Something like twilight

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An earthquake erupted through my dream world. My eyes snapped open and I threw whoever was shaking me across the

room, and I pinned the person to the wall to with my left hand and my right went around their throat and immediately I

could tell it was another vampire and it was a man. "Who are you!?" I was startled by the unrestrained rage that seethed

through my voice. All that came out in a response was choking. I let up my grip on his throat. "Stop you’re going to kill

me!" "Xander?" I let go immediately after realizing who it was. “Well someone’s been training; normally you couldn't hold


me down at all." I smirked. "sure." he rubbed at his neck, his longish jet black hair showed off his cheek bones and made

his steely blue-grey eyes seem to glow. His face looked like you'd expect a bluebloods to look with the small slightly

pointed nose and square chin. His older brother crash looked nothing like him if a random person walked up to them when

they were together they probably wouldn't be able to tell they were brothers. Eli Thompson had short orange hair and

emerald green eyes his chin was rounder and his nose was rounded.

Xander checked his neck and his eyes widened, "I have a bruise!" I laughed. “Because that will take so long to heal." My

tone radiated sarcasm, silence filled my darkened room, I looked over the modern designer decor it seemed so

insignificant. "So why’d you come here?" while I asked him my right eyebrow slowly went upwards. “Unless you came here

to get your butt handed to you?" "Whoa! Someone’s feisty this morning!" "Shut up" I said dismissing him. His face

suddenly turned serious, “I had a dream," "what about?" I asked. “It was glimpses of a battle arena, a few of Eli but most

was of the stands." "The people sitting in them looked ready to riot their eyes wild and they were screaming like crazy for

someone’s death." “I couldn't tell who they were talking about." "You were in one," he said as he pointed to me," you

were sitting in a large golden throne, next to you was a closed golden casket, so you wouldn’t be able to see who was in

it. "I didn't understand why I was down in the ring." he paused. I urged him on. "Eli screamed at me that “I should have

taken you and ran.” Then I woke up as he started to run towards me.”

"Xander? Remember when your dad tried to home school you, me, Eli, Cery, and Clary?" "Yeah, him and his crazy ideas."

he laughed with no humor. "The first lesson in Vampire legends was about brothers having dreams about being in an

arena and people in the stands. You think it maybe kind of like the same thing?" "But that would mean!" he gasped. I

nodded my head taking in all the aspects of what we'd just discovered. "And that would mean that the girl was already

chosen!!" "Oh my god! Your right she has to be around our age!" "I wonder if she knows about this." "Well you didn't so

how would she??" "So I'm a..." I nodded. We said it in unison. "Prince." the room got silent.

My window shattered from the force that sent it upwards. I looked at Xander I could see the excitement for new blood

come into his eyes. He faded back into the recesses of the room. As the intruder entered my room i felt the conflict of

two polar opposite emotions roll through me like rapids. I felt the need to turn and run away the aching of that fear hurt,

and I felt completely calm and secure. Maybe that was just being in my own house. The intruder had a shaggy grey beard

that hung low on his massive chest his face was worn with age but his eyes looked young and full of life. When he saw me

he smiled his teeth were beautiful and scary at the same time. They were sparkling white pointed teeth. He looked like

the vampires off of 30 days of night. "You Chaiah and Andrews daughter?" his voice was a mix of accents that scraped my

ears. "Yeah."


His smile broadened. "Great! Where’s Charles son? I waited to come until you were alone together." Xander who had been

quietly watching the scene from the shadows chose this time to make his entrance. The man’s face fell. "You’re not the

one I need. But I might as well talk to you since I can only get ahold of you." the man said vaguely. Did that mean he

needed to talk to Eli?” I wondered this silently. Xander got that look on his face, the one he always got when someone

compared him to Eli. "and what exactly do you need me or my brother," he spat the word," for?"

The man narrowed his eyes. "So it's you. I've been watching you and your brother for a little over 2 months, and I saw

you Xander as the nicer kinder-hearted one. I was wrong. Eli is not the one I need to talk to it's you." "What exactly is it

that you need to talk to me about so desperately that you had to stalk me?" Intense anger was in his voice. The man

laughed it was not a kind sound, it was the kind of laugh you would know death followed if you heard it while alone. “You

are a prince no one and I mean NOT A SINGLE SOUL CAN KNOW you know this, well except her," He pointed back towards

me. And I realized we still didn't know his name.

He started talking again this time to low for even my ears to be able to understand. Xander nodded expressionless. Then

the pounding at the front door started "Aria!" my name was yelled by Roman. He kicked in the front door and ran up the

stairs to my room another set of footsteps followed. My door flew off the hinges and straight at the painting on my wall.

Cary’s face appeared over Romans shoulder. "Who was here?! Tell me now!" Roman demanded. "Xander." I told him

casually since both Xander and the man disappeared from my room. "You’re not telling the whole truth, I smell another

here too." "There was never anyone else here," I hoped my face looked confused. Cery was staring at me, he knew I was

lying. "Cerion, who was here?” Roman asked staring at his son. “Dad i think Chloe got a new fancy French perfume I can

smell the alcohol." So he was covering for me now nice to know. "Ohhh, you meant that smell yeah I can't smell it

anymore I’m used to it." I lied. “Ok, get ready for school its like," he checked the watch he was wearing only now did I

notice he was in a suit." 7:30." "Kay, I will after y'all leave." i told them hinting to leave. “I’ll fix the doors later." "Okay

bye." Roman walked out of the room stepping out of the whole where my door used to be. Cery stood there staring at me

for a second and without a word he turned and left.

"Chloe’s here!" Cerys deep southern twanged voice called up the stairs. My best friend Chloe stepped into the room in all

her cheerleader glory. Her platinum blonde hair (it's natural) straight as a pin, her Gucci clothes the hype of the fashion

runways, she as always had no makeup on but lip-gloss.

"Hey Aria!” She said in her over bubbly cheerleader way. "Hey." Her plastered on cheerleader smile looked like it killed

the muscles in her cheeks. I wondered if she put petroleum jelly on her teeth to keep up that kind of smile.


“You’re not ready for school!!" "It’s been a long morning." she smiled. "Want me to get you ready?" I smiled back at her

knowing she'd put makeup on me and curl my hair. She walked into my attached bathroom; she laid out her supplies on

the marble counter and went into my walk in closet. She selected a dark blue dress that was a little shorter than knee

length; she knew how to set off my liquid crystal blue eyes. My darker blonde hair had gotten lighter, from all the sun I'd

had. I laughed at the day dream picture of me bursting into flames, as she did the last curl. "Go put on the dress." she

ordered. I quickly got changed. I already looked different. She put eyeliner, mascara, and pink lip-gloss on me. She then

selected my black flats. "That's it; now spin in a circle so I can see if I need to fix anything." I spun as told. "Perfection!"

she smiled a real smile full of warmth. "Can I do this every morning?!" she asked being completely serious, she loved to

do this. "If you want to." she walked out of the room "its 8:00 we better get to the car." she said like she cared about

school.

"You brought the limo again didn't you?" she laughed “you know me so well!" "So that's why I'm so dressed up." I said

laughing. "No! I just wanted you to loom nice!" I raised an eyebrow. "Ok yeah, I admit it I set you up on a blind lunch date

with the new guy." "Chloe, why?" I asked pleadingly. "Well I can't have you waiting around for Cery forever." I looked at

her incredulously. She shrugged her shoulders and smiled a knowing smile. "How did you-?" "You talk in your sleep, and

don't worry I won’t say anything. What kind of best friend would I be if I did that? “I crossed my arms over my chest. “Not

a good one." she only laughed in reply. We climbed into the sparkling white limo. I admired the sleek interior I turned on

the built-in flat screen TV. "And today you can expect it to be sunny and with a high temperature of-," the TV droned on

in the background. "Don stops the car!" Don the limo driver slammed on the brakes. Chloe immediately dashed out of the

car, and flew straight at a guy wearing a Hollister tee-shirt. I saw it was only Eli, Chloe’s boyfriend. He climbed in the car

and didn’t say anything to me. Xander climbed in after him and Chloe got in last. "Hey aria, how was dealing with Roman

and Cery after I left?" "It was so fun! We gossiped about boys and painted each other’s nails!" I said sarcastically. They

all rolled their eyes at my sarcasm. I raised my eyebrow.

“Miss Sedgwick, we have arrived.” Don stated over the intercom. All the kids stopped and stared at the eccentric vehicle

that had showed up in their little town. Eli’s face turned stony, and Xander frowned. “Babe we don’t need to draw any

unnecessary Eli’s deep voice grumbled. Chloe got this evil I hate you look on her face and scrunched up her nose, that

only I seemed to notice. “Puh-lease, like they’re going to suspect anything let alone that we’re vampires.” Xanders face

twisted, and he got out of the car. The rest of the cheerleaders stood by the awnings and they all swooned as Xander

passed. Eli helped Chloe out of the limo as if they were on the red carpet. I exited last and what stood waiting for me just

inside the door was a total surprise. I walked up the front steps into the school that girls wore clothes straight from the

runway. I walked inside the noisy, cramped Caftoruim (cafeteria/auditorium).

“Hey” a sweet sounding voice with a country twang said. I looked to my right and saw Cery standing with of all people

River Chase. River was my mortal enemy. I hated him with every fiber of my being. He was a stuck up jock, player, and

bully. He had picked on me since I was I fourth grade, and Cery was always there. He beat up River every time he picked

on me, and you totally fell for him in the process. Shut up!! I screamed to myself hoping he wasn’t reading my thoughts.

Another one of his Werewolf skills, Cery was secretly a Werewolf. His whole family was made up of full-blooded vampires,

except for Sophia his mom. His dad changed her; she was the Bella to his Edward. I mentally laughed at myself a Twilight

reference, when my life sounded like it belonged inside of it.

“Hey who’s the babe in front of you Claiborne? “Aria,” Cery twanged and grabbed my hand, his eyes smoldered. Was it

cold in here? I couldn’t tell his touch sent shivers up and down my spine. The butterflies in my stomach I hoped didn’t

show through on my face. River thought I was hot? The thought shocked me; the guy that had picked on me since I could

remember liked me? The look on Rivers face showed the way he felt about Cery holding my hand. “Bye chase, have fun

explaining that to your girlfriend.” He pulled me away from the crowd. “Wanna ditch?” the way he said it, it was like a

demand but still giving you a choice. I looked at him, I knew he needed to shift but didn’t want to alone. “I need to

change.” “Fine, you know where to find me.” Part of me was kind of sad that he didn’t want to take me home. But not in

the lets go home and make out way. He walked away and I started for home the makeup wouldn’t leave my face and my

hair would stay down but the dress would be changed out.
Last edited by southerngirl5379 on Sun Sep 25, 2011 3:55 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Just by glancing at this, I can already tell that there will be many errors. The long, chunky writing doesn't appeal to anyone, and I would suggest breaking it into paragraphs. Every time a new person speaks, you start a paragraph. Go back and look it over for yourself, break it into paragraphs, search for grammatical errors, and then think about what this story needs to make it the best it can be. Editing isn't always about grammar.
Also, welcome!
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
— Dr. Seuss




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Yes there are ALOT of errors. Punctuation, new paragraphs, civilization; all needs to be looked at. I saw that the limo driver's name was Don but then changed to Dan. It has a good story line but it was very confusing. Characters' names weren't always capitalized.
Good story though! :)
I'm not inclined to resign to maturity.
If it's alright, then you're all wrong.
But why bounce around to the same damn song?
I know, you know, that I'm not telling the truth.
I know, you know, they just don't have any proof.
Your worst inhibition's gonna psych you out in the end.




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First opinions "WOAH." You have to split it up. Every new piece of dialogue gets a new line. You can even double space.
I'd read the whole thing, but it's very difficult for me with all the words bunched up (I have bad vision :( )
If you resolve this problem, PLEASE PM me this story link! It seems interesting, even from the get go. Sorry, again, for not reading.
I'm a high functioning sociopath, do your research!
-
"You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club."
- Jack London.




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Thanks.I know my spell, punctuation and grammar checks jacked up. And yeah don't really know where to put different paragraphs.




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Hello! First thing I have to say is just: woah. Spacing is WAY off in this story. I literally read the first 'paragraph' and stopped because my eyes hurt from trying to seperate it up. Try seperating like this:

An earthquake erupted through my dream world. My eyes snapped open and I threw whoever was shaking me across the room, and I pinned the person to the wall to with my left hand and my right went around their throat and immediately I could tell it was another vampire and it was a man.

"Who are you!?" I was startled by the unrestrained rage that seethed through my voice.

All that came out in a response was choking. I let up my grip on his throat.

"Stop you’re going to kill me!"

"Xander?" I let go immediately after realizing who it was. “Well someone’s been training; normally you couldn't hold me down at all." I smirked.

"sure." he rubbed at his neck, his longish jet black hair showed off his cheek bones and made his steely blue-grey eyes seem to glow.

His face looked like you'd expect a bluebloods to look with the small slightly pointed nose and square chin. His older brother crash looked nothing like him if a random person walked up to them when they were together they probably wouldn't be able to tell they were brothers. Eli Thompson had short orange hair and emerald green eyes his chin was rounder and his nose was rounded.


See? Wasn't that alot easier to read? It's a simple fix, but it makes things ten times easier for readers.

Also, capatilize character's names. I know that previous reviewers pointed that out, but it's important! Capatilization is really important; try to capatilize everything that needs it! It makes your writing look alot more proffesional.

On the subject of your title; don't compare your writing to someone else's! You are unique in your own way! If your at lack of a title, just write 'Lack of title.' If you'd still like something about Twilight in there you can! Just remember: you are unique!

I can tell you have alot of passion for your story: that's amazing! Passion for a novel is always important. Keep it up, but keep grammar in mind!
I have loved the words and I have hated them. I only hope I have made them right.

---The Book Thief---

Hi, I'm Sunshine! It's lovely to meet you!



If you're paranoid that you're making your novel worse with each passing decision clap your hands
— Panikos