Hunts Equestrian Academy Chp. 1 - Part 1

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Chapter One
I sat at my wooden desk in the restless maths classroom on that first day. My uncontrollable, urban hair spindled away from my face like elegant, bundles of silk. I hadn't made many friends, so I had to amuse myself. I kept my jade, green eyes, transfixed on the clock, counting the endless seconds until when the school bell was set to ring.
I was a new student there at the prestigious school, situated in the countryside of Essex in England. It was named Hunts Equestrian Academy and was my dream boarding school, an elite college for those young, passionate riders, grasping their chance to get to the top. And that was what I was doing, but I was grasping the edge of my table, ready to leap to the top of the line, outta here! I had packed my pencil case and books into my turquoise, Toggi bag which was now stashed under the table on my knee.
"Now, can anybody tell me the answer to our last equation? Jamelia, as you seem so intent on keeping your eyes on that clock, please do so and provide me with an answer." Mr Beaton smirked at me and the rest of the class found it really, quite funny and sniggered. It didn't bother me. I sat there, my high cheek bones framing my relaxed eyes and not once taking my eyes off the second hand, which was very close to twelve, I answered, " 4a+d-10j, sir."
At that point, Mr Beaton in all his smugness lost his signature smile. The bell rang right on queue and I was first sprinting down the corridor. I raced up to my dorm and when I reached it I slowed to a walk. There were four houses, Chesnut, Grey, Bay and Roan which I was in. Each had two dorms, one for boys the other for girls.
Roan girl's dorm looked quite modern, with its kitchenette to the right of the door, and grand new steel fridge with ice dispenser. Opposite the door was a free standing, metal spiral staircase to the sleeping rooms, which held four people.
The rest of the room was taken up by a lounge space. Plush, crimson carpet spread out across the room. The black leather sofas were scattered about, usually pulled into rough circles of three. White, fluffy blankets and white, fluffy cushions were shared between each of the sofas. There was also a pile of Ipads, stacked up on the far table, all internet connected and were used for homework. A big plasma screen TV was hung on the wall and had a Wii, and a basket full of DVD%u2019s, mostly about horses.
The smell of vanilla and coffee, wafted up my nose, reminding me of home. My mum baked regularly and her favourite recipe was vanilla shortbread. I walked up the staircase to a corridor. Door, after door, after door lined the hall. I reached the top of the stairs and looked down the passage for the first time. I had been told at the start of the day that my bags would be taken up to my room before I got there.
A noticeboard hung from the wall and I stumbled towards it, bag still hanging from my arm. I didn't really know why I had bought it, the teachers kept all our books, so all it had in it was my Paperchase pencil case, sparkly folder and my homework planner, which was already etched on.
On the noticeboard was just on sheet of paper, pinned to the middle of it. It had the names of the people in each room, I gulped and read on. Finding my name under room thirteen, I read the three other names on the list. The three other people I'd be in the same room as for the rest of the seven years of my stay at Hunts Equestrian Academy.
Angela <3




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Hello there! My name is Hawk and I'm here to review.

First off, I should just tell you that I love horses, so I'm excited to see where you take this! So far the description of this school sounds like just the sort of place I'd want to go -- I love that the houses are all named after the colors. Very clever. ^_^

All right, so this was fairly short and therefore I didn't have a lot of time to get to know much about Jamelia. I've deduced the fact that she is a math whiz of sorts, and obviously loves horses. I've got a pretty good idea of her appearance, and you did a good job with not cramming all of the physical descriptions in at once, as sometimes happens.

Aside from those few facts, though, I don't have anything else to picture, and that's important. When you start a story, part of the challenge is making the storyline intriguing and hooking the reader's interest, so they'll keep on reading. The other part you have to consider is your character, especially your main one. After all, this is the person that the reader will be embarking with on whatever adventures are in store. This is the person we are going to get to know the most, since we will be privy to their thoughts, dreams, and challenges throughout the story. So you really want to get a firm grasp on who they are, how they're going to react to different situations, and how you can make them be as realistic and true to their personality as possible. Humanizing your characters can be a tough thing, but adding in little details and quirks can help.

So, getting back to Jamelia, let's have a little more insight into her characteristics. Show us how she interacts with more characters; tell us what she's thinking about, why she's so anxious to get out, what she's feeling and sensing. It's amazing how much you can portray just through some sensory description.

Now, something I was a little confused about was the way she got out of class to go see who her roommates were. Shouldn't that have already been assigned and known before classes start? You mentioned that this was a college, and usually you find out where you're staying and who you're living with well in advance. Generally, college freshmen move in about a month before classes actually start, so they can get acclimated to their new environment. So unless Jamelia enrolled late, or this college has a different process, she really shouldn't be finding out where she's living this late.

All right, so that's all I've got to say. This has some good potential and I'm very interested to find out where you're taking this story! Please let me know when you post more, and don't hesitate to contact me if you've got any questions or whatnot. :)

Cheers!
~Hawk
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Hi, Angela!

So agree with the previous reviewer in that we really didn't get a glimpse into what makes your character, other than she's at a college for, uh, horse riding (Forgive me, I don't know the term!)

What I see instead is you putting (some) level of detail into things that really don't need too much detail at all. While it's nice to know that a character has jade green eyes, it's also not necessary and I'd much prefer to have insights into her personality than to know what color her eyes are.

I also see a lot of telling instead of showing. Like, for instance, we're being told that this school is prestigious instead of being shown that it is!

So in a nutshell, more insights into your character, showing, and less telling. I really did enjoy your writing style, and definitely think you have something going here for you! =) So feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!

Sachi
"Funniest Member -- Sachiko. Secretly the devil. Do not engage. I repeat, do not engage." -- Iggy

"Behold ye babes of grammar: the goddess Sachiko. She does what she wants." -- Lauren2010



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