Blind

Spoiler

I didn't write this for any particular reason, but I thought is was nice. I'm usually not the best with rhyming but this one turned out well in my opinion. Please comment! Thanks!

Silver mist obscures your eyes,
Shrouding your distant gaze from mine;
You'd shield yourself if you were wise,
but you cannot see.


Your mind is off in faraway lands,
Laughing, talking, shaking hands
with those who are willing to meet your demands,
and you cannot see.


The surrounding world is falling down,
but you are wearing your sparkling crown--
Everything's crashing to the ground,
but you refuse to see.

Hi there!

This is a really great poem, I enjoyed reading it! Your imagery is great and you put a lot of emotion into it. I like how you reapeated 'and you cannot see' and then changed it to 'but you refuse to see' at the end. The repitition definitely adds to the flow and the change at the end shows the bitterness of the narrator towards this person. The rhyme scheme of this is great and in my opinion you picked the right words to rhyme.

Overall this is a great poem. Keep writing!

I liked it. It might have more flow if it was "But you can't see" but it's more dramatic the way you have it, so that's your choice. I agree with Noelle, the imagery is excellent. A beautiful poem. Nice job.
-tgirly

Aow, this is a beautiful poem! I agree with previous speakers that you've got some truly amazing imagery. You use good rhymes that helps ease the flow instead of disrupt it as some can do... I didn't find any particular flaws with this. Good grammar, punctuation, flow and rythm. I like how the last lines of each stanza are similar to each other, it binds the piece together. I really liked it!

Good Work & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I found this poem to be thought prevoking and fresh. The thing I didn't like so much about it was that you see to be on the fence when it can to the rhyming. The first verse didn't rhyme very well. I felt as though maybe you had been grasping at straws as you wrote it. Just throwing in words that sound a tiny bit like the rhymed and hoping it would work. 'eyes' and 'wise' were ok but 'mine' doesn't go. Perhaps try replacing that line with something like this,.'

DevanEWilliams wrote:Silver mist obscures your eyes,
Cloaking the true in dazzling lies.
You'd shield yourself if you were wise,
but you cannot see.

On this verse I thought the rhyming was great. The only thing that could be better was if you maybe shortened up the third line. It is a little too long and kind of messes with the flow.
Your mind is off in faraway lands,
Laughing, talking, shaking hands
with those who are willing to meet your demands,
and you cannot see.

No complains with this verse. Top notch!
The surrounding world is falling down,
but you are wearing your sparkling crown--
Everything's crashing to the ground,
but you refuse to see.

All in all, an enjoyable and interesting poem. Keep up the good work!
~DG

Ok, overall the whole thing was great. No grammar issues, no issues at all really. To me, it seemed like you were talking about an dictator who ignored all the world's problems. That's the message I got, at least. I liked your ryming pattern. Good idea witht the extra rhyming lyne in the last stanza. my favorite lines were the first two, very discriptive and they created imagery. Good job!

I would say you are very much correct; you do have a good poem here! I love when people talk about power in poetry, because to me, power is endless, there is no limit when one is discussing power.

This poem itself held a lot of imagery for me, and I loved the slight repetition that wasn’t exactly repetition at all because the last line in all three verses was slightly different

Shrouding your distant gaze from mine;

I love the feeling that you are watching all of this. I mean, I pictured you in all sorts of locations as I read this poem. I saw you on a hill watching a city crumble, I saw you meet their eyes dead on and do nothing but stare, and I also saw you sitting across a room from them, unable to look away.

with those who are willing to meet your demands,

I love the erie tone this line adds to the entire piece as a whole. It really brings the "power" element into the picture.

but you are wearing your sparkling crown--

To me, as I read this line over and over again, I imagined a captain staying on his ship as it crumbled to the bottom of the blue to black sea. This line, however, brings about the opposite emotion from my personal imagery. The reader only sees the selfishness in this “ruler” type of character, making this line that much more powerful.

but you refuse to see.

And of course, I love how cannot see became, refuse to see.

Great job, truly, I had nothing to change about this poem, I only wanted to review it so I could praise it!

Keep on writing!
~SnowBerry

Well, I must say I can't quite find your rhyme scheme. Was it ABAC, or AABC, or AAAC? It felt like it changed in each stanza. Yet, ignoring that, it was an amazing poem. Very inspirational and meaningful. I really liked your message, and the repetition of "you cannot see", that was really good. I think the last stanza was the best, it not only talked about the blindness, but the idea that if you have your own little personal crown nothing else matters, not even the falling world. It's something a lot of people do at one point or another. I also loved the first line. It was such a good opening line and had beautiful imagery. Also, I really like your avatar. So, hopefully this review was helpful. I really don't have anything else to say, this was just really well done.

Hello there! Whisperer here.

That's a really nice poem! The imagery is nice and the meaning is great! The rhyming wasn't that great though but it was good. The wording is also nice. I like the simplicity of it. (Eek, this review is lame. lol) Anyway, I love how the poem had a rising action. At the first stanza, I thought it was another love poem. In the second and the third stanza, the 'faraway lands' and the 'sparkling crown' painted me a picture of a fairytale kingdom and I love how you used that imagery to symbolize the meaning of the poem, which is the corruption in the government/politics. I can pretty much relate to this well because my country (as well as many other countries) have had this problem for so long. >.<

In conclusion, I think this poem is really effective in giving its message yet friendly to read in a way.

Never stop writing! I hope my review made sense. I haven't made one in decades. >.<

Good morning, Devan!

I’ve read this over a few times, and it’s missing a lot from giving me a feeling of any sort of real emotion. In all honesty, it feels to me like you lost sight of what you really wanted to say with this poem because your rhymes took you in a different direction. It’s easy to do in rhyming poetry. Given that, I’m not going to make any demands that you fix your rhymes or change anything. In fact, taking in this entire review it totally up to you—whether or not you want to shoot for better quality. It takes time. It takes revision upon revision upon revision, and it’s the most frustrating part of writing poetry—especially structured poetry.

That said, I’m going to begin deconstructing this to let you know what exactly happens in the poem for the reader.

You start with the motif of impaired vision. It’s said from the start, so the constant repetition of this motif is rather unnecessary. “Silver mist obscures your eyes, / shrouding your distant gaze from mine;” that’s beautiful poetry in imagery, flow, rhyme, and rhythm. Unfortunately, it’s the shining gem of this poem, and things don’t get better from here; in fact, they fairly bottom out. You go on to say that, “You’d shield yourself if you were wise, but you cannot see,” which is a distinct tonal change from the almost mystic atmosphere you’ve brought us in the first two lines. This is verging on a threat—some sort of danger that is coming from you since his gaze is shrouded from yours. Reference within your own lines, and you get a cautionary statement that really made me anticipate some sort of anti-romantic conflict that you’d weave in.

But that didn’t happen. At all. “Your mind is off in faraway lands, laughing talking, shaking hands with those who are willing to meet your demands, and you cannot see.” Okay, so the subject of the poem is greedy and will turn to anyone or anything who can please him with what he wants. But he cannot see. We’ve already gotten this in the first stanza, so the forcing-the-motif-in deal doesn’t work here. It doesn’t even go with the rest of the stanza, in my opinion.

I don’t like where that stanza took your poem, Devan. It just doesn’t seem intentional to me.

The last stanza is fairly the same. So apparently in his seeking acceptance and pleasure, this subject has acquired a crown, a sort of royalty that I assume represents self-righteousness, or at least seeing himself as better than you/me/whomever. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen “everything’s crashing to the ground” in a poem, but it’s yours to decide upon.

I hope this provokes some thoughts as to the focus of your poem. Keep writing, and let me know if you have questions or comments.

-Lumi

Great job with the rhyming and flow of the poem. My only suggestion would be to add spaces between lines so that you have more teases because it sometimes flows too quickly. Also I would've liked one last rhyme at the end of the poem. But overall, the poem was EXCELLENT!