The Puppet Master

I'm sure someone a little younger than 16 could handle this, but there is some suggested violence. Enjoy.


“Go on.”

“I can’t.”

“Of course you can. Just do it!”

“No! I’m not listening to you!”

“Oh? Why not?”

“You don’t exist. You’re a creation, a figment of the imagination.”

“Really? That’s what you think? Tell me something then. Did you cry for me?”

“What?”

“When you killed me.”

“I didn’t kill you! You were suicidal.”

“Don’t make me laugh; it hurts my head. I’m not the suicidal one. Now answer the question. Did you cry?”

“Well, yes.”

“Exactly. So tell me, can you cry over the loss of something that never existed?”

“I –”

“The answer is no, you can’t. Now do it.”

“Please, leave me alone. I’m trying to think.”

“But that’s why I’m here: to help you think.”

“No, you’re trying to kill me!”

“I’m not the one holding the gun.”

“Why are you here? Tell me truthfully.”

“Fine. Everything I ever did in my life was yours. Now it’s my turn to play the puppet master.”

“I don't know...Please.”

“I never had the opportunity to plead. Now… DO IT!”

“Dear Lord, take me.”

“No! Idiot! Do you see this hole in my head? That’s where it’s supposed to be, not your chest. What’s that? You’re going to have to speak up.”

“Cry…for me?”

“Haha. We both know I can’t. You said it yourself. I don’t exist.”

Hello Searria!

So obviously, you have the start of a very powerful emotional story here. From what I can tell, you have a good concept. This story, with a little polish, could really impact your readers.

So some suggestions. You have a "talking heads" issue. Essentially, what that means is you have mostly dialogue, with little else. What we need here is more context for that dialogue. Maybe that's description of expressions on faces, or the setting, or your MC's feelings. We need something more so the reader can get some sort of picture in their head.

Also, I am a little confused as to who these two characters are. One of them is dead, and the other is about to kill himself, sure. But why does the dead man blame this other man for the destruction of his life and his resulting suicide? Why does this other man feel the need to kill himself? Is the dead man a manifestation of the other mans guilt? Again, I think if you add more context, it will clear up the confusion.

Best of luck with this! I think you have an interesting plot here, we just need more information. If you have any comments or questions, please feel free to message me.

Thanks for the read,
Audrey

This is very bland. oo"

The concept and the premise should evoke powerful emotions, and if this is what I think it is (a delusional man breaking down), then it's simply not creepy enough. I read a story once, and it went like this too. The main character suffered guilt over someone else's death, and the ghost of that person was haunting her. (Well, not really. It was a delusion too.) But you get the point.

To make a story like this work, you'll need more atmosphere, and the tension needs to be ramped up by a hundred percent. This isn't anywhere near as creepy as it would be if you'd only thought to include an atmosphere, and if you'd let body language do something for you.

I read Audrey's review, and clicked on the article. I politely disagree. I think talking heads would work as *part* of the story as opposed to the whole. Usually, the author has established some sort of feel for the story, and a general tone and mood has been set before bits of dialog like those mentioned come out.

You have very little characterization here, and your protagonist's guilt seems overblown and unfounded until that mini infodump (the train and the disease, etc.) later on in the story. Cut the infodump and leak it in some other way, preferably earlier.

Now, characterization is very important, because otherwise, your talking heads are no longer heads, but disembodied voices that don't even sound distinct from one another. This sounded a bit like bickering until the aforementioned infodump, which brought the creepy level up a notch.

While I'm on the topic of characterization, I'd like you to note you lack voice. The article Audrey mentioned above gives examples that have voice. What's voice? It's the personality of your character bleeding into your prose, and once you nail this, it'll do wonders for your story. Even the weakest of plots can be carried by a strong voice, and the story will come out decent. Often, it'll trick most readers into thinking it's amazing even though it's not really that good, simply because it has voice.

A voice doesn't have to be bitter to be strong, but it has to be distinguishable. It's something different from everything else; it's what keeps your prose from becoming a bland string of words.

Finally - remember what I said about tension? Let's go back to that. The tension in this story is internal; it comes from your main character. You need us to feel his panic, his fear. Nothing in this shows fear or panic. Trap the reader in the story with this madman and his delusions, and you'll have yourself a willing victim.

There are two ways you can go with this to make it better:

1. You make it quick and snappy, a shock.

To accomplish this, you use short sentences and little description, but a lot of voice and characterization. Your voice will have to be very strong, and you need to trust it to carry your piece through to the end. Every thought of your character, everything he agonizes over, must be shown. Guide us through his mind as he races through insanity and guilt and panic. Then, end it with a bang (literally or figuratively - preferably figuratively, because a literal bang is a bit obvious).

Alternatively...

2. You can make it long and drawn-out, haunting and creepy.

For this, you'll need more atmosphere than voice, and dialogue will be optional. If you do go with voice for a creepy effect, then your sentences must be long, and you'll want to have excellent flow. You want good flow with both of these, but it's more important in this second one than it is in the first. Here, the words need to sound like a song. It needs to stay with the reader, and though you won't want to bore the reader by sticking around too long (which is why I recommend going with atmosphere as well), this will leave your reader with chills. The ending won't need to be as grand, but like the rest of the piece, it'll creep on your reader and leave him queasy.



I think it's also worth mentioning that delusions work best when they're subtle. You want us to realize this is his madness speaking to him, but you don't want to tell it to us outright, the way you did here. Show it through subtle clues. I particularly disliked the bit where he told the other person, "You're not real. You don't exist."

You killed everything right there. Show us he's not real, because the main character himself doesn't seem so sure the other person exists. Keep your protagonist guessing, but clue the reader in somehow. As I mentioned, I read a story like this, and the writer accomplished this (cluing her reader in) by mentioning how a bullet hole was in the chest of the delusion, and how it never detracted from his beauty. She did two things with one sentence: she sent the reader into a little tizzy of panic for the main character (Why does she notice his beauty when there's a bullet hole in his chest? Is she all right? Obviously, no, but holy crap someone save her -), and she effectively establishes that the dead man isn't real, or is a ghost. (But the way her atmosphere and the general story was set up, she'd made it clear it couldn't be a ghost.)

Let the reader find out by casually mentioning something that tips them off, and allow the reader to panic. Don't panic with us - just show us the panic. But if you do wish to panic with us, then it better be good, and it better reflect the reader's own panic. Remember - panic = short sentences, incomplete thoughts, etc.

Lastly, remember to throw in a dialog tag once or twice. Following this became confusing after a while. Some people suffer from too many dialog tags; you suffer from a lack of them. Don't be afraid to let the reader know who's talking every once in a while.

Anwyay! I hope you found this review helpful. This is all built from my opinion, so don't take anything definitively. If you have any questions, PM me.

Sincerely,

Octave

Thanks for the reviews, guys!
Originally, this came from a dream I had about an author talking with one of her characters. I am a huge fan of dialogue tags, but I wanted to mimic the style of another "Purely-conversational" story I read last year. I tried to make it work, but I'll probably end up caving and putting in more details.
Thanks again.
-Sea-

This is a really cool conversational piece. I like how the main character is talking to a voice in his/her head. I think you could add more details--without breaking conversation--by having the two talk about what previously happened. The backstory is a little confusing. Plus adding some more would let you develop their relationship better. Really show us how the voice is "The Puppet Master" instead of having it just scream at the other character the whole time. I think you also need a more concluding conclusion.
Overall it's really cool and I hope you do more with it!