The Laughter

I can see you, I am watching,
As they make you drift away.
And the laughter, still stings here
And I slowly walk away

I can feel you, no longer.
I can hear, and I don’t feel stronger.
Now it’s time to say,
You can’t make my tears fall away.

Through the noise, they tell me, with straight lips,
That you are always with me.
How did they never hear all that laughter?
That’s closing in on me.
And that whistling, the joy filled smiles, glistening
Off the fire as I burn all my happy memories.

And if you’re with me, like they say you are,
Then why haven’t I found you,
I’ve come so far.
I’ve been traveling for five years,
And I just can’t catch my breath.
It’s time to face

I can feel you, no longer.
I can hear, and I don’t feel stronger.
Now it’s time to say,
You can’t make my tears fall away.

I will never understand them
And I’ll never hear your voice.
Oh that laughter still rings here,
And the noise keeps getting clearer.

I am lost now, I am missing you
And in return somehow, I hear the laughter no more.
The silence draws me no closer
And the truth, the ongoing noise, can be heard.
Not above a whisper they tell me now,
And I hear nothing now.
Not the sound of your voice
And the laughter.

Good poem! Really sad, but good! I could feel the emotions through the writing, so great job! I liked the style of the poem, it helped with the emotions. I don't really have any suggestions because it was so well done! Keep writing! I loved it, all of it!

Hello there. First off, this has a depressing ring to it, but I love it. My favorite line was:

And if you’re with me, like they say you are,
Then why haven’t I found you,
I’ve come so far.

That part was so sweet it almost brought tears to my eyes.
Over all this is a really amazing piece of work. Though some lines didn't quite make since to me, I found it hard to stop reading. I hope to read more of your work and if you need anything else reviewed, just let me know and I'll be more than happy to take a look at it. Until then, keep up the great work.

-Angel

As they make you drift away.
And the laughter, still stings here
And I slowly walk away.

All words in purple should only have been used once.

That you are always with me.

That's closing in on me.

Same thing with the purple words.

Through the noise, they tell me, with straight lips,
That you are always with me.
How did they never hear all that laughter?
That's closing in on me.
And that whistling, the joy filled smiles, glistening
Off the fire as I burn all my happy memories.

This whole stanza is really choppy and the flow is all weird.

Then why haven't I found you;

It's time to face

You need to continue this thought, because it's confusing the way that it is right now.

And in return, somehow, I hear the laughter no more.

Not above a whisper they tell me now,
And I hear nothing now. (You use 'now' too much.)
Not the sound of your voice
And of laughter.

Nice poem.

It's kind of depressing but I find that your word structure is pretty good.

Keep writing,
Alzora

Hmmm.... Humiliation? Tragidy? Happiness turned to sadness? Well, that sure is a cheesy way to start off. But I'm just not quite sure what this is about. I understand how it starts as sad laughter and then gets sadder... but..., OK maybe I'm just oblivious. Yeah, the answer is probably right in the poem. Oh well. So, basically all I can comment on is the mood and the flow of it. Well it was great. I liked the way that you used only simple word choice, because it makes for a depressing feel. People only use one-word answers when they're sad, and they only write simple stuff, too. This makes it seem more realistic. The flow was also fanastic because it wasn't forced and didn't rhyme. Thank you so much! I'm getting tired of rhyming poems. It was very stream-of-conscience and I liked it. We have similar styles! except I can't handel writing about depressing stuff like you do. You're brave to tackle that.

Nice poem you have here, over all. It was simple and extravagent at the same time, a hard combo to create. Great job and never stop writing.

-Cammie

Hey, Strawberry!

You've got a very nice poem. The mood is very strong through the speaker's voice, which very well set the stage for what this poem is about. It's rather sad, but it's very well-written. You have an excellent vocabulary here; your imagery was very good! I wonder if you also dabble in lyrics/song-writing? Maybe it's because I finished reviewing some songs, but the flow of it was very... well, musical. XD You could turn this into a song with minor edits, so the style just reminded me of songs.

Anyhoot! There were some grammar mishaps -- more punctuation though -- that distracted me as the reader. I'll spare the grammarcheck for now in case you plan to do any revision. Just don't go comma-happy (egotistical little buggers -- they wanna do everything, so don't let them control you), and also watch your run-on sentences. There were some phrases that kinda lost me, but. I'm not a poet. (I probably should've put that disclaimer in the beginning, but I'm not much of a poet. So a lot of what I say can be taken with a grain of salt!) I probably just didn't get it when I read it then, in which case, ignore what I say.

I can see you, I am watching,
As they make you drift away.
And the laughter, still stings here
And I slowly walk away

I can feel you, no longer.
I can hear, and I don’t feel stronger.
Now it’s time to say,
You can’t make my tears fall away.

I found myself reading these two stanzas a whole bunch of times just to figure out what's going on, so here's what I suggest! Remember when I remarked on the grammar? Use that here. You've got good stuff here, but it's just hard to read. Since this is the beginning of the poem, we want to make it as catching as we can -- especially that first stanza. Also, I hope I'm correct in saying the speaker is letting go of this person's memory -- that the person doesn't affect her emotions as much anymore. If not, then either I'm reading it wrong or the message isn't coming out quite clearly!

Through the noise, they tell me, with straight lips,
That you are always with me.
How did they never hear all that laughter?
That’s closing in on me.
And that whistling, the joy filled smiles, glistening
Off the fire as I burn all my happy memories.

At this point, I'll honestly say that I'm not sure where this laughter is coming from. xD Unless it's a hallucination or something she subconsciously made up in her mind to distract her feelings (in other words, some metaphor), I'm not sure where the physical laughter is. I can only assume it's used to identify those happy, unaffected friends/people telling the speaker that this person is always with her.

Also careful with your pronouns? The "that" in the fourth line through off my groove while reading this. Also, I don't know what the "straight lips" is referring to.

I think I'm just tired. xD Anyway.

And if you’re with me, like they say you are,
Then why haven’t I found you,
I’ve come so far.
I’ve been traveling for five years,
And I just can’t catch my breath.
It’s time to face

Five years sounds very specific, like the speaker is referring to a story that the reader has no idea about. The rest of the poem holds a very vague idea as to what particular situation the speaker is in, so this detail was a bit out there. I'd just say years or a vague passage of time. Also, the last line confused me. I wonder if that's unfinished?

I am lost now, I am missing you
And in return somehow, I hear the laughter no more.
The silence draws me no closer
And the truth, the ongoing noise, can be heard.
Not above a whisper they tell me now,
And I hear nothing now.
Not the sound of your voice
And the laughter.

Last stanzas are always my favorite part of the poem, second being the first. I like seeing a connection between the first and last stanzas which ties the poem nicely together. I was slightly confused here though with some of the couplets. There seemed to be some contradiction. There was laughter yet no noise, whispers yet nothing is heard, and the last sentence didn't make sense in my grammarface. xD However! I think these could be used well, since they're vague enough, because that's a technique used a lot. It just has to make sense, and I couldn't make much sense between message and words.

So overall! I think what you have is a great start, honestly. You've got a wonderful style, and you certainly have a clear idea as to what this is about. I'm just not quite grasping the idea, as if the message wasn't quite as clear as you'd have wanted it to be. Most poems require a few reads before it makes sense! That didn't quite happen with me though, so something to look into when you revise. Don't give up on it though 'cause I do think it's getting somewhere.

Keep writing! (And happy Review Day!)

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hi, Snowberry!

This is a really good poem. It's not too complex, but yet it still manages to convey a lot of emotion and depth. I definitely felt sad and could sympathize with the speaker. However, it had somewhat of a forgettable quality to it. Even though I enjoy the simplicity, I feel like you could add a lot more depth and detail and that it would still work to your advantage. What did this person's laughter sound like? Did it make them laugh? Is this there a central location to all of this, a place where the narrator would spend a deal of time with the one they lost? Who was this person to the narrator? Right now, it kind of feels like you're floating in space.

Otherwise, I thought you did a really good job and I don't have much else to add. Hope this helps! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

~ Elinor