Politicks-Chapter One

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1




The basement. It was something she had almost come to love, her little cot in the damp, musky basement. Sure, during the long winter nights she shivered, and through the even longer summer nights, she sweated, but it was the one thing she felt truly safe in.

Every night, before she went to bed, she brushed her long, dark hair a hundred times with a brush she had stolen from her mistress-er-mother, while softly singing a lullaby. Then she tied her hair up and climbed into her haystack and lightly dozed until she heard her mistress-er-mother call her name.

Her mistresses’ call was always a loud, harsh one that set the cows mooing and chickens clucking. It woke her up with a vengeful taunt, as if the very sound of the loud, cruel voice was taunting her every minute she was alive.

In a way, it was. As the girl went through her mind-numbing chores, the voice of her mistress followed her, ‘Victoria, do this, Victoria, you missed a spot.’ Add in a few very unladylike curses, and her mistress’ voice would haunt Victoria forever.

One of these mornings, Victoria was, awake and dressed in a threadbare skirt, and rag to tie her long hair back, scrubbing the kitchen floor, with her master and mistress in the sitting room. Sometimes, one would call her name, and she would get up and run as fast as she could to tend to their needs, ‘Victoria, get me a fan, Victoria, paper and ink.’ She would then have to fetch the item in question as fast as she could and return to her previous work.

Her stomach rumbled. Victoria was allowed a bit of bread, and a small bowl of soup for supper. She was tiny and frail, her little hands chapped raw with all the cleaning she did. Again, Victoria sung the lullaby, the only thing she knew of her childhood. She sung it over and over until it was the only thing she could think about.

“Victoria!” it was her master, “stop with that infernal racket, and come here immdeatly.’ Victoria ran across the little foyer to the sitting room. A tray, two empty cups, and three plates, one with an uneaten scone. She quickly dropped a curtsy and prayed her stomach grumbling wasn’t audible.

“Victoria, my pet. See, William, she’ll have to do. We don’t have another daughter.” Victoria looked from her master to mistres in dull surprise.

“Don’t gawk.” Her master said, “clean up these plates.” Victoria set to the task set with shaking hands.

“Victoria, my pet, how would you like to go to a ball?” her mistress asked, her voice hold so much warmth that she didn’t know her mistress could possess. Victoria could do nothing but stare.

“A ball?” she asked, “yes, “I would love too.” Her mistress shot her master a taunting, teasing look.

“Well, you’ll have to listen to me-er-us, and do every instruction down to the letter, alright.”

“Yes, yes ma’am.” Victoria said immediately. Her big gray eyes gleamed, either with hope or with tears. She let a small smile grace her pink, bow shaped lips.

“If you’re pretty enough, if you’re agreeable enough, you may wed the prince. Do you want that?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Victoria repeated.

“William, write the letter. We will attend, and bring the darling Victoria Bailey.” Her mistress commanded. Victoria continued to clean up the plates, systematically putting the dishes on the tray. Carrying the tray, she scurried into the kitchen, and smiled to herself. She picked up the scone, and took a good large bite.



That night, after Victoria had sung herself to sleep, her master and mistress stayed up, sipping a finely aged wine, and plotting. They sat in the room adjacent to their bedroom, with four chairs and a couple of end tables.

“Think of it, William.” Victoria’s mother, Anne, sighed, “royalty. We’d be royalty.”

“No, we wouldn’t.” William replied, sipping the last few dregs of wine, and putting the glass on an end table, “not until we get the girl to kill the royal family.” Anna gasped, but wasn’t shocked. A little part of her had hoped that her husband would say.

“William!” She partly scolded, but was intrigued, “that’s a blasphemous thought.”

“But it could work. No one would suspect her. She’s too meek, to nervous.” William said. He got up and began to pace the length of the room, meticulously without cutting off a corner.

“She’s a lovely girl. Why wouldn’t the prince fancy her? All she’d have to do is marry him, and then kill him. That’s all. It could work, my love. It will work.” Anna giggled. The more tipsy she got, the more giggly and air-headed she got.

“But what if she doesn’t want too? There’s that too.” Anna said.

“She had better do everything I-we-say. If she doesn’t, well, I’ll have to deal with her.” William said. He stopped pacing and sat back down. Anna turned towards him. The candlelight caught her slim neck, elegant nose, danced in her soft gray eyes. She was beautiful, and Victoria looked almost exactly like her. There was no way a prince wouldn’t fancy her.

“Well, she’ll have to be memorable. She’ll have to have a grand, late entrance, and leave early. Very early.” Anna plotted, “and what would she wear? Oh, I know exactly it. And the shoes, the shoes. Darling, leave this to me. I know exactly how to make our daughter a princess.” She finished her wine, and put the glass next to William’s. This would be too perfect.
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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Hello! So I am here to nitpick and look over everything! Don’t take anything I say harshly, I just want to help and if you have any questions feel free to PM me! Also I don’t know if you did this on purpose, but your title is spelled wrong. It’s “Politics” not “Politicks”.

mistress-er-mother


I personally don’t like this. It seems… unprofessional. It’s your choice, but if you are going to use it then only use it once.

It woke her up with a vengeful taunt,. As if the very sound of the loud, cruel voice was taunting her every minute she was alive.


I would turn this into two sentences to help it flow better. Also you say “taunt, and then “taunting”. Try to use a different word so it doesn’t sound so repetitive.

Add in a few very unladylike curses, and her mistress’ voice would haunt Victoria forever.


I liked this sentence, made me smile and feel bad for poor Victoria. :)

Again, Victoria sung the lullaby, the only thing she knew of her childhood.


This seemed a bit odd to me. If the “mistress” is truly her mother then where did she learn the song from? Her mom doesn’t seem the type to sing it, and since no one cares about the girl who taught it to her? Why does she like it? Personally I would like a little more clarification on this song.

“Victoria!” it was her master, “stop with that infernal racket, and come here immdeatly.’


Should be immediately. Also you should have quotation marks at the end the sentence instead of the apostrophe.

A tray, two empty cups, and three plates, one with an uneaten scone.


I am assuming she is carrying all of this, but I would at least say so. “She grabbed a tray…” or something like that so we know she is carrying this or it sounds a bit random.

her mistress asked, her voice hold so much warmth that she didn’t know her mistress could possess.


Should be held. And the sentence is a bit choppy. I would say, “her voice held more warmth then she knew her mistress could possess.” Or something like that.

“A ball?” she asked, “yes, I would love too.”


Cut the extra quotation mark

and do every instruction down to the letter, alright.”


Alright is a question, so the sentence should end in a “?”

Her big gray eyes gleamed, either with hope or with tears.


I personally think this sounds odd. I would assume that her eyes would be filled with both. I think this shouldn’t be an either or, but that she should have both of these.

“If you’re pretty enough, if you’re agreeable enough, you may wed the prince. Do you want that?”


This almost sounds like her mother is giving her permission to wed the prince. Her mother obviously doesn’t get to choose whether this happens or not, so I would change it to something like, “you may have the opportunity to wed the prince.”

They sat in the room adjacent to their bedroom, with four chairs and a couple of end tables.


This whole description feels unnecessary since they are already in the room. If you want to describe what is in it, you should do it first.

A little part of her had hoped that her husband would say.


Say what? Doesn’t make sense unless you tell us what she was hoping he would say :)

of the room, meticulously without cutting off a corner.


Your comma should be after meticulously

Oh, I know exactly it.
[/quote]

This doesn’t really make sense. Say, “I know exactly what she’ll wear.” Or , “Oh, I know!”


Overall:

You have a good start to a Cinderella story here. One of my biggest issues is that it isn’t very original. Poor girl is treated bad by evil parents, becomes the princesses, falls in love with prince and won’t kill him. Parents get arrested and everyone lives happily ever after.

I am not trying to be mean, but I want to know how you are going to make this your own story? What is different about Victoria, and why should we care about her? How is this going to be different then the Cinderella story we all know and love. How is it your story?

I picked at a few of the grammar issues. Commas are great, but periods are even better. I would try to break up a few of your sentences to get the whole thing flowing more smoothly.

Anyways you have a good start! Keep writing, you’re doing great!




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Hey WW, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

but it was the one thing she felt truly safe in.


This annoys me because... one thing she felt safe in? What other things is she usually... in?

brush she had stolen from her mistress-er-mother,


the "er", I think, breaks the lovely tone you have going here. Rephrase?

[quote[Her mistresses’ call was always a loud, harsh one that set the cows mooing and chickens clucking.[/quote]

I don't blame you for being confused, but it's just mistress'. Or mistress's, if you really want. Unless you mean she has more than one mistress. But I don't think so.

It woke her up with a vengeful taunt, as if the very sound of the loud, cruel voice was taunting her every minute she was alive.


Replace one of the taunts with a mock or a... something.

“Victoria!” it was her master, “stop with that infernal racket, and come here immdeatly.’


Look at your speech marks here ;) Also, "It was her master." should be a statement just like I wrote it, it's not a speech tag.
“William!” She partly scolded, but was intrigued, “that’s a blasphemous thought.”


I quite like the word blasphemous, I'm just wondering if "treasonous" is more appropriate...

II. OVERALL

Firstly, brush up with your dialogue punctuation. Other than that, I absolutely adore the tone you have here. I can't believe you only just started because it really does have a very polished feel to it. So well done on that! The only thing I'd be worried about is are you going to be able to keep that sense of magic through the whole piece? You lose a bit of it in the final scene here but you pick up a new tone- which is good and very entertaining, I like control freak villains like Anna- but I'd just be worried if you're going to mix your tone up too much. But then again, maybe it'll work for you!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



"Cowards die many times before their deaths; but the valiant will never taste of death but once."
— Julius Caesar