May I Have This Dance?

Simultaneous rhythmic steps,
the sound of violins,
singing through the rooms.
The sweet smell of her breath,
and her soft touch on my shoulder
as we dance across the hardwood floor.

Her smile shines in the dull lights,
her hair swings as we spin,
her hand lovingly holding mine.
She pulls me closer as we move,
and feel her heart pounding on my chest,
wondering of she feels mine skipping beats.

The whole world fades before me,
and she fades with it.
I sit alone, no music playing,
no beautiful girl to dance with.
I wake up once more
to face the harsh realities of life,
as a single tear escapes down my cheek.

hiyya LooneyPandaxx here!!!

i thought this poem was really deep and has happened to me a lot. i asked my family and they said it could have been much better if there was something good for him at the end of all this... but the twist was more dramatic.
keep writing!!!

Arspoetica! Good afternoon.

So you’ve got a really nice base here. Imagine it as a foundation you’ve laid for a rather pretty house. You have the hole in the ground and the foundation poured, but you haven’t quite built up the meat of the house as of yet. And while that may sound like an insult, it really isn’t—or at least, I don’t intend for it to be. See, very much like myself, you have a prosaic form of poetry that is really easy to lose sight of as for as legitimate poetic elements go. In fact, if we took out your line breaks, we would have the following:

Simultaneous rhythmic steps, the sound of violins, singing through the rooms. The sweet smell of her breath, and her soft touch on my shoulder as we dance across the hardwood floor.

There are two things that I really want to pick at here. First off, you need to watch your syntax. See that first sentence? Well, it’s not a sentence. It’s just a duo of images to set the stage. But given the talent you show through the remainder of the poem, I think you can do much better at setting your scene. Secondly, you don’t have much of an impact in these first lines—at least not as much as you need. Think of poetry as a boxing match: have a good first blow, and be able to finish with a devastating jab. Now, while there’s ultimately nothing wrong with what you’ve done here, it just can be improved upon. But I’m sure you’ve gotten the message by now. Now, the second half of the stanza does begin to weave us into the action of the poem, and it’s a scene anyone should be familiar with.

Dancing.

To be more precise, dancing in a ballroom. Since Beauty and the Beast came out ages ago, that’s all I think of when I see ballroom scenes. You know why? Because they’re cliché. They reveal that closeness between two people in both physicality and emotion—and you’ve captured both of these things well—but it just does it the same way everyone else has done it, and I think you’re better than that.

So stop.

How can you bring originality to this piece? It really only takes a detail or two. Where are they dancing, how? It’s ultimately up to you, but I’m going to continue the review on this piece as it is since that’s all I have to work with.

Now, your adjectives and adverbs throughout: sweet smell, soft touch, lovingly holding, beautiful girl, harsh realities; they’re rather dull. Give me more. I’m practically begging for it.

Anyway, he wakes up, and it turns out that the girl was just a dream. Poor guy. I’ve actually had that dream before, believe it or not. So you’ve captured a solid idea here—at least one that will resonate with guys who’ve had this dream…or a similar experience. Anyway, it all ends up working in the end, but it’s just lacking high quality. And I suppose that’s what I review for. So take this review with a grain of salt when I say that you’ve done both a fantastic job and a basic job of writing poetry. Like I said in the beginning, you have a foundation here. Build your talent, your poetry, your art, from this place.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments, and I hope this helped.

-Lumi

Hi there!

So this is really good. The idea for this came for a dream, you say? That's so cool! I get a lot of good ideas for my writing in dreams. I do think, however, that you could do a lot better. The ideas in the piece, while they come through very well, do so in a somewhat bland and uninspired way. I can't really picture what's going on very well, and it could be in part because you don't use imagery and word choice as a way to create images to your advantage.

What does the girl look like? Why is the narrator so in love with her? Where are they dancing? Are they by themselves or with others, like at a dance? What does the room like? How does this girl make the narrator feel when he dances with her? You structure this poem well, and I think you have the skill to use words to create a deeper image and make this a lot more meaningful.

These are just some things to think about -- overall, it was very good. Keep writing, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~ Elinor