to kiss a dream goodnight

Spoiler

Due to the subject matter of the poem, I'm keeping my explanations short. Its kind of a love-poem, but not really. Rip it apart.

Continuation;

Russian Lullaby.

to kiss a dream goodnight

resonating, unabashed you
whose brazen lips seek folly in
but songs with tepid meaning
and words of rendered truth --
soft is the touch of your darkness
which seeps and steals and
delights in such delicate madness.

in such relevance i partake
and sip with no consequence;
morbid intoxication balancing
on the tip of my tongue before
curling and swirling in emotion -
and with words heard, but not said
you own me, branded as i am

of the day, i seek the night
in which you beckon, subsequently
and perversely, if such is truth,
yet the weight of your word
is of utter importance, and the sound
of such a voice, chills the limbs
of a dwindling tree that is me.

so fain to replace reality with you,
and enjoy temperate loneliness
when wishing only to kiss
each stoic dream goodnight.

Wow. The poem is very real and artistic. The feelings this poem gives to the readers is astounding. I particularly like this verse:

but with words heard, but not said
you own me, branded as I am

It shows how much the speaker really feels for the person of interest. That their heart belongs to them and they are constantly reminded of that.

The only grammar problems I found were capitalzation and two variations in verse breaks:

Rresonating, unabashed you,
whose brazen lips seek folly in
but songs with tepid meaning
and words of rendered truth --. The period I suggest here it mostly optional due to your hyphen breaks, but it might fit better.
Ssoft is the touch of your darkness
which seeps and steals and delights Setting the word here makes it flow a little better and keeps the constant rythym going
delights in such delicate madness.

Iin such relevance Ii partake
and sip with no consequence;
morbid intoxication balancing
on the tip of my tongue before
before Flows better. curling and swirling in emotion -
and with words heard, but not said: Put some sort of punctuation or indication that the following verse is the specific you are mentioning.
Yyou own me, branded as Ii am

Oof the day, Ii seek the night
in which you beckon, subsequently
and perversely, if such is truth,;
yet the weight of your word
is of utter importance, and the sound
of such a voice, chills the limbs
of a dwindling tree that is me.

Sso fain to replace reality with you,
and enjoy temperate loneliness,
when wishing only to kiss
each stoic dream goodnight.

Other than the few grammar mistakes, the poem was very excellent and inspiring. One of the very few I've read that connects with people and still holds the meaning intense. Bravo! Keep up the good work. :]

Really imaginative. I would have preferred it to rhyme, because I generally like poems more when they rhyme, but I don't think the emotion and the feelings would have come off as strong if it did. Really good, keep it up!
-Anna

Hey, Dreamwalker!

I'm sorry I can't come up with any suggestion because your poem is wonderful! Apart from the punctuation 'mistakes' that others have pointed out (and that don't matter when you have such a great poem), your poem is flawless. It reminds me a bit of Shakespeare's sonnets. Very complex and well-done. Although you didn't use a rhyming scene, I tell you -- I couldn't care less! There is a certain melody that comes out with this poem as I read it, it's pleasing to the ears.

Let me congratulate you for your vocabulary and your style! Lovely poem!
Julie

Dreamwalker! Halloee!

So the sweet and beautiful title caught my eye and I'm glad I chose to review this because I totally loved it!

I like how this is written in a way that's cryptic and yet so vivid and full of imaginative descriptions.

The structure was a bit wobbly and I corrected/suggested a few changes below, punctuation, capitals and so on.

To kiss a dream goodnight resonating,
unabashed you - whose brazen lips seek folly in.
But songs with tepid meaning,
and words of rendered truth --
Soft is the touch of your darkness,
which seeps and steals
and delights in such delicate madness.

In such relevance I partake
and sip with no consequence;
morbid intoxication balancing
on the tip of my tongue,
before curling and swirling in emotion -
and with words heard, but not said
you own me, branded as I am.

Of the day, I seek the night
in which you beckon, subsequently
and perversely, if such is truth.
Yet the weight of your word
is of utter importance, and the sound
of such a voice, chills the limbs
of a dwindling tree that is me.

So fain to replace reality with you,
and enjoy temperate loneliness,
when wishing only to kiss
each stoic dream goodnight.

Overall though, this was very beautifully written and the end line ties the whole thing together and yeeh. Amazing!

Served on a golden plate, with the finest raspberries you get 4½/5 icky, sticky spiders!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hey Dreamwalker!

Okay so... yeah, this is definitely a weird love poem. Not quite sure if I would call it quite a "love" poem as there doesn't seem to be any real love here... it kind of seems like a power play, quite honestly. I mean, look at it... over and over again, the speaker is referring to the lover as someone who is overly aggressive, and not quite in a good way. You have the lover being "unabashed" in seeking "folly". This is kind of what I would describe as an asshole... what can I say? I like gentle corrections over a brash tongue.

From the poem, this lover also does not really seem to get the idea of romance at all. For the songs, he sees folly. And he spreads darkness which then proceeds to create insanity. Far from this being a romantic gesture, this kind of has all these alarm bells come up. For me, darkness should not proceed insanity because that means that insanity is something to be hidden away and kept secret. However, to me, I like bringing it into the open and letting everyone to see, for if it is indeed madness, I like to know whether it is mad or not. However, truth doesn't really seem to exist here, because it truth can be "rendered" into something, implying that truth does not exist, however is created.

The next stanza is even worse. So, even though madness is admitted, there is no real consequence and this madness and lack of truth is taken as relevant only, but not interesting at all. This ambivalence creates a kind of nonchalant tête-à-tête of intoxication. Which is really kind of weird because there is all this erotic imagery concerning the tongue and everything, but nothing is really happening. The speaker is branded, but not through any action but rather through an understanding... a rendered truth? I don't quite like it.

Can you see why I think this is a bit creepy? It's definitely very dark. The romantic lead seems to be someone who takes over things with his words and to kill off the speaker. I mean, what else could explain the dwindling tree? So I don't quite like this poem at all. It seems to be talking about an abusive relationship. -_o