Dead Broke -- Chapter 2

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I went ahead a made a club for Dead Broke for anyone that is interested in me rabbiting on about the story when I'm tired and sleep-deprived. If it ends up just being me talking to myself, I'll still end up having fun. Being easily amused has its benefits!


Chapter 2

The sun was out in force that afternoon, it hung high in the sky on its diurnal shift keeping a tight watch over all that occurred below. Hannah squinted as she raised her eyes to meet it, more out of habit than anything else; the light did not sting her eyes, nor burn out rings in her vision like a lit cigarette as it used to.

When she tried very hard she could remember what it felt like, to have the sun’s warmth prick at your skin. It would be nice on a day like this, Hannah mused, as she wandered down the streets, weaving between the absent minded pedestrians. In the busy to-and-fro of people she passed unnoticed, well, except for one small child that clutched tightly to his mother’s fingers, staring up at Hannah as they waited to cross at the lights. She had pulled a face to try and scare him but he’d only laughed and clapped his hands together in a fit of glee.

“Little bugger,” she muttered as she hurried on.

The ratio of tourists to residents climbed to uncomfortable levels as Hannah approached the market and soon she was surrounded by bum-bags, burnt skin, and conversations made up of words that she couldn’t recognise. They’d come for the musicals, to see the bright shimmering lights of the city, to buy some tacky souvenirs to give the folks back home. The market had been built in an open square in the centre of it all. It was the furthest thing from practical Hannah could have imagined, and why it had been formed in such a place she did not know.

What she did know, however, was that it was very amusing to see groups of sightseers approach the square to take photos of the plinths and statues when only one of their party privy to the hustle and bustle of the stalls and the un-dead. The looks on their faces when they realised that they were the only ones seeing the heaving crowds, shouting traders, and snarling hell-hounds never failed to illicit a giggle, not even from Ruby and her Victorian sensibilities.

“Excuse me,” Hannah stopped to ask a young man, his large beard and horned helmet were both rather charming but she did her best to keep her eyes on his face, and not on the somewhat scarred battle-axe he was wielding in one arm, “do you know where the book-stop is today?”

He muttered low, in a deep Nordic accent, and waved his hand in the direction of a rather proud looking lion statue, concentration centred elsewhere. Then, without warning, he took off into a flock of pigeons, hatchet swinging above his head with a roar. It was only after the birds had scattered into the air that Hannah saw the young girl running back to her parents’ arms, screaming blue murder.

A surprising number of people could see them, the already-dead, although it was children that always seemed to be more perceptive of the things hiding in the closet or under the bed. Once they reached a certain age, people became very good at convincing themselves that it was only a tree scratching at the window, or a pair of cats fighting each other the last slice of pizza that they’d found in some battered box on the streets. Hannah had been very good at convincing herself too, but it was a little hard to tell yourself that there weren’t things that went bump in the night when you yourself were one of them.

There was a brief round of applause from the crowd, and the ghost took a short bow.

The market was a heavy mix of people that had died both at, and in, different ages. Most of them tended to stick to the dress of their period, more for the comfort and for the memories than as any kind of fashion statement. Having only been dead for some scant four years, Hannah didn’t really seem to be all that different from the throng of tourists that milled around the square, passing through the stalls and patrons without a moment’s glance.

And, as a result of this, Hannah found it somewhat difficult to attract the attention of the trader sat behind the bookstore, who seemed to insist in staring straight to the other side of her no matter how intently she frowned at him.

“Hello?” she said, and there was a long moment where he adjusted his focus and raised his face to meet her eyes. This was followed by another long moment in which he took the time to register the fact that yes she was looking at him, not through him, and at him quite angrily at that.

“I am sorry my dear,” he said with a slow, tired, tone, “I didn’t notice you there.”

Hannah forced a smile, reminding herself that this was exactly the kind of time to keep her tongue in check and that she didn’t really need to owe Ruby any more money than she already did, before producing a rather crumpled shopping list.

“I was wondering if you had any of these books in stock,” she asked, and handed him the dog-eared scrap of paper, “I know that in particular my friend is quite desperate for Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.”

Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, the trader hummed as he ran a finger down the list, mentally checking off each title as he came to it.

“Some of these books aren’t available yet, or at least not here in any case. I know that we at least have your Zombies. Give me a moment to see what else we have,” he turned away and began to rummage through the piles of books which surrounded him. While he was running a finger down one particular pile of books, muttering each title as he came to it, a tourist passed straight though him. The tradesman waved a hand in front of his face and spluttered, as it warding off a fly.

A few moments later and he had returned with a stout pile of books. Some hardback, some paper, but mostly the former which worried Hannah as she began to think back to the already sorry state of Ruby’s bookcase.

“That’ll be £50,” he said, eyes suddenly brightening.

Hannah did her very best to keep smiling but it wasn’t particularly easy when all she felt was dismay. When Ruby had produced her long list of requirements, she had paired this with a long list of the curses and swears that she had heard slip from between Hannah’s lips over the past few days, and began to tally up how much she owed for each one.

“But how about we say we round it down, and you just foot the bill for the books,” Ruby had grinned, and Hannah had begun to think she’d have been better off risking it on the streets, no matter how delicious her soul might hypothetically be.

Alas,a deal was a deal, and this left her faced with her current challenge– how to pay for that many books with the measly £13 (and 40 pence) that she had to her name?

“Are you looking for any other kind of payment? I mean, other than cash?” She asked, tentatively.

He looked at her for a moment and then smacked his lips together, a smile teasing at the corners of his lips.

“What do you have to offer?”

Hannah looked him over. He was old, in both senses of the word. The wire-rimmed glasses that kept sliding down his nose weren’t there out of necessity, but out of habit; he’d had them a long time and had grown too used to feeling them tipped on his face than to bear to part with them. His hair was thatching, something that would have taken mere moments to return to its once useful state, but there it was all the same in its combed over glory. Add to that the fact that he would at first glance have appeared to have stepped straight out of some high-production Tudor period drama, and Hannah was sure that she had the perfect thing to pay off the rest of her bill.

“Give me your hands,” she said with a smile.

He did so.

Hannah closed her eyes, and remembered. It was behind her now, the sun. Lower in the sky too, but she could still imagine its heat pricking at the back of her neck. She let that feeling spread all over her: the warmth of its rays, that sickly feeling that occurs just before the skin begins to burn, the way that it felt when paired with a cool breeze. Instead of money, she gave him the sunshine.

“Oh, now that was nice,” he said as he withdrew his hands, “yes, yes that will do nicely.” He was looking through her again, but this time to the golden globe which was now slipping down the skyline. “It’s been centuries since I had last felt that, I had forgotten all about it.”

“Much obliged,” Hannah said with a smile, gathering up the books in her arms, waving farewell and making her way back through the crowds.

There was a family taking pictures by one of the plinths, German from the sounds of it. Hannah paused between the mother and father and pulled a wicked grin for the shot before half-skipping back home in content.

They looked at the photos later, upon their return to Germany, and complained to each other in angry voices about the rude young woman who had invaded their family portrait in the city. The youngest daughter was the only one that never complained, and the only one that wanted to keep the picture, even asking for a print-out. She found herself staring at it over and over again, wondering why she was the only one in her family that seemed to notice that the woman with the pile of books had a body that stopped half-way down.
please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)




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I can't put my finger on it, but there's something irresistible about this novel. Please keep writing! :wink:

I'm going to do things slightly differently this evening.

1. The Good

“Little bugger,” she muttered as she hurried on.

Yes. The surprise works well, and for some reason it makes me like Hannah even more.

“I am sorry my dear,” he said with a slow, tired, tone, “I didn’t notice you there.”

Yes! Also, don't be afraid to use more of this idea -- you don't even need to state it explicitly -- because the idea that ghosts just 'see through' the living is too perfect an irony to waste!

“Oh, now that was nice,” he said as he withdrew his hands.

Yes. You've tackled this so conscientiously. What a lovely idea.

2. The Bad

... soon she was surrounded by bum-bags, burnt skin, and conversations made up of words that she couldn’t recognise.

It almost works. The 'rule of three' is an excellent way to set up a gag -- it creates the expectation of a third complimentary item of the list, and so it's an ideal place to put a witty comment or criticism. But here, the first two items of the list work so nicely that the third is an unfortunate flop that doesn't really strengthen the other two or make a mockery of them. You're on the right lines though.

I feel I should try and give an example of what I mean. How about:
... surrounded by bum-bags, burnt skin, and ...
  • ... bawling babies.
  • ... the overwhelming urge to trip up the next tourist who stopped in the middle of the pavement.
  • ... enough cameras to make the London paparazzi feel out-gunned.

Am I even making sense? I hope so!

the light did not sting her eyes, nor burn outrings in her vision like a lit cigarette as it used to.

Before you read "as it used to" I genuinely thought Hannah was accustomed to shoving lit cigarettes in her eyes! How's that for incongruous? It's just one example, and generally you're good at this, but clarity is so incredibly important in comedic writing. I think it needs a quote to back it up.

"When the audience is confused, it doesn't laugh."
(Mack Sennett)

He has his own Wikipedia page. He must be legit!

3. The Ugly

He muttered low, in a deep Nordic accent, and waved his hand in the direction of a rather proud looking lion statue, concentration centred elsewhere. Then, without warning, he took off into a flock of pigeons, hatchet swinging above his head with a roar. It was only after the birds had scattered into the air that Hannah saw the young girl running back to her parents’ arms, screaming blue murder.

I honestly have no idea what's going on here. :( I'm afraid I'm gonna have to hit you with the "describe more!" hammer again. Ever so sorry about that!

The looks on their faces when they realised that they were the only ones seeing the heaving crowds, shouting traders, and snarling hell-hounds never failed to illicit a giggle, not even from Ruby and her Victorian sensibilities.

In italics -- again lack of clarity -- we have ambiguous pronouns out in force. I don't know who "they" are anymore! Amusingly (well, to me at least!) I found a great example of the 'rule of three' with an incongruity at the end! Well done -- you mucked up my "ugly" section! :P

    (And, while we're on the topic of ambiguous pronouns, I remember a worksheet from primary school on that very subject that, I recall, only encouraged me more to mess with the rules. It had examples like this:
    "If the baby does not like its milk, microwave it for 2 minutes and try again."
    "The dog bit my younger son, so I sent him to his kennel."
    Ah... Funny the things you learn from school.)

Overall

Ohdearlord. Long review is long. Congratulations if you're still reading this.

I get the feeling, rightly or wrongly, that you found it harder to write this chapter. Perhaps you did or perhaps not, but to me as the reader I feel that this didn't flow as quickly or as easily as the first one. And, weirdly enough, to me as a reviewer I think that's excellent -- it leads me to believe that you can view humour as a craft more than a gift, and the more you practice it then the better you'll become.

PM me again when/if you redraft this? It's always a pleasure, little tin fish.

Charlie
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen




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Hey tinny! Your title caught my attention, and once I started reading the first chapter I was completely hooked. :D You already got some good reviews on those chapters, and Charlie's already given you a great one here, but I had to comment.

I love this concept, and as for your tone -- let me just say, I admire British people so much. There's just something in your colloquialisms and the "voice" I can hear through the way the sentences are phrased. It's extremely evident throughout this story, and it just adds to the charm of it. I like the way you insert a subtle humor in it; you don't rely on slapstick or overt pieces of humor to get it across, and I really appreciate that. All in all, it's exactly the sort of novel I'd read and admire and try to replicate with my own writing.

I do think that, in places, you sound a bit...stretched. Like you're trying too hard to be funny, or to show that something's off, and it ends up confusing the reader and thus losing part of its humor. Some of the sentences can end up rather long and circuitous, making it hard to follow the train of thought in it.

What she did know, however, was that it was very amusing to see groups of sightseers approach the square to take photos of the plinths and statues when only one of their party privy to the hustle and bustle of the stalls and the un-dead.

I'm sorry to say, I understood very little of this. This sentence feels like you left off abruptly, without finishing your entire thought. I don't get what was amusing; are you saying that Hannah finds it funny to see sightseers getting pictures taken and not noticing the dead around them?

The looks on their faces when they realised that they were the only ones seeing the heaving crowds, shouting traders, and snarling hell-hounds never failed to illicit a giggle, not even from Ruby and her Victorian sensibilities.

As for this part, the second half of the paragraph from above, I'm not completely sure what you're referring to. Are you saying that now the tourists can see the ghosts? I'm having difficulty knowing when you're talking about the living and when you're talking about the dead.

“I know that in particular my friend is quite desperate for Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.”

Yes! I love that book! Just had to say. ^_^

When Ruby had produced her long list of requirements, she had paired this with a long list of the curses and swears that she had heard slip from between Hannah’s lips over the past few days, and began to tally up how much she owed for each one.

I really didn't know what was happening when I read this; after reading on and going back, I understand it now, but I think it could use a bit of clearing up. It's not apparent that Ruby's assigning each swear word a monetary value, and I think this needs more prominence for the humor of it to be fully appreciated. Especially since Ruby doesn't have much depth yet, and it wasn't apparent to me in the first chapter that she was prudish enough to correct Hannah over swearing. Emphasize that here, showing that Ruby doesn't approve or whatnot.

Instead of money, she gave him the sunshine.

I really like this idea, it's quite clever and inventive. However, I think it could use a little more explanation. Is this something that only Hannah can do? And if so, then how? Did she learn to do this through some special ability, or was it training? That could easily be explained in a couple of sentences, mentioning her past lessons or how grateful she was that she had that sort of power, etc., until you can give more time to it without interrupting the story.

All right, so that's all I've got to say. Overall, you've got some really great potential for turning this into a wonderful piece of work; it just needs a little pruning to reach its full bloom. I'm definitely following this novel, and I'm looking forward to reading more! Keep up the great work! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Hey Tinny!

Thanks for letting me know this was posted :)

I have to agree with Charlie in that this story really has caught my attention. I'm really enjoying the read!

Now for the nit-piks;

The sun was out in force that afternoon, it hung high in the sky on its diurnal shift keeping a tight watch over all that occurred below.


Good opening line, but I think the comma would work better as a full stop, making this two sentences, or having it as a semi-colon. It seems too 'run on' at the moment.

When she tried very hard she could remember what it felt like


I can't decide whether you need a comma after 'hard' or not.

city, to buy some tacky


The comma here might work better as 'and'

It was the furthest thing from practical Hannah could have imagined


You could add a comma after 'practical' if you want.

“Excuse me,”


The comma should be a full stop.

, “do you know where the book-stop is today?”


This should be - '. “Do you know where the book-stop is today?”'

or a pair of cats fighting each other the last slice of pizza that they’d


fighting each other 'for' the...

The market was a heavy mix of people that had died both at, and in, different ages. Most of them tended to stick to the dress of their period, more for the comfort and for the memories than as any kind of fashion statement. Having only been dead for some scant four years, Hannah didn’t really seem to be all that different from the throng of tourists that milled around the square, passing through the stalls and patrons without a moment’s glance.


I liked this paragraph. I think it really added to the story, making it more original with insight into the world you've created and adding more background to Hannah.

This was followed by another long moment in which he took the time to register the fact that yes she was looking at him, not through him, and at him quite angrily at that.


This seems a little long winded and awkwardly worded. Maybe try something like -

'This was followed by another long moment in which he took the time to register the fact that, yes she was looking at, not through him, and quite angrily at that.'

The tradesman waved a hand in front of his face and spluttered, as it warding off a fly.


I love the role reversal. Having the ghost swat at the human, rather than the other way around.

£13 (and 40


The numbers should be written out.

?” She


'she'

***

I liked that this seemed to follow on straight from the last chapter. It helps with getting into a story when you've only just started reading it, I think. I also liked that we found out more about Hannah and her world too.

I really am enjoying reading this and I hope you post more soon!

I hope this review helps :)

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Hey tin! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS


to see the bright shimmering lights of the city,


Where are they anyway? This might be the perfect time to tell us?
“I am sorry my dear,” he said with a slow, tired, tone, “I didn’t notice you there.”


No need for the comma after "tired"
His hair was thatching,


What? This is an image I've never seen.

II. CONFUSION

I love the idea you have here of a market for the undead! Things like this always remind me of Sarah Rees Brennan's Goblin Market... but that's just because I love her books so much. Anyway! So I like the concept. I'm just not so sure with the execution. As I first read it I thought the tourists were coming to see the market and then as I went on I realised this wasn't the case, however, I wasn't able to really understand the relationship between the dead and the living. While only some living people can see the dead ones and that was fine- I didn't get the shopkeeper staring through Hannah because he thought she was alive. I didn't understand that compared to Hannah's own experiences of the living- can you see through people who are alive? Then with the last paragraph with the photo, I couldn't understand that either because until now I thought Hannah had a complete body, why would it choose to disappear there? Not to mention the way she can feel the sunshine yet the old man can't? All these things are questions you can easily clear up- but that's what you have to do, clear them up.

III. OVERALL

Not quite as good as the first chapter but still pretty good :) Now I'm looking for plot!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



Not me seeing all these wall posts about peoples quotes and wondering: "When will it be my turn?"
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