Buried in Ash

Spoiler

I am tired of ignorance.

My eyebrows furled as the students looked up at the grand poster of the smouldering towers just before they'd collapsed. They were not kids I was fond of. The boys made some crude remark not worthy of repeating and pulled out a sharpee. I looked on in absolute disgust as they drew stick figures plummeting to their doom. They finished their cruel alterations, clapped each on the back, and continued on to class.

As if they had a mind of their own, my feet brought me before the poster. Standing five feet back I still had to arch my neck to see the top of the towers. The crude stick figures the boys had drawn twisted my insides. I spit on the sleeve of my jacket and rubbed the laminated paper furiously to no avail. My tears did no good in washing them away, either.

My school always said "We shall never forget."

At least they didn't lie.

They haven't forgotten.

It's just that they don't give a damn.

I too, Veritas, am tired of ignorance.

This is no place for my personal opinions on 9/11, I know this, but please just allow me to say this one quick thing: I was not in America at the time 9/11 happened and I can not relate with those who were there in America during the collapse of the twin towers or lost loved ones in the attack. However, I did research it and I feel sorry for those who died in the fires and also for the families who had loved ones taken away by an attack fueled of hatred. Even though I was not part of U.S.A during 9/11, and would not become part of it for a few more years later, I still find myself feeling anger when someone mocks the attack, when someone jokes about it or when someone makes fun of it. I don't know what your personal story might be, Veritas, but I can see, if only a tiny amount, what inspired you to write this.

Nitpicks:

Did the angels catch them when they jumped
and bear bore them to the heavens?
Or are their souls still buried in ash?

Because the rest of the stanza is in past tense - past tense because you used the words/phrases "Did the angels catch", "jumped", and "buried" - the highlighted verb should also be in past tense.

It was an easy mistake to fix and the only one I spotted.

Overall:

I love your voice through this passage, the emotion your main character sends out in such a small amount of words. I've no complaints on this, I believe it was very well written and structured. Your words flowed together almost effortlessly, and you described without letting the imagery take over.

There is nothing really I can say on this without taking up the whole review with how great I believe it was. Though I do believe this should be in another forum since their is a story attached at the bottom of it. Even then, that is just an opinion. I am not entirely sure, actually, where this should be put.

Anyway, as I've stated before, I thought this to be brilliant, and I hope I was of some assistance to you.

Love,

LovelessSummer

this is very well written. I love the emotion put into this. the feeling you've expressed. the sorrow that lingers even now. I really don't have much of a review. It was just good.

the poem had a lot of strong deep emotions!!!! thats what made it so amazing!!!!!

Man, this was such a powerful piece!

Did the angels catch them when they jumped
and bear them to the heavens?
Or are their souls still buried in ash?

This was absolutely perfect and sent shivers down my spine.

What malice could bring about such fear?
What hate could bring about such malice?
It is beyond my ability to understand.

Ugh, did some kids really do that? That's awful. How can someone joke about something like 9/11? I'm glad you wrote about this.

Hey Veritas!

I was kind of avoiding September 11 pieces before while the sensationalism was at its highest, so I didn't get a chance to read this until now (what can I say? I was tired of the "not giving a damn" part too) but, with that said, I am glad that I read this. It's really quite powerful and doesn't have the sap that these sorts of things traditionally have, and for that I am very thankful of!

Still, I realize that this is placed in dramatic poetry for a reason? The poem is definitely not as strong as the story. In fact, it seems a little lopsided with each other. The poem is not what twists you in the insides... it is the story. So, I think you might be going through this using the wrong sort of methodology here. It's not that the poem is bad -- it is in fact very good for what it is. It just seems to be a weird contrast. I think it might be better to expand the story too.

I don't know... if you're in to poetry, I guess, you focus on the poem more. I am more into fiction, so I guess the story interests me the most! But just play around with it more. Both parts should have equal weight and at the moment they don't.

Maybe you can do certain things? You might want to trying writing it so that the people in the story disregard the poem too? Just a thought. Mind you, I don't know if the story is true or not. Maybe, if it is true, you want to preserve the reality of the poem. But it would only be a quick jump to have them graffiti the poem... especially if it were on the poster, or whatever. So you can say: "The poster said this:" and introduce the poem. Except, you know, in your style and everything. My style seems to be really blunt, so we're very different, so definitely do what you're comfortable with! ^_^;;

All right, I'll shut up now. Hope this helps!

For some reason, I assumed this person was a teacher, at first. Then, as I read it again and again, I realized that maybe it was a student. Right now, I think it's another student, but I'm not entirely sure. Maybe you could clarify that by simply adding "other" in front of "students", but this is just so wonderful that at the same time, I'm hesitant to tell you to change anything. Seriously, this is heartbreakingly beautiful.

I also wondered why the person didn't come up while the boys were in front of the poster, and interfere to to stop them. Is it because of shyness? Because they didn't think they could do anything?


I haven't seen any of this happening myself, but then, I haven't really been around any people like this. I do find it very strange that the kids I see now know nothing of the twin towers. I was watching when they fell, and although I couldn't quite understand the magnitude of what was going on, I will always remember pacing the room as the scene played over and over on tv, wondering who this sister of my aunt was that we were worrying about, and grateful that my mom, a flight attendant for American Airlines, had not been on any of those planes.

I wonder... I don't think about the twin towers all the time, anymore, and the death of all those people is not my focus. Is this forgetting? Or is it simply moving on? I'm not sure, because I feel ashamed for not remembering those people more often. But will a tribute or a memory bring them back?

I'm glad, now, for my college. On the eleventh, they put out a bunch of flags--one for each person who died that day. So I want to reassure you, though it may not mean much--there are people who still care.

I'm sorry that this isn't the greatest review ever. I found nothing to nitpick--I love your style, the combination of poetry and prose was exceptionally moving, and I found no spelling or grammatical errors. This is the kind of poem you want to spread around, because it means so much. Thank you so much for writing it, I really enjoyed reading it.

Come to think of it--in your own way, you are also a hero. Thank you for remembering. Thank you for writing. Thank you for taking up for our heroes, and thank you for caring. You are awesome, and this means a lot.

Maybe... maybe poetry is more important than we know.

Again, thank you.

this is really good and emotional, i like your point of reality that some people just don't give a damn. Freinds and family were lost that day and it should allways be remembered whatever country we live in. This is a good piece of work.