Nightmares Chapter 1

Shiori jumped up in bed, her forehead glistening with sweat from the nightmare she just had. Breathing heavily, she threw the covers off of her, her midnight black hair tangled from tossing and turning, from trying to reach the surface of the water...

'No! Don't think about that...' She got up from her bed, not caring to make it up today. Exiting her room, she saw that the house was vacant. Her parents and older brother must have already left for work. Too bad she was just seventeen and still in high school. But she did have a part time job in a book store.

Her brother was twenty years old and was going to be a doctor soon. Her mother worked as a secretary for a big company that Shiori kept forgetting the name of. Her father is a lawyer. So her family was a bit on the wealthy side. So what? That didn't mean that she wanted people to treat her different because of the money she had.

But that's exactly why they treat her differently. That and the fact that she's got a figure that a model would kill for. Not that she was happy about it. Actually, she hated it. It was just another reason why they treated her differently.

She grabbed a granola bar and scruffed it down in three bites, chased it down with milk, and got ready in time to hear the door-bell ring. She grinned at how impressive the performance was and opened the front door to see her best friend of six years, Siyanna.

They've always been together. So much so that they were practically connected at the hip. Shiori smiled at her best friend, the only person who didn't treat her differently because of her money or looks.

"Did you have it in record time again?" Siyanna asked.

Shiori nodded. "Yup. Actually, I beat the old record. I stepped out of my room right when you rang the bell."

"Hell yes! I tell you what, man, we're freakin' awesome!" Her friend laughed as she swung her arm around Shiori, walking her out the door and closing it behind her. "C'mon chickie, or we're gonna be late fer school. And we don't want that now, do we?"

"Ha ha, nope."

"And besides, you don't want him waiting, do you?" Siyanna smirked.

Shiori blushed. The him that she was talking about is no other than Derick Romas. His dark brown hair covering half his face; he was silm, much like Shiori, but much broader; his eyes were an off green, like the color of a misty rain forest. She was remembering all this by memory. 'Talk about stalker....'

"Be quiet, you. Hey, don't you have someone you like?" Shiori teased.

"S-shut up..."

They got into Siyanna's car, a midnight blue Dodge convertable, and sped off towards school. They were there in less than fifteen minutes.

Siyanna stepped out of the car and turned around to tell Shiori something, when she noticed that the girl hadn't gotten out yet. She walked around the car and opened the door, peering down at her small framed friend. Shiori looked like she had trouble trying to pry her finger nails out from the arm rests. "Y-you... need to stop... driving so... so..."

"Sooo...?"

"Maniacally!"

"Is that even a word?"

"Yes, it is!"

Siyanna just laughed and helped Shiori out with her fingers.

Afterwards, they walked into the gym to wait for school to start. Because of Siyanna's maniac driving, they were one of the first ones there. Only three people in the gym right now. The third person was a boy.

With dark hair covering half his face.

Slim, but broad.

Off green eyes like the color of a misty rain forest.

And a wicked smile that grew with each step that Shiori took.

Hey! I'm Dragonette and I will be reviewing your story today! Just warning you, I haven't reviewed in a LONG time, but I'll try my best!
So, you have a pretty good story going on here! You've painted a picture, and I'm just doing the finishing touches. So this stuff is just really me being picky, but I hope I've helped!

Shiori jumped up in bed, her forehead glistening with sweat from the nightmare she just had. Breathing heavily, she threw the covers off of her, her midnight black hair tangled from tossing and turning, from trying to reach the surface of the water...
The last part in this sentence doesn't really go as smoothly as it could. When I write I try not to have the word "from" twice in one sentence. It's just redundant and it makes the sentence "stutter". Also, the sentence should probably end with a dash - instead of the three periods. A dash shows a sharp ending, where as the periods shows that the thought is slowly trailing off.

'No! Don't think about that...' Again, the three periods. She got up from her bed, not caring to make it up today. Exiting her room, she saw that the house was vacant. Her parents and older brother must have already left for work. Too bad she was just I would use the word "only" seventeen and still in high school. But at least she did have had a part time job in a book store.

Her brother was twenty years old and was going to be a doctor soon. Her mother worked as a secretary for a big company that Shiori kept forgetting the name of. Her father is a lawyer. So her family was a bit on the wealthy side. So what? That didn't mean that she wanted people to treat her different because of the money she had.

But that's exactly why they treat her differently. That and the fact that she's got a figure that a model would kill for. Not that she was happy about it. Actually, she hated it. It was just another reason why they treated her differently.

She grabbed a granola bar and scruffed it down in three bites, chased it down with milk, I really like the discription there with the milk and got ready in time to hear the door-bell ring. She grinned at how impressive the performance was and opened the front door to see her best friend of six years, Siyanna.

They've always been together. So much so that they were practically connected at the hip. Shiori smiled at her best friend, the only person who didn't treat her differently because of her money or looks.

"Did you have it in record time again?" Siyanna asked.

Shiori nodded. "Yup. Actually, I beat the old record. I stepped out of my room right when you rang the bell."

"Hell yes! I tell you what, man, we're freakin' awesome!" Her friend laughed as she swung her arm around Shiori, walking her out the door and closing it behind her. "C'mon chickie, or we're gonna be late fer school. And we don't want that now, do we?"

"Ha ha, nope."

"And besides, you don't want to keep him waiting, do you?" Siyanna smirked.

Shiori blushed. The him that she was talking about is no other than Derick Romas. His dark brown hair covering half his face; he was silm, much like Shiori, but much broader; his eyes were an off green, like the color of a misty rain forest. She was remembering all this by memory. 'Talk about stalker....'

"Be quiet, you. Hey, don't you have someone you like?" Shiori teased I would add "in reply" or "back".

"S-shut up..." I wouldn't have her stutter here, it gives the wrong impression. Stutter is normally a sign of worry/fear

They both got into Siyanna's car, a midnight blue Dodge convertable, and sped off towards school. They were there in less than fifteen minutes.

Siyanna stepped out of the car and turned around to tell Shiori something, when she noticed that the girl hadn't gotten out yet. I would go with "Stepping out of the drivers side, Siyanna turned around to tell Shiori something when she noticed that the girl hadn't gotten out yet" I think that the "ing" sentence opener helps the sentence to flow more smoothly with the paragraph above. And I added "out of the drivers side" instead of simply "out of the car" because this way, we know where she's coming from.. She walked around the car and opened the door, peering down at her small framed friend. Shiori looked like she had trouble trying to pry her finger nails out from the arm rests. "Y-you... need to stop... driving so... so..."

"Sooo...?"

"Maniacally!"

"Is that even a word?"

"Yes, it is!"

Siyanna just laughed and helped Shiori out with her fingers. I love this dialogue! Haha, great job

Afterwards, they walked into the gym to wait for school to start. Because of Siyanna's maniac driving, they were one of the first ones there. Only three people in the gym right now. The third person was a boy.

With dark hair covering half his face.

Slim, but broad.

Off green eyes like the color of a misty rain forest. <-- I like the way you introduce him with these short paragraphs, it catches your attention. And I like the way it referes back to your previous descriptions.

And a wicked smile that grew with each step that Shiori took. I must admit I don't like the "wicked smile" though. When I see this, I keep thinking of wicked, as in evil. But if you wanted to keep that word, you could turn it into an adverb and say something like "wickedly cute smile" or wickedly hot smile"

So there's my review. Hope it kind of, sort of helped! I can't wait to read more!
~Dragonette

I don't really know what to think. It was really short and I don't think I'm supposed to thing much at this moment, because surely it is going to continue. I have to admit though, I'm mildly curious.

The only thing I want to comment on though is mainly that you just tell the reader all the details. Its basically telling and not showing. Its okay in the beginning of a novel I guess, but it still is really, well boring. There is nothing for left for the reader to question. And basically that isn't a good thing. By creating questions for the readers, it makes them continue reading due to curiosity and the desire to know the answers. By just being bland about it leaves nothing.

But that's exactly why they treat her differently. That and the fact that she's got a figure that a model would kill for. Not that she was happy about it. Actually, she hated it. It was just another reason why they treated her differently.

This is a perfect example. You did this through out your story. Instead of just blatantly telling us that yah she is gorgeous and the people are all jealous and up in her grill, find a creative way to get that accross, maybe through the interactions of other characters like through her best friend; 'Omg, you are like so pretteh.' Instead of revealing that her job is at a book store, why not actually make her go to work later on and reveal that detail. Instead of just saying, show it. Maybe describe her moves, just so to reveal her appearance stealthily without over-doing it.

That will also help get the idea of the character's appearance better across then what you have now.

There was another moment that really bugged me though.

"And besides, you don't want him waiting, do you?" Siyanna smirked.

This line peaked my interest. I was like, there is a special boy, ohlala. But then you shot that down in the next paragraph telling us just who he was and yah, he was special. Why not captivate the readers interest for a bit you know. Like use the ending of the chapter to reveal just who this 'guy she couldn't keep waiting' was. It would make the story a lot more interesting.

The beginning of a story has to have a hook to get the readers attention. The nightmare was really cool, but then you lost that impact right away by going in and just blandly explaining what her parents were and well, yah. Be creative, make it different.

You have believable dialogue, which is awesome, but otherwise I find your characters not very special. They seem like the cliche teenagers. Maybe you were going for that, I don't know, but there is nothing really unique about them. But then again,its really too early for me to judge on things like that. Though I would suggest getting more descriptions in on what her friend looks like. And maybe to continue on with my above thing of showing and not telling, make them have a discussion about how it has already be six years they have known each other or something. That way you can work on characterization in the way they speak. Make them different. Only takes a little bit of imagination.

Otherwise, good start and I hope to see more of your work.