Saxophones in Fall

Jasmine perfumes the woolly foreboding
which waxes o'er the balcony, rails, lawn chairs,
trails of suburban-blue and me and you.

The moon marbles and bobs like yolk in the milky sky;
I swear there could be a saxophone somewhere
underneath these stars that were here before.

The pot's half gone, perhaps an ounce in the hamper,
he says, fixing his stare on nothing in particular.
I, being dry,

sip my tea and cup his words–
of which I know will not remain–
and partake of the night air.

Naked, as if sashimi–so supple, raw–
a whipped density that gives pause
to the wish to chew our thoughts;

Our lot's here.

To be totally honest, I didn't really understand the interpretation of this poem...but it was very interesting to read and try to decode all of the words. It had a simplicity about it, but the way you worded it was astounding and very poetic. I know that is not a very good word used to describe the poem, but it was the only one my mind.

Keep up the good work!

Wow, this was great! Very poetic, but sadly, I won't be able to give you much feedback, it's past my level of poetic skills. I understood it, but parts of it weren't easy for me to get the first time I read it. For example, the last sentence doesn't make much sense to me. Maybe it's just me though. This was really beautiful sounding, you used great words and lines that made it awesome enough for me to like

Inkwell,

I've come to try my best at deciphering this! Actually, reading through this...nothing really confusing at all xD

Jasmine perfumes the woolly foreboding
which waxes o'er the balcony, rails, lawn chairs,
trails of suburban-blue and me and you.

Not a fan of "waxes o'er". Perhaps what bothers me is the 'o'er' part. Just seems out of place with the poem as a whole if you ask me. The stanza itself I kind of liked, it makes me think of this smoky atmosphere--woolly is an interesting description which makes me wonder a bit more about this. You've got something going with this lyrical bit in that last line there.

The moon marbles and bobs like yoke in the milky sky;

Oh wow, what a lovely description of the moon. Mmhm. It just sounds so pretty. Seriously, how did you come up with such a brilliant line? This poem is meant to be read out loud, I can tell you that much. I applaud your use of marble as a verb xD It certainly makes a unique twist to the whole "the moon looks like a marble" haha. I love the use of 'milky' and I like the description of 'yoke'...but just something about these two images together! How frustrating! xD Ah well, I love this line too much to suggest changing anything.

I swear there could be a saxophone somewhere
underneath these stars that were here before.

Your poem certainly sounds like a saxophone. This gets a like.

and partake of the night air.

Partake in the night air, perhaps?

Naked, as if sashimi–so supple, raw–
a whipped density that gives pause
to the wish to chew our thoughts;

Our lot's here.

SQUEEEEEEE! Loved this imagery I'm crazy because it's 4am! But you have certainly made the staying up worth it. This is just breath taking. What a wonderful poem. I could really learn a thing or two from this xD

~ As always Audy

Hi inkwell!

Okay, so you're a gifted writer that can use the the five senses in order to express yourself. For example, in this poem you have the taste of jasmine, tea, and sashimi. You also have the perfume of jasmine wafting through the air. You have the haunted sound of a saxophone which may or may not be there. You have the hotness of the tea and the feeling of sashimi. You have the view of a cloudy sky. So, there's a lot to be said about this piece as it is very sensual and you definitely try to convey yourself in the most sensual way possible.

The only question I can see is... well... what exactly are you trying to convey sensually? What is the meaning of this poem? To me, it is just a setting, and nothing more. Perhaps you can attribute this sentiment to my lack of close reading. However, to me it seems like something is missing... an overall direction of the poem, I guess. For instance (and this is only one part of the poem, but it continues throughout), you talk about sashimi and that gives the feeling that there is sashimi. But is there? The metaphor seems odd if there is nothing like that there. Wouldn't it be more fitting to talk about a squirming tongue that slips and slides on words that don't seem to be there? It just seems odd, that's all.

So, in the poem you keep describing what is not there, except for the tea, the words which were spoken, the people involved, and the night sky. However, there are other things which seem phantom: the words that you meant to say, but didn't come out, the saxophone, the sashimi, and the smell of jasmine (though that might be explained with the tea). But everything else seems shrouded and strangely missing. You end with "Our lot's here" but in that case, it seems like your lot, whatever that is, is more of a lot of nonexistence. What is there, exactly? Everything is clouded over and surreal to the point where one wonders his own reality.

So, maybe this is what you intended. Maybe you intended to ghost the reader with all these sensations of things that weren't actually there, but it felt like that within the poem. Who knows? All I know is that it seemed weird. If ghosting is your intent, then I would say go for it a little more. If ghosting is not your intent, then I say trim the poem to say only what you want to say. But right now it seems lopsided and hastily done, and I don't quite like that.

Your sensuality in poetry is good... now move on to say what you need to say.

Hi there!
The title immediately caught my attention, mainly because I play the saxophone and so I became curious.
Anything I might've suggested has been said in earlier reviews, so I'll just say that I thought this was beautifully written and was very soulful.
I enjoyed it
Keep Writing,
-Briggsy

First of all, I would like to say that this poem was, simply put, amazing! I loved the description and the word choice was phenomenal!

inkwell wrote:Jasmine perfumes the woolly foreboding
which waxes o'er the balcony, rails, lawn chairs,
trails of suburban-blue and me and you.

This stanza opens up the poem BEAUTIFULLY! I especially loved your choice of the word "o'er" as it adds extra uumph on the overall mood of this poem, which I interpreted as very laid back.

inkwell wrote:The moon marbles and bobs like yoke in the milky sky;
I swear there could be a saxophone somewhere
underneath these stars that were here before.

The description of the moon is beautiful! It definitely creates an image in my mind. The saxophone part of the whole poem quite confused me, but maybe I'm not seeing as deep as I should I loved the last line of this stanza. Very beautiful and calming

inkwell wrote:The pot's half gone, perhaps an ounce in the hamper,
he says, fixing his stare on nothing in particular.
I, being dry,

Although it was a bit confusing at first, after reading it a few times, I loved how you didn't use quotations for the man talking. It just made the whole poem more mysterious? I don't know how to put it. It was amazing, so don't worry. The part that caught me off guard, was when you said "I, being dry," and then finished the sentence on the next stanza. You might want to move the rest of the sentence to the first stanza.

inkwell wrote:Naked, as if sashimi–so supple, raw–
a whipped density that gives pause
to the wish to chew our thoughts;

This whole stanza just confuses me. I'm not sure why....

inkwell wrote:Our lot's here.

I really enjoyed this concluding stanza. It was very concluding? I don't know.... it just tied the whole poem together and I quite liked it.

Overall, this poem was AMAZING! I really enjoyed your word choice. Keep writing! BRAVO

This was well written, the prose was dripping with imagery and you managed to appeal to the senses - even the yolk moon, of all things - but for the most part you don't take us from A to B. I didn't feel as though you left me changed, altered in anyway, rather I got a glimpse at a scene, which was at times a little unusual but there really wasn't an underlying story or theme. And I know poetry is vague, and things are left unsaid and the reader draws their own conclusion. And the feeling should be enough, but they weren't. It failed for me, it was a joy to read but nothing resounds. I may have forgotten this before I get to bed, which is a shame considering the stylistic merit, and images induced.

hope this helps in some way,

JP

I frankly haven't the time or patience to painstakingly smother every word with my thoughts and decipher the beautiful imagery. I just wanted to say that this was absolutely fabulous and oozed gorgeousness. This is just on the outside, mind you. There may be slight issues with the deeper, underlying themes running though this poem, but otherwise it was polished and perfect and I loved it. But you know I love your work, Inkwell. I like your Avatar, by the way.

~ Amelia *drooling with jealousy at the amazing-ness of Inkwell's work*

The imagery is beautiful. I agree with everyone else, the yolk moon is f'ing gorgeous. I'm so jealous I didn't come up with that.
I also love that you 'cup his words', similar to how you would 'cup a cup', lol, that sounds ridiculous reading it over, but I'm sure you understand.
One thing I would mention is that the poem seems very abstract, and that there appears to be only setting and mood. There is an abundance of marvelous imagery, but no plot really. Unless this is what you intended. I'm not sure.
Lovely writing

To show my love and adoration for you, I came to review this ;D.

So, first off, lets start with praise, seeing as a greater portion of my thoughts on this are merely that. Praise. You have a way of setting a tone with your poems. One in which really works out for your favor as this one, in general, takes on a very mellow, nostalgic feel as the imagery reminds me of comfort things such as rain and the scent of jasmine. It also takes a turn for the more chill, mellowness simply because of the jazzy feel which is created by the marbled moon and the saxophone.

Now, as it goes, I found myself really enjoying this bit. Enjoying the way it felt, the way it seemed to begin and end itself. Its the kind of poem mean't for rainy days and times when things are not emotionally overbearing. Its probably why I respect this so much. You have a way of getting past the the melodrama of many a piece and take on subject that are a little more soulful and deep.

I suppose, because of this jazzy, mellow feeling I get from the first bit, I have a troubled time with the last stanza. Not that its a bad stanza or anything. In fact, its rather a terrific stanza, but placed next to the others, its almost strange that you should use sashimi, or a food metaphor all together. Out of place next to the saxophone and the marbled sky. It gives a great pause and puts across a wonderful thought process, but it in itself seems random next to a poem that seems to fit all quite nicely together.

My favourite line had to be this one;

sip my tea and cup his words–

The simplicity of it and the way in which it connected seems so meticulously perfect.

You are a fantastic poet, Inkwell. A fantastic poet indeed.

~Walker