Life in my ice-cream salad.

Spoiler

Hey there! Hope you enjoy my poem! I really liked it, but that doesn't matter. Wheather you liked, is what I want to know. So review~! Thank you in advance! (Oh! I hope you like the pun in the last stanza. I worked hard on that! ^^)

Staring down at the ice-cream fruit salad,
That lay infront of me,
It lets me have more, its sweet taste tingles in my mouth,
I close my eyes, and enter a place that feels like heaven.

The ice-cream fills the bowl whole,
In its sweetness, lies those fruits,
Some may taste sour and some sweet.
The ice-cream is me, and my world are those fruits.

The apple, once a whole, now chopped up, and headed separate ways.
But Mommy and Daddy, stuck together,
Prachi and me headed far away forever.
But no matter how far we went, we stayed crunchy, sweet and together till the end.

The banana, once a whole, now chopped up,
and head separate ways.
Some peices get soggy, taste turns sour, as some friendships just die.
But some peices go strong, flavor forever, as some friends never say bye.

The pomogranate seeds, always the same.
Floats far away and everywhere,
Those red dots always so bright.
The internet will not go without a fight.

The oranges, a risk I take,
Outcome may be sweet, outcome may be sour,
Everyone up has been down.
Everyone down will be up.


Snapped back to reality,
By the sound of metal scrapping glass.
I stop scooping into nothingness,
And stare down to the empty bowl.

The sweetness, the freshness,
And the crunchyness.
All gone.
My life is over.

I love this! I like how you describe yourself as the ice ream and the fruits as life experiences, sweet and sour. That's creative. I didn't see anything grammar-wise but you may want to check anyway. Overall, I love this metaphor and love this poem!

Staring down at the ice-cream fruit-salad,
That lays in front of me.
It lets me have more,
Its sweet taste tingles in my mouth,
I close my eyes,
And enter a place that feels like heaven.

The apple, once a whole, now chopped up,
And headed separate ways.

But no matter how far we went,
We stayed crunchy, sweet, and together till the end.

and heads separate ways.
Some pieces get soggy,
Their taste turns sour, as some friendships just die.
But some pieces go strong,
Flavor forever, as some friends never say bye.

Float (float doesn't have to be plural ) far away and everywhere,

The internet will not go without a fight.

What is this supposed to symbolize? 'Cuz I have no idea...

Everyone down has been up.

And the crunchiness.

Wow, great poem.

It's sweet and kind of cute the way you compare your life to a fruit salad. But the cuteness and seriousness of it don't go well together. See if you can portray it in a more serious way or if you can find something more light to show. Other than that major thing, the only problems I found I pointed out above in purple.

Good job.

Keep writing,
Alzora

Sakhi!
You posted and I wasn't informed? What is this!!
I have no real nitpicks aside from the fact that I didn't get the pun. Ooo-er... care to explain it to a rather slow reviewer? Good job on the rest of it though!

Wait...I didn't get the pun either T.T
Is it because you ate everything? You must explain this in depth to me! Please?

Also, fantastic way to get people to look at it. I read your description and laughed, so I had to look and of course put a comment.

Are you Indian? Forgive me, I just thought that Prachi was an Indian name.

This was actually quite sad, and I get the reference about a fruit being sliced up and "going separate ways". Only, don't they all go into the same fruit bowl and get eaten by the same mouth? Isn't that okay then?

All in all, creative and greatly appreciated.

Haha, this is so amazing! Such an original idea, I love the imagery and how you manage to turn each fruit to stand for a part of your life and how different kinds of standard on the fruits equals different kind of turn outs in life.. The banana is my favorite one... with lost friends and those who'll stay with us forever! Great symbolizm! REALLY! AMAZING!
But I didn't like the end, the poem was so sweet and light and delightful all until that moment. I don't like how you made such an enjoyable read so sad But otherwise LOVED IT

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Okay, this was really good, but I have a couple of things to tell you.
Firstly where you say "In its sweetness lies those fruits."
Here, I think instead of 'lies' you should have 'lie' because its plural.

Then, (this is just a suggestion) where you say "The ice cream is me and my world are those fruits" I think it would be better if you said "those fruits are my world"

Then, in the fourth paragraph (the one about bananas) where you say taste turns sour , I think it would be better to add THE before taste.

After that where it says "As some friends say bye" You could make it goodbye instead of bye.

And finally one mistake I'm pretty sure lots of people noticed.... my dearest friend the word is spelt as crunchiness not crunchyness.

Sorry if I was a little too nitpicky. I really liked the idea of depicting your life as ice cream and your world as fruits. Yummy!!!

Such a cool concept! I love this idea! The only thing I wish more of was better transitioning, maybe by you share your bowl with the fruit. Instead that they are your "worlds" will allow the reader to understand more that the fruit are unique, speacial and relate to you! Also, a little repetitive of the sweet vs. sour aspect, use different words and emotions in that chase! Incredible idea! You are very talented!

Soxieee xDD

I didn't have any other poetry to review so I'm reviewing this one!
I thought you're life was Chocolate?

Anyway, you're poem was cute and wonderful! ^^

Loved it! :'D

Staring down at the ice-cream fruit salad,
That lay in front of me,
It lets me have more, its sweet taste tingles in my mouth,
I close my eyes, and enter a place that feels like heaven.

The ice-cream fills the bowl whole,
In its sweetness, lies those fruits,
Some may taste sour and some sweet.
The ice-cream is me, and my world are those fruits.

The apple, once a whole, now chopped up, and headed separate ways.
But Mommy and Daddy, stuck together,
Prachi and me headed far away forever.Aw... Such a cute line!
But no matter how far we went, we stayed crunchy, sweet and together till the end.

The banana, once a whole, now chopped up,
and head separate ways.
Some peices get soggy, taste turns sour, as some friendships just die.
But some peices go strong, flavor forever, as some friends never say bye.

The pomogranate seeds, always the same.
Floats far away and everywhere,
Those red dots always so bright.
The internet will not go without a fight.

The oranges, a risk I take,
Outcome may be sweet, outcome may be sour,
Everyone up has been down.
Everyone down will be up.


Snapped back to reality,
By the sound of metal scrapping glass.-Very original Like it!
I stop scooping into nothingness,
And stare down to the empty bowl.

The sweetness, the freshness,
And the crunchyness.
All gone.
My life is over.

The last paragraph's fine! I didn't find anything wrong!

So cute! ^^
Giving this a 10/10 :O

Keep it up!

Cheers and Lots of Love,
Cookie!!!!!!!!!!!! xDD (with chocolate chips ;'D)

HELLO!

I love food related poems so it's an immediate winner

I think what really makes this poem is the depth of your descriptions, though a few more adjectives wouldn't go a miss If you described texture it might make the poem stand out more, I rarely see texture. Though your ideas are good

Could you add more emotion? I know it's a food poem, but could it get more emotional. As it's just my life is over. I'd like to see almost romantisied emotions created, verging on obsession so it created a beautiful atmosphere around ice cream

Overall, I loved it, well done

PM if you need anything.

~ReDro

Dude! Hey!

Food poetry is so much fun to read. And leaves you wanting food.

Couple of comments.
I'm not fond of capitalizing the start of each line. Try to follow the generally grammar rules, it might look better.

It lets me have more, its sweet taste tingles in my mouth, <-- What lets you have more? You need permission?
I close my eyes, and enter a place that feels like heaven.

Some may taste sour and some sweet.
The ice-cream is me, and my world are those fruits. <-- This line sort of broke the flow for me. Maybe try removing the 'are' and the 'and'?

The pomegranate seeds, always the same.
Floats far away and everywhere,

By the sound of metal scraping glass.
I stop scooping into nothingness, <-- LOVE!
And stare down to the empty bowl.<-- Could do with some rephrasing here. It sounds too blacd after the previou sline.

The sweetness, the freshness,
And the crunchyness.
All gone.
My life is over.
(I didn't like this stanza at all. There was a repetition of the words that didn't do justice to the poem.)

In all, I liked it. The rhyme scheme was wonky. You rhymed here and there in the italicized part, which sounded weird. Try making it uniform.
And the 'Fruit was whole.. now chopped up' bit was nice, but I didn't like that you put in in two of them, and not the others. Basically, go for some uniformity or stick that line to one of the stanzas.

Thanks for a good read!
~Lava

I really liked it. Great metaphors and desriptions. I noticed one or two typos, but I'm sure someone else has already pointed them out. Anyway, I had to let you know this was cute, and had a cool message. No nitpicks, so, hopefully I didn't just waste your time with this comment.