normal people probably run from a fight, but I had some martial arts training, and figured I could hold my own if it got too involved.


Once I did get closer, I could recognize one of the men. He was an old teacher from my school. I never took his classes. I heard he was weird and grouchy, but I knew who he was. Anti-social as he was, I couldn’t understand why he would be out here, brandishing a weapon.


I really was going to intervene, but the teacher lunged, and I was too far away to do anything. The stranger just[take out just] stepped invisibly[how can you step out invisibly] to the side and caught the old man’s arm as the spike shot past him, all with unnatural fluidity. My heart thundered as the fight changed. The elderly educator was suddenly running, with much less success. The other man grabbed his collar and yanked him back.


I stared as the new winner leaned over his captive and began to drink from his neck.


How does she know he's drinking from his neck? I mean it's probably dark and she's a good length away, wouldn't it look like a guy with his face in a person's neck? Wouldn't it be better to assume that he's whispering?

Then he flung me back so he could get a better grip on my shoulders and hold me so tight I could hear him breathing. I was forced to look up at his face. Then our eyes met, and locked.


Take out the comma after "met".

II. OVERALL IMPRESSION

I like vampire stories. A lot. Haha.. So of course I enjoyed this. It was well-written and the heroine was nice..until towards the end. I just found it highly unbelievable that she was able to converse so easily with a vampire...in fact a vampire that she watched murder someone (albeit not well) knew. Otherwise, the heroine was rather easy to relate to. She actually reminds me of a friend of mine. Now the vampire, well, he wasn't easy to relate, too. He was quite romantic as the stereotype of vampires in most novels. That's a really easy thing to fall into while writing in the vampire genre so be careful. PM me if you have any questions.

-----Periwinkle
Maybe you should kiss someone nice or lick a rock, or both - Regina Spektor




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I think this was the first story I've started to read here. And overall I liked it, though there were a few confusing parts (but Periwinkle seems to have pointed them all out). But I couldn't help thinking of Twilight though I know it's not the only vampire story in the world. And Twilight and Reflections don't resemble each other except for the fact that the main character is deeply attracted by the vampire.

But yeah. I'd go on to the next chapter but I'm too tired. I'll do it tomorrow, maybe :)

Demeter wishes you luck
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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Hey. I don't have much to say - I didn't notice any typos. My overall impression: it wasn't bad. As a beginning, I think you could have a much stronger one. Perhaps make this a different chapter? Or add a Prologue to capture the reader's attention more...

But it was well-written and interesting. Just keep in mind what I've said.




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I liked this very much, Leahweird.
But, The whole first chunk of this piece is exposition and telling. You don't show enough of the actions. You just tell us about them.

Like for example,
Leahweird wrote: I wasn’t sure what the time was as I headed down the dark streets. It must have been late. Admittedly, I was a little drunk. That’s why I was walking. My designated driver took exception to being made to drink Shirley Temples instead of the hard stuff. I pointed out that I was never much of a drinker, and would gladly have taken his place if he’d bothered to say something instead of trying to hide his beer breath. Long story short, we got into a huge fight and I was once again a single woman.


You mention being drunk, and the fight, but it'd be much more powerful to have shown us this a bit more.

Other than the exposition opening and telling, the rest is pretty good.

Hope this helps. :)



It is most unlikely. But - here comes the big "but" - not impossible.
— Roald Dahl