Dead Broke -- Chapter 1: Part 2

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Thinking about it now, I'm not actually sure why it was that I split this chapter up? I think I failed to realise just how short this section was.


Chapter 1 (Part 2)

There were not enough books. Ruby drummed her fingers against the deep stained wood of the case in agitation as her eyes scanned over the titles it held, Wuthering Heights, Sherlock Holmes, Interview with a Vampire, she’d read them all countless times. There was not a single volume on that shelf that had not already been read and digested and possibly even dropped in a hot bath when she’d gotten particularly involved in some salaciously scandalous storyline. Nothing with new unexpected thrills to excite her, no new characters to discover and fall in and out and then in love with again. It was enough to make Ruby want to scream.

But then, by the sounds of it, someone else had beaten her to it. There was a frantic knocking at her door, accompanied by muffled wailing and moaning and – was that swearing?

“It still counts even if I can’t hear you properly!” Ruby called through the door. There was silence for brief a moment and then, as if all of her manners had promptly been forgotten about, Hannah’s head appeared through the varnished wooden panes.

“But that’s not fair,” she said, sniffing.

“I take it that the interview did not go too well?”

Hannah shook her head and her lower lip began to quiver, eyes glistening as tears began to well up within in them once more.

“Can I come in, Ruby?”

“Well, you’re already half-way there.”

Even though she’d done it more times than she cared to count, it still all felt very unnatural to Hannah, passing through things that were meant to be firm and solid and not-passed-through. She made her way through a single limb at a time, staggering to keep her balance, before pulling the crux of her body along to join her flailing arms and legs.

It was not particularly dignified.

Ruby took her by the shoulders and sat her down upon the chaise longue. Hannah seemed calm enough, until Ruby made the innocent mistake of asking her what had happened.

“It had all gone so well,” she wailed, miserably “but then his head, Ruby, his head!”

“Oh come now, you never know. He could be as sweet as a puppy, unable to put the shivers into anyone.”

“Well he certainly managed to put them into me,” Hannah said. “What am I going to do? I don’t have a job and I’m so far behind on my rent that my landlord is going to kill me, or at least he would if the opportunity was still there. I’m going to end up homeless, Ruby, I can see it now. I’ll be wandering around the streets with a sign that says ‘will haunt for food’ until some big black dog comes and eats my soul, or even worse takes me to his creepy castle and locks me up there to save it for later!”

“I don’t think vampires really tend to go for the already-dead…”

“But you don’t know that! Maybe they’ve become health conscious and we’re like a low-fat variety of living folk! Maybe ghosts are stolen away and eaten all the time and because none of them ever come back there’s nobody to warn us!”

“How about this,” Ruby slid up to her feet and strode over to the bookshelf, “you can stay here tonight. That way you don’t have to worry about being evicted, or living on the streets, or crossing paths with any dark and devilish canines. In return, you pop down to the market tomorrow and buy me some new books.”

Hannah glanced at the bowing timers of the bookcase. The wooden frame was sagging under the sheer weight of so many tomes and digests, and she wondered if she’d be blamed for buying the last few volumes that would tip it all into a mess of scattered pages, splintered wood, and ruined hardbacks.

Still, on balance, she decided that it was better than to risk ending up as the lunch-time menu special for some Transylvanian overlord.
please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)




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Hey there littletinfish!

I read part one just now, but you already had some great reviews so I thought I'd have a go at reviewing this part for you :)

I really do like the concept of this story. It's nice to read a story about the dead where they come across just as they would if they were still alive - except for the passing through doors parts. Usually the dead are written as mangled and decaying things, but here I imagine Hannah and Ruby to be two oridinary looking women. Though I'm not that far into the story yet, so you may describe them as looking different later on.

I have a couple of nit-piks that I'd like to point out to you.

There was silence for brief a moment


This would read better as - 'There was silence for a brief moment'

to well up within in them once more.


You can nix 'in'

“How about this,” Ruby slid up to her feet and strode over to the bookshelf, “you can stay here tonight.


This would look better written as this -

'“How about this.” Ruby slid up to her feet and strode over to the bookshelf. "You can stay here tonight.'

bowing timers of the bookcase.


By 'timer's I think you mean 'timbers'

***

The only thing I think is missing from this is possibly descriptions of the characters when they talk. For example -

“I don’t think vampires really tend to go for the already-dead…”


You could try adding in something like, 'Ruby rolled her eyes', before the sentence I've quoted above. It's not much, but I think it'll add to the dialogue. I find that if there's too much dialogue and not enough action or description to go along with it, then it can all appear a little bland. Not that your dialogue is bland - I love the way Hannah goes off on one about being eaten by a big black dog :P It's just that I think the dialogue could stand to be backed up. Of course, this could just be your style of writing. If so, you can ignore me :)

I really enjoyed reading this! Would it be possible for you to PM me or write on my wall when you post more?

I hope this helps!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Hello again!

I'm afraid to say it's not the greatest conclusion to your first chapter. There were gems here too, but I don't think the second part lives up to the interest and humour of the first.

1. Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby (oooooohohohooooooh!)

Firstly, I haven't got a clue what she looks like! Her personality is starting to show through her treatment of Hannah, which is very good, but she doesn't seem terribly interesting yet. I think she could either do with more "filling out" or more mystery in this opening chapter -- the reader still needs convincing to keep going. That said, she has some genuinely funny dialogue (as I've started to expect from you!) and that sort-of-serious character is needed to contrast with Hannah.

Maybe that's it? Perhaps greater contrast between the characters would make Ruby come alive a bit more? At the moment she seems a little bit plain -- I wonder if it would work better if she was a little more extreme.

(I've just read over this, and I'm really sorry about this review! I'm finding it hard to put my finger on exactly what I mean -- hopefully you understand the gist of it!)

2. Description in general

Personally I think you could do with more. When I write, I have the strangest way of describing several important objects in a room in intricate detail, but their relative orientations and positions are never mentioned! I don't think you're as bad as me, but I do think your description is a little sparse.

An added benefit is that descriptive paragraphs can culminate in a "joke" or, indeed, give the reader some room to breathe before you catch them off-guard with the next bit of witty dialogue! I've always found, at least, that one of the greatest elements of humour is surprise, and the handy delay you can achieve with description should allow you to surprise the reader even more.

3. The end of the beginning

I'm sorry to say, but it feels like the ending of Chapter 1 just sort of trails off. :( The final sentence doesn't do it for me -- the joke's already been made earlier on -- and it just doesn't *sound* finished when I read it aloud. Perhaps it's just me that does that, but it's definitely easier to spot awkward dialogue or sloppy sentence structure that way. I'm going to see if I can find some examples of humourous endings:
"Myself, I'd trust him to the end of the Earth," said Ford.
"Oh yes," said Arthur, "and how far's that?"
"About twelve minutes away," said Ford. "Come on, I need a drink."
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy


My shoulders sagged. That's the trouble, you see. No matter how hard you try, magicians always find a way to clobber you in the end.
Jonathan Stroud, The Amulet of Samarkand

But you get the picture.

Leave the reader with something a bit more substantial or hint at something incredibly intriguing to come! You want the reader to turn the page and be desperate for the next chapter! :wink:

Overall

I do take my hat off to you. It's a brilliant idea, the characters have the potential to be loveable and funny, and you know exactly what you're doing on the dialogue front. I would like to see this half of the chapter get to the level of humour of the first, but I know that's a bit ask.

*Please* notify me when you post the next part?

It's been a pleasure!

Charlie
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen




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Hey tin, here for more! As for the length, well, together the pieces mightn't have been short enough! That's always the way of things.

I. NITPICKS

Ruby drummed her fingers against the deep stained wood of the case


how is wood deep?

and possibly even dropped in a hot bath when she’d gotten particularly involved in some salaciously scandalous storyline.


As mush as I love this line (and I do!), I wouldn't... drop a book at scandal. I'd grip it tighter. At shock now, maybe.

"I don’t think vampires really tend to go for the already-dead…”


I'm puzzled because... no one mentioned a vampire?

II. POINT OF VIEW

A pet peeve of mine is when people drift from one perspective to another. If that's how your style goes then I guess I'm not one to judge. But in a scene like this, with so much invested in dialogue, you could do perfectly well sticking with either Ruby or Hannah. Drifting from Ruby back to Hannah makes me feel like Ruby's just a bit of the backdrop and you needed her to fill in the space while Hannah got back. Even sticking with Hannah as she goes to confide in RUby would make Ruby seem more real- because she'd be Hannah's confidante. I don't know, it's just a few thoughts to play with. I think it's more effective if you stick with one point of view for the entire scene and I know I'm not alone in thinking that way but at the same time I don't want to push my own stylistic preferences on you because technically there's nothing wrong with the way you did it. I just think it could be done better.

III. ENDING

Like Charlie said, this just sort of trails off. I think even just ending with another line of dialogue might be more effective. Make a definitive ending of it! The way you've done it it really does end not with a bang but a whimper. Chapter structure can be annoying like that, but even putting another snarky line of dialogue in to give it that extra punch- and to convince us to go onto Chapter Two, would really benefit you.

IV. OVERALL

I'm still absolutely loving this concept. I still don't really understand what the deal with the head was in the first part- now you're going back to it maybe explain that a bit better? And why can't Ruby go to the market herself? A little information wouldn't go amiss. But still enjoying it immensely!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



i got called an enigma once so now i purposefully act obtuse
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