cardinal on a wire singing your heart out to the world where no one listens to you i know you and you know me - you come here every spring and then you fly away without me
Last edited by Vervain on Tue Sep 27, 2011 1:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
Sad poem, but quite beautiful I made a connection between the bird and the wire, as though this is it's 'life line', like a wire to someones heart. This singing allows it to release bad energy and so he sings so that he/she can carry on. Only thing I would say, and it's only very petty, but capitals should be appropriately placed.
Ofcourse it is in your head, but why does that mean that it is not real? - Wisest man I've ever known, Albus Dumbledore.
Short, sweet and to the point. I read a bit in depth on this and it made me a bit sad reading it. It tells me about loneliness and how sad it is to be left behind. I would like to see some more emotions in here, stronger words maybe. Also, I would get rid of the punctuation in it, all except the dash. There is only one comma so it feels really unnecessary, plus the lack of punctuation gives it a much more simpler look I think. That would be about my only critique because it really is a good poem.
Ciao! Write more like this!
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. -Anonymous.
I understand about the capitals. This is one of my works that has nothing capitalised at all, which was common for the "phase" I was going through at the time. More of my works have some capitals than others; some have none at all. A majority have capitals on the personal I's but no other letter. It really depends on when I wrote it.
And I might get rid of the punctuation to simplify it - now that's a thought! Ridding myself of punctuation instead of adding more. - edit - I did get rid of the commas; it looks simpler now, and I think I like it. I might not, though, so I'm going to keep another version with the punctuation intact. ^^
I really do enjoy these short poems of yours. I'm not a big poetry reader, ask anybody, but I do like the subtlety of your work. And the simple lines, the quiet images. There is no climax, no denouement; rather a nuance, a bump in the road. Again with this, you stir something in me, and you don't waste any words.