Awakened

A young child, hardly able to walk, looks around to find out she is all alone.
No one nearby.
No one to hear her cry.

The young child looks up at the sky and wonders if God is there.
Only if He would show His hand and show He cares.
The child sets herself under the shade of a tree,
Wondering if she would ever sleep.

But she feels something inside herself, but knows not what it is.
And the child then rests, with a sense of calmness.
The child then hears a whisper,
Oh, ever so quiet.

"Don't be scared for I am always with you.
For I am always in you, no matter where you stray."

Then the child wakes up.
She wakes up to find streets of gold and a gate.
The golden gate opens wide.
Then light, ever so bright, appears, and she could hardly see ahead.
The young child then hears the voice again,
But now it's clear and says,

"Come My child. Rejoice, for you have entered the Kingdom of Heaven.
Here you will stay and never be alone or ever be depressed.
Here you will never be cold and never go hungry.

"Here, there will always be light so you can see.
Here, I will comfort you, for I am your God and will never leave you."
And the child smiles, walks without struggle through The Gates,
And enters everlasting happiness

Hi i'm here to reveiw!

First of all although I don't believe in god myself but I found this a very good poem.
Only if He would show His hand and show He cares.
Is he in capitals on purpose to represent god or is it a typo?
No on eto hear her cry.
Just a slight typo there nothing to worry about i'm guessing it should be
No one to hear her cry.
That just my little nit pick. It flowed reasonably well but the only thing I want to know is how did she die? Was it starvation from poverty? Illness? Murder? Overall It was very good well done!

Over all i think it was a very good poem as you were almost successful in trying to write what you were trying to write, though i personally thought that you could have made it more in interesting I can see your attitude towards poetry and would love to see more of your intense work like this one
i wish you best you luck maxlove.
Hope i helped,

Yours truly
-Stephene

Thanks stephene.(:

maxlovesfang15 wrote:[b]this is a poem I thought of this year. Please comment![/b]************************************************************************************************************************************************
A young child, hardly able to walk, looks around to find out she is all alone.
No one nearby.
No on eto hear her cry. [typo; but I still understood]
The young child looks up at the sky and wonders if God is there.
Only if He would show His hand and show He cares.
The child sets herself under the shade of a tree,
Wondering if she would ever sleep.
But she feels something inside herself, but knows not what it is.
And the child then sleeps, with a sense of calmness.
The child then hears a whisper,
Oh, ever so quiet.
"Don't be scared for I am always with you.
For I am always in you, no matter where you stray."
Then the young child wakes up.
She wakes up to find streets of gold and a golden gate.
The gate opens.
Then light, ever so bright, appears, and she could hardly see ahead.
The young child then hears the voice again,
But now it's clear and says,
"Come My child. Rejoice, for you have enterd the Kingdom of Heaven.
Here you will stay and never be alone or ever be sad.
Here you will never be cold ad never go hungry. [typo]
Here, there will always be light so you can see.
Here, I will comfort you, for I am your God and will never leave you."
And the child smiles, walks (without struggle) through The Gates, [this is a beautiufl line; maybe with the parenthesis it would be even better; since it refers to the first line]
And enters everlasting happiness

Nice over all, of course, though I don't believe everyone goes to heavan, the message is beautiful nonetheless

maxlovesfang15 wrote:[b]this is a poem I thought of this year. Please comment![/b]************************************************************************************************************************************************
A young child, hardly able to walk!!! care to explain why she can't walk?, looks around to find out she is all alone.
No one nearby.
No one to hear her cry.repetition was kind of unnecessary, but probably just my opinion. ^ ^;;
The young child looks up at the sky and wonders if God is there.
Only if He would show His hand and show He cares.
The child sets herself under the shade of a tree,I like the word "sets" used in this context.
Wondering if she would ever sleep.
But she feels something inside herself, but knows not what it is.
And the child then sleeps, with a sense of calmness. maybe using a different word for "sleep" would be better.
The child then hears a whisper,
Oh, ever so quiet.
"Don't be scared for I am always with you.
For I am always in you, no matter where you stray."
Then the young child wakes up. "young child" is an overused phrase. ;;
She wakes up to find streets of gold and a golden gate. Too much use of the word gold.
The gate opens.More description here, I think, would be a good idea instead of just this sentence.
Then light, ever so bright, appears, and she could hardly see ahead.
The young child then hears the voice again,
But now it's clear and says,
"Come My child. Rejoice, for you have entered the Kingdom of Heaven.
Here you will stay and never be alone or ever be sad.a better word for sad, maybe.
Here you will never be cold and never go hungry.
Here, there will always be light so you can see.
Here, I will comfort you, for I am your God and will never leave you."good.
And the child smiles, walks (without struggle) through The Gates,why parentheses?
And enters everlasting happinesssomewhat cliched ending, but a good idea. I think you should figure out another way to phrase this...

I think this has great ideas, although I've seen this a lot before, but you could definitely work on the ways you use them. However, you have things going for you, and you have a basis and lots of potential to make this poem and the rest of your work really, really great.
Keep working on your writing, and I wish you good luck!
I'm sorry if this seems a little harsh. ;;

Naw not harsh at all. It's okay. I fixed some of it I guess.
Thanks for the comments!

Warning; the following is complete fluff and shall make the author smile (unless she hates fluff).

Bravo! I love this! Truly! *Stands up and claps*. You deserve a hug from God for this piece! Not kidding!

Thank you Hope!! Lol