One New Message

Authors Note:
I wrote this piece for english class and my teacher only used it as a reference piece and i would like some opinions on it from people who don't know me, before i submit it anywhere. This story does deal with suicide though i don't think in a super graphic way but if that bothers you, this is not the story for you.
Thanks, i hope you enjoy this.



Real life changing stuff isn’t like on Oprah, you don't anticipate it or often even know it will be life changing when it happens. You know your life is going to change when you see your lotto numbers come up to win a few million dollars but you don't know your life is going to change when you see that you have a new text message. It doesn't even cross your mind that it might be something serious or important. That day opening that that text was probably the single worst thing that ever happened to me.

You can ask how horrible could it have been in less than a hundred and forty characters but those words: its too late i already took all your medicine tell her i love her tell him i love him, are words i will never forget. Ever. Standing on that little bit of sidewalk flipping out and crying something in me just shut down. I barely remember handing the phone to my friend as explanation and her filling in her boyfriend. But even those memories have a dreamlike quality to them. The rest is hard to grasp in my mind to even try to explain. I don’t know whether I’m just suppressing bad memories or what happened.

Somehow though i simultaneously thought it couldn't be true and was so serious i need to sprint home. I don't remember how i got to the streetcar stop but i remember the first streetcar was not even on that should have been there it was a diverted one that would take me home faster. The streetcar ride is a blur i remember my phone died and i got even more worried. When i got off the streetcar i ran home, said something curt to my neighbours hello fumbled with the lock and my cold hands.

I took the stairs two a a time praying i wouldn't slip on any of my brothers lego on the way. That hallway seemed about a million times longer than normal and weirdly my guinea pig wast making annoying noises nor were my brothers rats fighting. Her bedroom door was open, and just like in all those cliche adds there were open pill bottles on the desk. And there she was lying on the bed like when someone who is really drunk just falls asleep sprawled out in weird positions with there clothes in disarray. I made one of thoes stupid decisions that you look back on and go what the bloody hell was i thinking. I called my dad not 911. He was around the corner and rushed home after telling me to call 911.

Calling that number even just finding the courage to press talk after entering those three numbers it absolutely terrifying. When whoever it is answers and asks you what the emergency is suddenly everything becomes that much more real. My dad only just beat the ambulance there. All the neighbours came outside and started asking me questions i never once said she tried to kill her self i always said she took a lot of pills. That is one of those thing i look back on puzzled, why the distinction.

The difference between knowing they are going to carry her out and seeing it is huge to see the paramedics actually carry her out was so shocking, numbing, horrible there just isn't a word for how i felt at that moment. My dad had to go with her to the hospital to sign forms and thing and i was left to call her parents. How do you tell someones parents in another language your not entirely comfortable speaking you daughter took and eff load of pills in an effort to kill herself because her boyfriend abroad decided she was cheating on him and broke up with her than the next day pictures of him and another girl being all buddy buddy appeared on Facebook. She spent a few days in the hospital stayed a few more days in canada then went home and got back together with her boyfriend i stopped being so angry at her i could barely talk in her presence and mostly it all went away.

Life changing experiences are not like on Oprah. Usually they are so horrible that you are never sure if even all the kings horses and all the kings men can put everything back together again.

Hi there! Welcome to YWS!

That day insert comma here opening that that text message, was probably the single worst thing that ever happened to me.

Just a few small errors. You need commas in this sentence and you repeated the word 'that'.

Another thing, when you're describing what the text message says, you should italicize it and put in on a seperate line. That way it'll be more apparent to the reader what the message actually says. Otherwise it just blends into the story.

I took the stairs two a a time praying i wouldn't slip on any of my brothers lego on the way.

This is totally my life! Anyway...

Overall this wasn't a bad piece. There were some spelling errors (you seemed to not capitalize the letter 'I' everytime you used it) and some run-on sentences. I suggest that you go back over this, re-read it carefully and pick out your mistakes. The emotion you put into this is great though. I really liked the part where you were describing how the main character had to call 911. I'm sure that he/she wasn't insanely comfortable calling 911 and you did a good job describing that emotion.

I hope this was helpful! Keep writing!

Hello there! YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN!

Basically, I'm just reviewing your work today. I will show you the original line (in quotes), then make my adjustments in red. Shall we?

Real life changing stuff isn’t like on Oprah, you don't anticipate it or often even know it will be life changing when it happens.

I like this passage better if there's a semi-colon, or even a dash. It's proper in grammatical terms, and just looks a little neater and more professional ... stuff.

Real life changing stuff isn’t like on Oprah; you don't anticipate it or often even know it will be life changing when it happens.

Just a note on things that I noticed; now, Noelle already touched on this, and that is being the fact that you should italicize the text that is in your story.

Watch for small spelling errors, and always be sure to capitalize the pronoun 'I', even if it doesn't begin the sentence. If you need to, run a spell check before posting to make sure everything is spelled correctly.

Calling that number even just finding the courage to press talk after entering those three numbers it absolutely terrifying.

I've found numerous sentences in here that were like this; they needed commas! A little tip, in case you're unsure: read the sentence over. If it sounds like you're babbling, then you might just need to add a comma. Here's my little edit.

Calling that number, even just finding the courage to press talk after entering those three numbers, is absolutely terrifying.

OVERALL:
I feel as though you could've touched on the descriptions a little more, maybe dragged it out. This piece can grow immensely still, and you've clearly got the basis down to edit it a bit maybe, touch it up. Put a bit of make-up on the piece, per say, by drawing things out for tension, and showing -- not telling -- the reader what is going on. How does the character feel? What does the character see? What does the character feel when he/she touches something? What do they hear? The story becomes that much more riveting when the reader is pulled into the story, and simply cannot yank themselves out of that story. Bring us into the character's shoes a little more.

Anyway, all the same, good work.

-- Flux