Future

What can I do?
Was I right?
I made a choice-
i thought it was right,

If I don't succeed,
does that mean I fail?
I can see the open door,
but it closes before I get there,

I'm restarting my life,
my finger's on rewind.
When it comes to my future...

I want to know I did good.

I thought it was right,

You're rhyming "right" with "right" in a non-rhyming poem. Change one of the lines.

but it closes before I get there,

This has too many syllables and really jacks the flow. Change it to something like, "But it's closed when I get there." Or something like that.

I want to know I did good.

This is a fairly good end line, but it doesn't really pack the punch it should.

Overall this is a nice poem. Sorry if this isn't that helpful (I'm not that good at poetry...). Anyway, just keep writing. That's the best advice any writer can receive.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Noelle wrote:What can I do?
Was I right?
I made a choice-
i thought it was right, This is redundent (drop it), we know you thought it was right because you asked if you were. You should try to better show this, with a metaphor and / or simile. Saying, Thinking I was right was like credit in the 1930's. Unstable and masked problems. Well, kinda, but that's what I am trying to get at, just the little relations to what we know can really help a poem.

If I don't succeed,
does that mean I fail? Technicly maybe. And is this line really needed? I don't think it is, you should drop it.
I can see the open door,
but it closes before I get there, This is very direct and boring. You could try being more symbolic, or giving the door personification to help show this. Saying like: The door runs beside me, mocking me. Something that would make me think the door closed before you got there, instead of just saying it.

I'm restarting my life,
my finger's on rewind. I like this line better than the one above, it's a bit more complex as you can continue with it and mention other parts of a DVD / VCR / CD / MP3 (/ whatever has a rewind button) player. And how they can relate to this situation.
When it comes to my future...

I want to know I did good. As for your ending, it's a thing we all want to know, something we can all relate to and something that has been written about before. This means this could be cliche, but that is only if you let it be. If you can make your presentation more original, such as relating everything to a movie on a VCR / DVD player could do wonders.

Overall:
I think you need some more poetic devices, like similes, metaphors, personification. Stuff that can make the poem more enjoyable in the sense that we have things to think about. Such as wondering if what you did was right or wrong.

Try to show actions that are hard to determine as right or wrong, that could really get us thinking. Like abortion. Slavery. Bullying. Whatever you can best use as a tool to describe your ideas.


Your flow was okay, it didn't really move from the idea of did I do okay? But it didn't exactly have room to move from that idea, so I cannot blame you. I honestly believe that you should expand on your ideas.

Poetry can be like essays, you have main ideas and supporting details, mostly what you have here is main ideas. We need the supporting ideas to connect with and get a better picture of what you're trying to say.
Because as is, this is pretty vague and it cannot be related to. But it does have the ear marks of being good. It has ideas that can be worked on such as the VCR and the overall idea of right and wrong.

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns;
Silented1.

I like it, but some of the lines could use changing, you know, give it more punch to the emotions your describing in this poem. Overall, it's really nice. Please, keep on writing!

What can I do?
Was I right?
I made a choice
-i thought it was right,The rhyming words are the same words, maybe if you changed the 2nd right it would sound more..it'd be nicer
If I don't succeed,
does that mean I fail?
I can see the open door,
but it closes before I get there,
I'm restarting my life,
my finger's on rewind.
When it comes to my future...
I want to know I did good.
The last sentence doesn't rhyme easily, or maybe it's supposed to be like that

That was really short but you expressed your dilemma in less words so that makes you effective. I'd like to know where you end up in your future.

This was simple and smooth - Meaning it was short and flowed well... That's good, but I also feel like this poem wasn't very original, it was ordinary and didn't summon any sort of emotions within me and it makes it a bit dull. I like the ending though but to make this piece worth the read you need to spice it up, express everything further, use more descriptions and imagery!! Hope I could be of help

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

If you're having trouble rhyming, search rhymingdictionary.com - that way, it won't sound so much as if you've forced the ryme to come and you won't feel you have to repeat things to keep the meaning. Agreeing with Demoness, this wasn't the most original poem you could have written. It's fine to do something like this but only if you make it meaningful.
Keep writing!

Hi! First, I want to say I like the feeling you're giving readers as we read your words. I can feel your uncertainty beneath the poem itself. That's excellent!

But maybe instead of saying "right" twice as the rhyming word, you can use a different word to create variety.

I like the rhythm here as well.

The last line...sorry, but I like critiquing grammar...you could say "well" instead of "good." I think either way would sound good.

Keep up the poetry!

I did not like this poem at all. It was jumbled, and really made no sense to me. The title is Future, but you do not really get that picture until the end. You need to work on this poem a bit more.