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,,,sucks that you cant just delete your work...

Hello, AriannaK.

First of all, I like this story, it's very interesting.

One thing I noticed first though is this,

A little over an hour later, Cora arrived at Summer’s on her old rusted purple bike. Summer’s house was the weirdest green-brown color. Bushes lined the front of the house by the door and an array of brightly colored flowers were decorated around the yard, nestled in with the lively green grass. The door was grey, and the shutters on all the front windows were a faded yellow and the garage door was black. It was the most noticeable house in the neighborhood.

This is exposition. And, as far as I can tell, completely unnecessary.
Why do we need to know what Summer's house looks like? Does it add to the mood of the setting? Does it show something about the people who live inside it? Or does it do neither of those?

Don't describe something in detail like this unless its going to move the story forward and show us something. At the moment, its just a description of something that doesn't matter that gets in the way of the two characters.

Again with the description.

Cora didn’t ever bother putting on any makeup. Her hair was a light brown color, naturally strait, and was brushed so more hair was on the left side than the right. Years back, she had had her ears pierced, but now, since she had never really worn earrings much, the holes had closed up. She didn’t even own any makeup. Not even one stick of eyeliner.

I think you could lessen the thing about Summer to about two sentences and then add to it, Cora didn't even own a stick of eyeliner. We'd get the picture, Summer wears makeup and makes sure she's dressed perfectly and in a skirt etc. Cora on the other hand is in jeans. Doesn't even own eyeliner so she most likely doesn't own any other makeup so we see her face natural. Because we then have a natural image of her face, we wouldn't expect her hair to be full of hairspray, you know.

Just my opinion though. Hope this helps in some way.

Hey AriannaK,

I realize you're pretty new to YWS so I first would like to welcome you! I think for an early piece of yours, this is actually pretty good. It definitely got more and more interesting as I read a long. Keep working on this and keep writing. Sometimes we like to edit our pieces so meticulously and never get anything done, but even though I pointed out a few things here, I want you to continue with this story before you worry about the edits ^^

That being said, I certainly agree a lot with what Butterfly said! Just to add:

"Why a skirt?" Cora groaned, as she shoved the phone into her jean pocket.


Cora always wore blue jeans and a T-shirt, no matter what the occasion usually. She hated dresses and skirts, and didn’t know why anyone else would want to wear them. You couldn’t do anything in skirts/dresses and high heals.

As far as I can tell you don't really need that second paragraph of exposition because you say all of that with just one line of dialogue. There is a difference here. When Cora groans "Why a skirt?" this is a hint to the readers, who immediately process the fact that the reason for Cora groaning is that she doesn't like to wear skirts. I mean, you see the difference between "showing" versus "telling"?

In the first line, "Why a skirt" you're involving the reader to try to figure out why Cora is saying this and why she is groaning. So we're being engaged in the characters, the actions, and her dialogue. Whereas in the second block of descriptions, you tell us what you've already shown us. And there is no involvement of the reader at all. It's actually quite boring, in fact. I mean, why do in 50 words, what you can do in 5?

"Yea, like, they always get a hotel on their anniversaries."

I think you're hitting the "like" just a bit too hard.

Summer climbed into the front seat and hit the garage door button that was clipped onto the window shade. The garage door noisily lifted from the ground as Cora climbed in after her.

Why are you explaining all these minute details? I mean, what is the purpose? Couldn't you just say that she climbed into the front seat and opened the garage door? We read fiction to escape from reality, not to experience every mundane detail of reality. You wuldn't want to read a story where a character wakes up, takes a shower, puts on clothes, brushes their teeth, eats breakfast, heads to school....It's just boring.

...It was like so cool! They didn't notice me at all. That's, when they mentioned this very important meeting of only vampires.

Do people really talk like this? Summer just seems like a stereotypical 2D, flat character. She doesn't seem like a person at all. It seems like her only purpose is to act as a foil to Cora.

As long as you believed in magic, believed what you were saying, and believed it would work, it would, for witches. Spells were easy. Magic was like electricity. Kinetic and potential energy. A witches mind was as battery, and his or her words were the wires, the outcome was light. That’s all you needed for spells.

Interesting concept!

"Now, you all know why we are here . . ." The blond vampire, in front, began, "Our plan will begin now . . . Years we have waited . . . planed . . . and now we shall begin . . . ."

Woah, is the formatting a bit off here?

Everybody immediately sprung into action. Summer flung the front door open.

Around this point, things got interesting. Definitely a lot more suspenseful and your descriptions have gotten A LOT better!

Overall, about a third of the way in up to the end of this, was much much better than that beginning half. Keep working on this, but a great start!

~ As Always Audy